Beautiful or Busted: Who Wore it Better?

5 Sep

Beautiful or Busted Kim K and Kristin Bell

With motherhood becoming a more and more popular trend among celebrity fashionistas, babies are having a serious moment.  The It accessory can be seen in the arms of trendsetters around the globe. Teen pregnancies are high, abortion clinics are “out”, and even Hobby Lobby is scoring some much needed style points. Here, Kim K. rocks her baby accessory like a true style star! She pairs her first born with a sexy, attention grabbing open blazer and nothing underneath. Kim’s barely-there ensemble, voluminous hair and glossy pink pout, make it clear that she’s wearing her baby and not letting the baby wear her.

Kristen Bell has an infant too, but you wouldn’t guess it from this getup! The star looks manly without her baby and is making it worse by covering up all her curves! The former Veronica Mars star is so fashionably challenged that she’s even gone so far as to launch a campaign against paparazzi who stalk and harass children to get photos. Kristen, by leaving your child at home you send the message that your baby is ugly and you think you’re too good for it. Someone needs a  refresher course in style!

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5 Quick Steps to a Younger Looking Vagina

29 May
Medical Illustration by Christien Mozzarti

Medical Illustration by Christien Mozzarti

We all want it: that smooth, pink Peek-A-Boo of our youth. But, as we hit our early 20’s, many of us begin to notice our vaginas just aren’t as luminous as back in ourglory (hole) days. We sat down with celebrity astrologist, Becky Bradshaw, and got her to dish on the top 5 tips for getting our Tinkerbelles tight and right, without going under the knife:

  1. Tucky Your Yuckies. Tucking isn’t just for drag queens and lady boys! Use 1/4″ thick pieces of flesh-colored duct tape to gently fold your labia under.
  2. Pouty Pubis. Inject saline into your pubis to give it a more youthful appearance. It’s the one place where being fat is a good thing!
  3. Like a Virgin! Retouch your hymen for the very first time with a quick visit to your local hardware store [Lip Tip: Bring a guy friend so you don’t get lost]. With just a few basic items you’ll be on your way to having that precious piece of skin back.
  4. So Long, Anal! Your trip to Home Depot isn’t over yet, ladies!  PVC tubes are a great way to get the sexy fit you and your boyfriend have always wanted. Just cut one to the exact length of your vaginal walls and insert it until the tube presses against your cervix. Voilà: petite and perfect!
  5. Make Up with Your VaGina Davis. Bronzer and highlighter can contour a lot more than cheekbones. This stuff works wonders for creating the illusion of a more toned Tom-Tom. You never leave the house without makeup, so why not take the time to show your Peekini some Lancôme love, too!

Although these tricks will go a long way to youthinize your YooHoo, in severe cases or over the age of 30, Becky recommends scouting out a good plastic surgeon that specializes in vaginal reconstruction.

 

Creative Director/Author/Fashionista
Christien Mozzarti

“La Mer face cream got me where I am today.” Christien Mozzarti, an industry authority,  first began his career in the fashion business in the early 1990s. Over the last decade, he’s proven himself time and time again as a fabulous expert in women’s clothing, fashion, and style.  After meeting his wife, Samantha Miranda, he began to understand their minds, as well. It was at this time he started writing a column on vaginal health and maintenance for Lip Service, causing a rise in the sale of douches, douche bags, and douche nozzles. To honor Mozzarti’s douching efforts, the American Council of Gynecology awarded him with a top spot on the List of Worst Enemies to Vaginas Worldwide. The subsequent controversy only propelled Mozzarti’s career further. Outside of helping to advance women’s style rights, he collects antique Cher memorabilia and kitsch gay pornography.

 

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

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Make Sure YOU’RE Remembered This Memorial Day!

26 May

Lip Service Memorial Day Outfit

Fast-mask-wash-purge-exfoliate-sprint-clean-extract-moisturize-repeat Cleanse

1 May

1. Fast.

2. Mask. 

3. Wash.

4. Purge.

5. Exfoliate. 

6. Sprint.

7. Clean.

8. Extract.

9. Moisturize.

10. Repeat.

 

 

Beautiful or Busted: Who Wore it Better?

27 Apr

BUSTED MILEY MICHELLE

White is HUGE for spring. We saw this edgy trend start cropping up at Paris Fashion Week and, since then, it’s making it’s way into street style snaps and onto celebrity gods alike. Here we have the lovely Miley rocking a white fishnet dress with tasteful pasties and a fur bolero accent. Très chic! The less stylish Michelle Obama tried, but her tired looking dress with matching jacket looks frumpy and dated and makes us wonder what saggy body parts she’s trying to hide. Better luck next time, Michelle!

On the Lookout for Mr. Right: The 5 Times in Your Day You’ve Been Slacking!

