Tag Archives: relationships

Becoming an Erotic Explorer: A Treasure Map to Your Pleasure Zones

Did you know your body is covered with pleasure enhancing zones that scientist call er-og-e-nous? Next time you have to get in the mood for him, try spending some time alone first, getting to know your hair-free, hot n’ heavy hotspots up close n’ personal. Do you like it in or out? What’s your favorite color to think of during sex? To help you answer these questions, Lip Service Magazine has listed all of the percolating places to push your pleasure from getting you wet to wetting your sheets.

I’ll G Right There: Can’t find your G-spot? Take your digit and really get in there. See, told you!

Geisha Gone Wild: Hey, busy babes: remember to wasabi on wasabi off your edamame… it’s actually good for it! And what’s good for it is good for him. You love you long time!

Tits for Toots: Feisty Flatsies all the way to Double D Divas should know the importance of their tittertots. Just beneath your ninis are trillions of nerve endings and muscles; so, calfettes, always remember to twerk them while you work them! You’ll be udderly surprised 😉

Cheeky Chola: Next Tantric Tango, tackle your tom-tom like a true ‘tina. Pour hot sauce just below your enojita. !Hot tamale!

Insider Trading: Hype your hipbone hopscotch with this hypnotic hanky-panky hold: gently turn your commodity back and forth, until you can actually feel it.

One Load at a Time: Get just out of the cleaners hot by tweeing your squee with faaaaaaaaaaabric softener…

BBQueef: Barbeque the meat in your smoke pit thrice over n’ down under until tender and smokin’ hot. 5 alarm chili anyone? No thanks, we’re on a diet.

Crafty Beaver: Tantrum your trinket with this steamy straightforward snuffy sexxx secret: Start with a pen, 2 rubber bands and a 4” piece of yarn and end with pure pink pleasure.

Supreme Cooter Courting: Attempt to influence your own official “decisions” 😉 by lobbying YOURSELF with the free flirty fundamentals in freaking. Read all about it!

Lunch Meat: Eeniemeenieminey YOUR mo with this meathole in one: eradicate your delicately delicate delicatessen. Repeat. That’s one spicy meatball!!

Sticky Buns: Bake your bonbon with prolonged dry heat by convection! To keep things hot, you’ll need something that starts with an “a”, rhymes with “lobotomy”, and ends in “w”. Certifiably sexy!!!

Knock, Knock. Who’s there? You. “You” who? Yoohoo, ladies! Now you get the idea!

Sexy Can I: with nothing or all, all at once, and nothing at all. It’s all the same. Wherever will you go now? You’re already there.

Cum & Ride the Train: A passenger train’s speed is 60 mph and a freight train’s speed is 40 mph. The passenger train travels the same distance in 1.5 h less time than the freight train. How long does each train take to make the ….”trip”? 😉 😉 😉

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Pleasure Meat Log: β = 10 log = 20 log

I0 P0HHHHH….

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Tags: beauty advice, feminism, masturbation, relationships, satire, sex tips

On the Lookout for Mr. Right: The 5 Times in Your Day You’ve Been Slacking!

19 Apr

So you’re still single, huh? It’s no wonder: American culture keeps us ladies notoriously busy and there are so many times when we don’t even bother to look our best. We tell ourselves it doesn’t matter that we’re in sweats and a ball cap…it’s just a quick errand, right? WRONG! The perfect guy might always be right around the corner, and, so, a woman needs to be prepared. Don’t let your future husband slip through your fingers just because he met you on a bad face day! Here are the 5 times that you might have found your soul mate, had you been looking your best:

While running errands. You spend a huge chunk of your time going to the post office or the dry cleaners, and guess what, so do single men! ALWAYS put on makeup before you go to the laundromat. I mean, he might see you folding your underwear 😉 Heading to the supermarket? Pushing a shopping cart looks really hot in heels…and he’ll be checking YOU out!!
Exercise time! Stash an extra makeup kit in your gym bag, so, even if you’re pressed for time, you’ll always be able to get your game face on! Use waterproof foundation and mascara to prevent your makeup from sweating off. Bonus points if you learn to negotiate the elliptical in those strappy stilettos you have just sitting in your closet. Fierce!
Walking the dog. Don’t think you can slack just because you’re heading to the dog park! Your future mister might be a dog lover too, right? Next time you head out with Fido, try some 90s inspired canine chic by wearing a cute baby doll dress with some big doc martin boots! Don’t forget a huge flowery purse for all your doggie accessories (and makeup, duh). Groovy!
In the shower. Don’t you wish you’d lose a pound for every time you’ve had to throw on a towel and get the door in the middle of a bath or shower? Girls, that could be him at the door, so don’t ever be unprepared! Keep waterproof eyeliner and lip gloss in the shower next to your body wash or razor. Next time the doorbell rings, you’ll be on point in case it’s your future mister!
Bedtime. Sure, you’re dreaming of him, but what if your house catches on fire and he’s one of the firemen who shows up to put it out? Snag your prince charming! Allot an extra hour to your bedtime routine every night so you can get properly made up before you head off to dreamland. A light coat of baby powder over your finished face will keep some of the makeup from sticking to your pillowcase!