19 Apr

So you’re still single, huh? It’s no wonder: American culture keeps us ladies notoriously busy and there are so many times when we don’t even bother to look our best. We tell ourselves it doesn’t matter that we’re in sweats and a ball cap…it’s just a quick errand, right? WRONG! The perfect guy might always be right around the corner, and, so, a woman needs to be prepared. Don’t let your future husband slip through your fingers just because he met you on a bad face day! Here are the 5 times that you might have found your soul mate, had you been looking your best:

  1. While running errands. You spend a huge chunk of your time going to the post office or the dry cleaners, and guess what, so do single men! ALWAYS put on makeup before you go to the laundromat. I mean, he might see you folding your underwear 😉 Heading to the supermarket? Pushing a shopping cart looks really hot in heels…and he’ll be checking YOU out!!makeup-01
  2. Exercise time! Stash an extra makeup kit in your gym bag, so, even if you’re pressed for time, you’ll always be able to get your game face on! Use waterproof foundation and mascara to prevent your makeup from sweating off. Bonus points if you learn to negotiate the elliptical in those strappy stilettos you have just sitting in your closet. Fierce!
  3. Walking the dog. Don’t think you can slack just because you’re heading to the dog park! Your future mister might be a dog lover too, right? Next time you head out with Fido, try some 90s inspired canine chic by wearing a cute baby doll dress with some big doc martin boots!   Don’t forget a huge flowery purse for all your doggie accessories (and makeup, duh). Groovy!
  4. In the shower. Don’t you wish you’d lose a pound for every time you’ve had to throw on a towel and get the door in the middle of a bath or shower? Girls, that could be him at the door, so don’t ever be unprepared! Keep waterproof eyeliner and lip gloss in the shower next to your body wash or razor. Next time the doorbell rings, you’ll be on point in case it’s your future mister!
  5. Bedtime. Sure, you’re dreaming of him, but what if your house catches on fire and he’s one of the firemen who shows up to put it out? Snag your prince charming! Allot an extra hour to your bedtime routine every night so you can get properly made up before you head off to dreamland. A light coat of baby powder over your finished face will keep some of the makeup from sticking to your pillowcase!

 

Author
Candy DeMarchett

“Beauty outside IS beauty inside.” As former statewide child beauty pageant champion, Candy DeMarschett has been steeped in the world of fashion for basically her entire life. After exhausting the pageant circuit in Tennessee by her late teens, Candy headed west to fulfill her dreams of becoming a writer and a make up artist. After attending Barbazon of Hollywood, Candy then graduated with her Master’s in Literature from CSU Dominguez Hills. In addition to becoming the go to makeup artist for many celebrities of note, including Jenny McCarthy and Janice Dickenson, Candy is the founder and former Chief Editor of Pageant Pretty Magazine, which until recently was the 3rd most popular publication in Georgia. These days, Candy is a devoted stay at home mom with a successful line of child sized press on nails, “KiddieCryllics” which took the nation by storm when they were featured in a segment on the Ricki Lake show. Her greatest hope is that her two children, Sprinkles SaraBella, age 3, and Preston Alistair, age 1, will follow in her glamorous footsteps and one day know the joys of being the prettiest girl in the state.

 

What a 5-Year-Old Boy Knows That You STILL Haven’t Figured Out

6 Apr

We all just want a man’s opinion, especially when it comes to our appearance. But it seems like straight guys never have a space for their voices to be heard and gay men are too similar to women to REALLY know what a guy wants. Well, fret not, Lip Servers, we found a secret weapon…  kids 😉

We set up an interview with one of Hollywood’s brightest child starts, five-year-old Adonis Lopecia. After getting a quick bite to eat at one of LA’s most exclusive raw, macrobiotic restaurants, we took Adonis to Bliss Spa for a facial and to scrub out the dirt on what he thinks makes girls so ugly:

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  1. Boogers.I saw my seat partner eat a booger once and she’s a girl. I told my mommy and mommy said that that’s a really bad thing to do.”  Lip Tip! we’re pleased to hear how many of you are trying out the diet featured in Lip Service last month, but please remember: THE BOOGER DIET SHOULD NOT BE PRACTICED IN PUBLIC. And stop trying to be progressive by calling yourself a seat partner. You’re his girlfriend…own it!
  2. Pink Socks.Pink is a gross girl color. Blue is for boys. My sister Angelina is always leaving her pink socks in my room.” Lip Tip! Where there’s socks, there’s a pair of fugly shoes close behind. Throw out your sensible flats and sneakers and opt for a strappy stiletto instead.
  3. Weird Looking Hair.Girls have stupid weird hair. They tie it like a knot or like try to look like a horse.” Lip Tip! Ponytails make you look manly, like you’re going to go play sports or solve math problems.
  4. They Smell.Ms. Schneider smells like Nana and it makes everyone cough. Daddy says she’s going to die alone in a diaper.” Lip Tip! Your perfume is probably aging you, along with many other factors. The only way to really smell younger is by rubbing your vaginal secretion behind the backs of your ears.
  5. Not Playing It Cool. “I like my Avengers shirt cuz I like Captain America and Iron Man. They’re the best Avengers because they’re really powerful.” Lip Tip! Next date night, dress up as a comic villain and let him live out his childhood dreams by dominating you!
  6. Always Getting Me In Trouble. “Angelina and her friends tell even when I’m not doing anything and she was the one who was spying.” Lip Tip! Don’t get caught going through his emails and texts. Only basic bitches get caught. Are YOU a basic bitch??
  7. Dumb Toys.I don’t like girl toys. They’re always pink and for playing house.” Lip Tip! Switch it up with different colored vibrators. And stop using them for meal preparation. That’s an outdated Lip Tip!

11 Beauty Mistakes You’re Probably Making

31 Mar
  1. Not wearing makeup. Here at Lip Service, we think it should be illegal.
  2. Doing Your Own Nails. Never try to perform a manicure or pedicure on yourself. Even if you have the technical skills to give yourself a set of fab fingers, don’t! It makes you look below your class and pathetic. There are certain…types…of people whose livelihoods depend on scraping your calluses.
  3. Not exploring facial tattoos. 
  4. Forgetting to tape your skin back. There’s no excuse for looking old! Especially when one can use dental floss and masking tape to yank the skin from the temples back, giving the illusion of a hot n taut, youthful face.
  5. Tuning Out Your Ta-Tas. A lot of you gals haven’t even heard of breast slapping outside of the bedroom. But breast slapping is a real treatment that can make your moomelons swell a full cup size!
  6. Using the wrong exfoliant. We’re shocked at the number of woeful women who think apricot scrub is actually going to rid them of their disgusting, microscopic pieces of dead flesh. Acetone vapor baths, steel wool and Tetrahydrofuran all meet the proper abrasion requirements. Anything less isn’t going to give you the newborn infant skin that you crave!
  7. Not carving out enough “you time” in a day. Many women make the stupid assumption that they only need an hour or two to get ready in the morning. Rome wasn’t built with a quick shower and light dusting of bronzer, and neither should you be. You have a long day ahead of you, so your morning beauty routine ought to reflect that.  How long are you planning on being seen in public today? That’s the amount of time it should take you to get ready.
  8. Not finding the right hydration balance. Hydrated skin is great, but a hydrated body can cause bloating and overall hideousness. That’s why we recommend taking water pills every few hours. It will help you naturally expel any moisture that your body might be desperately retaining to function properly and keep your face looking gaunt and gorg. To keePapaya_Beauty_Tips-01p your skin from cracking and becoming severely discolored, we recommend slathering on coconut oil!
  9. Wasting your waste. A facial of 2 tbsp. urine and 1/3 cup feces can give you results almost as effective as a traditional mask made with honey. Add in some semen for your boyfriend’s pleasure 😉
  10. Having any form of body hair.  Many of you make the mistake of thinking that body hair on women is natural.  If that were true, then why do we have the instinct to shave it? We’re smooth and sexy and men are rugged and hairy. So, embrace Mother Nature and liberate yourself from every pesky hair below the eyebrows.
  11. Thin, old lady lips. With all the different lip plumping methods out there these days, no one should have anything but a perfect pout. For those who want to avoid going under the knife, try this simple at-home treatment: repeatedly stab the entire surface of your lips with a needle. Immediately after, vigorously rub a combination habanero chili and cayenne pepper paste (recipe here) on your kisser. Ooh la la!

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

Creative Director/Author/Fashionista
Christien Mozzarti

“La Mer face cream got me where I am today.” Christien Mozzarti, an industry authority,  first began his career in the fashion business in the early 1990s. Over the last decade, he’s proven himself time and time again as a fabulous expert in women’s clothing, fashion, and style.  After meeting his wife, Samantha Miranda, he began to understand their minds, as well. It was at this time he started writing a column on vaginal health and maintenance for Lip Service, causing a rise in the sale of douches, douche bags, and douche nozzles. To honor Mozzarti’s douching efforts, the American Council of Gynecology awarded him with a top spot on the List of Worst Enemies to Vaginas Worldwide. The subsequent controversy only propelled Mozzarti’s career further. Outside of helping to advance women’s style rights, he collects antique Cher memorabilia and kitsch gay pornography.

5 tips to get him from “I don’t know” to “I DO”!!