Author
Candy DeMarchett

“Beauty outside IS beauty inside.” As former statewide child beauty pageant champion, Candy DeMarschett has been steeped in the world of fashion for basically her entire life. After exhausting the pageant circuit in Tennessee by her late teens, Candy headed west to fulfill her dreams of becoming a writer and a make up artist. After attending Barbazon of Hollywood, Candy then graduated with her Master’s in Literature from CSU Dominguez Hills. In addition to becoming the go to makeup artist for many celebrities of note, including Jenny McCarthy and Janice Dickenson, Candy is the founder and former Chief Editor of Pageant Pretty Magazine, which until recently was the 3rd most popular publication in Georgia. These days, Candy is a devoted stay at home mom with a successful line of child sized press on nails, “KiddieCryllics” which took the nation by storm when they were featured in a segment on the Ricki Lake show. Her greatest hope is that her two children, Sprinkles SaraBella, age 3, and Preston Alistair, age 1, will follow in her glamorous footsteps and one day know the joys of being the prettiest girl in the state.

Tags: beauty tips, feminism, feminist, fidning mr. right, looking goods, makeup, relationships

What a 5-Year-Old Boy Knows That You STILL Haven’t Figured Out

6 Apr

We all just want a man’s opinion, especially when it comes to our appearance. But it seems like straight guys never have a space for their voices to be heard and gay men are too similar to women to REALLY know what a guy wants. Well, fret not, Lip Servers, we found a secret weapon… kids 😉

We set up an interview with one of Hollywood’s brightest child starts, five-year-old Adonis Lopecia. After getting a quick bite to eat at one of LA’s most exclusive raw, macrobiotic restaurants, we took Adonis to Bliss Spa for a facial and to scrub out the dirt on what he thinks makes girls so ugly:

Boogers. “I saw my seat partner eat a booger once and she’s a girl. I told my mommy and mommy said that that’s a really bad thing to do.” Lip Tip! we’re pleased to hear how many of you are trying out the diet featured in Lip Service last month, but please remember: THE BOOGER DIET SHOULD NOT BE PRACTICED IN PUBLIC. And stop trying to be progressive by calling yourself a seat partner. You’re his girlfriend…own it!
Pink Socks. “Pink is a gross girl color. Blue is for boys. My sister Angelina is always leaving her pink socks in my room.” Lip Tip! Where there’s socks, there’s a pair of fugly shoes close behind. Throw out your sensible flats and sneakers and opt for a strappy stiletto instead.
Weird Looking Hair. “Girls have stupid weird hair. They tie it like a knot or like try to look like a horse.” Lip Tip! Ponytails make you look manly, like you’re going to go play sports or solve math problems.
They Smell. “Ms. Schneider smells like Nana and it makes everyone cough. Daddy says she’s going to die alone in a diaper.” Lip Tip! Your perfume is probably aging you, along with many other factors. The only way to really smell younger is by rubbing your vaginal secretion behind the backs of your ears.
Not Playing It Cool. “I like my Avengers shirt cuz I like Captain America and Iron Man. They’re the best Avengers because they’re really powerful.” Lip Tip! Next date night, dress up as a comic villain and let him live out his childhood dreams by dominating you!
Always Getting Me In Trouble. “Angelina and her friends tell even when I’m not doing anything and she was the one who was spying.” Lip Tip! Don’t get caught going through his emails and texts. Only basic bitches get caught. Are YOU a basic bitch??
Dumb Toys. “I don’t like girl toys. They’re always pink and for playing house.” Lip Tip! Switch it up with different colored vibrators. And stop using them for meal preparation. That’s an outdated Lip Tip!

Tags: beauty, beauty advice, beauty tips, feminism, feminist, relationship advice, relationship tips, relationships

5 tips to get him from “I don’t know” to “I DO”!!