30 Mar

Every girl wants a perfect husband, but we all know how men feel about commitment!  It’s not his fault; it’s all that crazy testosterone that makes him want variety and dread a relationship.  Fear not, future brides!  You can get around his commitment-phobic nature with these 5 tips to change that hottie you have your eye on from sex partner to life partner!

  1. Crouching Bootycall, Hidden Wife! Offer him no strings attached sex, then insert yourself into his life over time!  Every time you meet up with your honey for a 1am humpfest, simply leave a hairbrush or a hair tie in his bathroom.  Gradually start spending more nights over and leaving more and more of your things at his house. Then, come over one weekend and never leave.   He’ll have no choice but to make YOU temily-kris-hspl-01he lady of the house!
  2. Knocked Up. Get pregnant!  This one’s a no brainer ladies…stop taking your birth control. Every boy likes it bareback!!  If he balks, then just poke holes in his condoms.  If that proves too difficult, try this instead: one night after you two have done the deed, slip into the bathroom and insert the contents of the discarded condom in your dildo hotel.  When he hears that little commitment-maker call him “Daddy”, he’ll want to call YOU his wife!!
  3. Look Who’s (not) Talking Now!!  Whenever you meet up, let HIM do all the talking!  Believe me, he’ll find this to be a breath of fresh air!  Let him guide the conversations in all of your dates and interactions.  Read up on things he likes, and always COMPLIMENT COMPLIMENT COMPLIMENT.  Convince him he can do no wrong, and before you know it you’ll be HIS Mrs. Right!!
  4. Crash. Make him need you! Invite him out for a Sunday afternoon drive (Or a Friday night 1am drive).  Then, simply crash your car and get ready to let Florence Nightingale be your muse!  Nurse your guy back to health from his car “accident” related injuries, and he’ll see what a great caretaker you are!  That will clear the path for him to make you the caretaker of his heart!  Just wait for him to pop the question…and the best part is, he’ll never question why you crashed in the first place…women drivers, right? 😉
  5. Backdraft (EXPERTS ONLY) Unleash the hero in your man!  Burn your house down (Make sure to get your shoes out first though, those Louboutins won’t replace themselves).  What guy can resist a damsel in distress?  After he consoles you and offers you a place to crash, just relax, make yourself at home, and wait for your white night to give you that ring, girl!

 

Author
Candy DeMarchett

 “Beauty outside IS beauty inside.”  As former statewide child beauty pageant champion, Candy DeMarschett has been steeped in the world of fashion for basically her entire life. After exhausting the pageant circuit in Tennessee by her late teens, Candy headed west to fulfill her dreams of becoming a writer and a make up artist. After attending Barbazon of Hollywood, Candy then graduated with her Master’s in Literature from CSU Dominguez Hills. In addition to becoming the go to makeup artist for many celebrities of note, including Jenny McCarthy and Janice Dickenson, Candy is the founder and former Chief Editor of Pageant Pretty Magazine, which until recently was the 3rd most popular publication in Georgia. These days, Candy is a devoted stay at home mom with a successful line of child sized press on nails, “KiddieCryllics” which took the nation by storm when they were featured in a segment on the Ricki Lake show. Her greatest hope is that her two children, Sprinkles SaraBella, age 3, and Preston Alistair, age 1, will follow in her glamorous footsteps and one day know the joys of being the prettiest girl in the state.

 

What You’re Doing Wrong

29 Mar

Guys reveal the secret turn-offs and pet peeves guaranteed to drive them away.

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“I hate it when girls have pockets. Not to be a dick or anything, but it makes their hips look fat. Besides, isn’t that what purses are for?”
– Craig Anderson, 27

 

 

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“Turn offs? Hairy pits, hairy legs, hairy pussy.”
– Ben Nagel, 32

 

 

 

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”Honestly, being a bitch. I’m so tired of women thinking they’re hot shit just because I’ve asked them out. Christ, you should be thankful that I’m even talking to you when you’re, at best, a 6.”
-Bryce Casabean , 29

 

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“When a girl thinks she’s smarter than me.”
– Jon Massey, 26

 

 

 

“I don’t wanna come off as an asshole or anything, but I’m tired of listening to chicks bitch about the ‘gender wage gap’. I’m paying for your dinner, doesn’t that make us even?”
– Bradley Stockton, 25

 

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“Ok, so I’m gonna keep it real here, ladies…STOP WEARING FLATS. It always looks manly. High heels are so sexy.”
– Adam Liu, 32

 

 

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“When they’re too slutty or not slutty enough.”
-Flynn Doyle, 28

 

 

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“Women in leadership roles.”
– Brian Weimar, 26

 

 

 

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“I find myself most disgusted when I discover that it can’t take direction.”
-Geoffrey Drench, 30