30 Mar

Every girl wants a perfect husband, but we all know how men feel about commitment! It’s not his fault; it’s all that crazy testosterone that makes him want variety and dread a relationship. Fear not, future brides! You can get around his commitment-phobic nature with these 5 tips to change that hottie you have your eye on from sex partner to life partner!

Crouching Bootycall, Hidden Wife! Offer him no strings attached sex, then insert yourself into his life over time! Every time you meet up with your honey for a 1am humpfest, simply leave a hairbrush or a hair tie in his bathroom. Gradually start spending more nights over and leaving more and more of your things at his house. Then, come over one weekend and never leave. He’ll have no choice but to make YOU the lady of the house!
Knocked Up. Get pregnant! This one’s a no brainer ladies…stop taking your birth control. Every boy likes it bareback!! If he balks, then just poke holes in his condoms. If that proves too difficult, try this instead: one night after you two have done the deed, slip into the bathroom and insert the contents of the discarded condom in your dildo hotel. When he hears that little commitment-maker call him “Daddy”, he’ll want to call YOU his wife!!
Look Who’s (not) Talking Now!! Whenever you meet up, let HIM do all the talking! Believe me, he’ll find this to be a breath of fresh air! Let him guide the conversations in all of your dates and interactions. Read up on things he likes, and always COMPLIMENT COMPLIMENT COMPLIMENT. Convince him he can do no wrong, and before you know it you’ll be HIS Mrs. Right!!
Crash. Make him need you! Invite him out for a Sunday afternoon drive (Or a Friday night 1am drive). Then, simply crash your car and get ready to let Florence Nightingale be your muse! Nurse your guy back to health from his car “accident” related injuries, and he’ll see what a great caretaker you are! That will clear the path for him to make you the caretaker of his heart! Just wait for him to pop the question…and the best part is, he’ll never question why you crashed in the first place…women drivers, right? 😉
Backdraft (EXPERTS ONLY) Unleash the hero in your man! Burn your house down (Make sure to get your shoes out first though, those Louboutins won’t replace themselves). What guy can resist a damsel in distress? After he consoles you and offers you a place to crash, just relax, make yourself at home, and wait for your white night to give you that ring, girl!

Author
Candy DeMarchett

“Beauty outside IS beauty inside.” As former statewide child beauty pageant champion, Candy DeMarschett has been steeped in the world of fashion for basically her entire life. After exhausting the pageant circuit in Tennessee by her late teens, Candy headed west to fulfill her dreams of becoming a writer and a make up artist. After attending Barbazon of Hollywood, Candy then graduated with her Master’s in Literature from CSU Dominguez Hills. In addition to becoming the go to makeup artist for many celebrities of note, including Jenny McCarthy and Janice Dickenson, Candy is the founder and former Chief Editor of Pageant Pretty Magazine, which until recently was the 3rd most popular publication in Georgia. These days, Candy is a devoted stay at home mom with a successful line of child sized press on nails, “KiddieCryllics” which took the nation by storm when they were featured in a segment on the Ricki Lake show. Her greatest hope is that her two children, Sprinkles SaraBella, age 3, and Preston Alistair, age 1, will follow in her glamorous footsteps and one day know the joys of being the prettiest girl in the state.

Tags: dating advice, engagement, feminism, feminist, how-to, pregnancy, relationships

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Categories Numbered Lists, Relationships
Author Candy DeMarchett

What You’re Doing Wrong

29 Mar

Guys reveal the secret turn-offs and pet peeves guaranteed to drive them away.

“I hate it when girls have pockets. Not to be a dick or anything, but it makes their hips look fat. Besides, isn’t that what purses are for?”
– Craig Anderson, 27

“Turn offs? Hairy pits, hairy legs, hairy pussy.”
– Ben Nagel, 32

”Honestly, being a bitch. I’m so tired of women thinking they’re hot shit just because I’ve asked them out. Christ, you should be thankful that I’m even talking to you when you’re, at best, a 6.”
-Bryce Casabean , 29

“When a girl thinks she’s smarter than me.”
– Jon Massey, 26

“I don’t wanna come off as an asshole or anything, but I’m tired of listening to chicks bitch about the ‘gender wage gap’. I’m paying for your dinner, doesn’t that make us even?”
– Bradley Stockton, 25

“Ok, so I’m gonna keep it real here, ladies…STOP WEARING FLATS. It always looks manly. High heels are so sexy.”
– Adam Liu, 32

“When they’re too slutty or not slutty enough.”
-Flynn Doyle, 28

“Women in leadership roles.”
– Brian Weimar, 26

“I find myself most disgusted when I discover that it can’t take direction.”
-Geoffrey Drench, 30