Tag Archives: beauty

Quiz: Are You Pretty?

16 Jun

woman wondering is she's pretty1. What is your BMI ?

A)     Underweight (18.5 or below – you go, girl!)

B)     Basic Bitch (18.5 – 24.9)

C)     Unlovable (25+)

 

2. And your age?

A)     Cute (19 yrs or younger)

B)     Fading (20 -25 yrs)

C)     Waste of space  (26+ yrs)

 

3. How often do you wear makeup?

A)     Always. I sleep and shower in it.

B)     Most days I wear at least some form of makeup to cover imperfections and shame.

C)     When I feel like it or hardly ever. Either way, I love the skin I’m in!

Woman-Asking-Question

4. How’s your relationship with your father?

A)     Poor – We don’t have a relationship or we have stopped speaking because I’m not attractive enough.

B)     OK – We don’t have a great relationship, but I’ve worked through a lot of my issues and accept that I have an Electra Complex.

C)     Great! My dad loves me unconditionally.

 

5. How often do you think about your weight or diet?

A)     I’m sorry, what? I was counting calories…

B)     More often than I care to admit. But I’m trying to develop a healthier body image and eating habits, no matter what hurtful comments my mom makes about my midsection.

C)     I try my best to be healthy and love myself at any size.

 

6. How many products are used in your skin regimen?

A)     All of them.

B)     Three to six: Wash, tone, moisturize, eye cream… that sort of thing.

C)     Not many. I think a lot of the beauty products marketed towards women are made up of pseudo-science claims that promote insecurity, unrealistic beauty ideals, and an unhealthy fear of aging.

 

how pretty are you quiz7. How often are you catcalled by men on the street?

A)     Omg, all the time. I think it’s super flattering. They’re just letting you know you’re doing something right!

B)     Omg, all the time. But that’s life!

C)     Omg, all the time. I find it disrespectful and, at times, threatening.

 

8. Do you think you’re pretty?

A)     No… do yoouuu think I’m pretty???

B)     Strangely, I feel prettiest on months when my Lip Service Magazine subscription gets sent to the wrong address.

C)     Sure! I think everyone’s beautiful and deserves to feel beautiful.

 

lip service beauty quiz

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DSM Diva: 15 Lip Tips that’ll Have You Committed!

8 Apr dsn diva header

If Girl, Interrupted taught us anything, it’s that crazy girls are crazy hot! Want men to romanticize you with roses and the “crazy chicks are the best in bed” label? Then follow along with these Lip Tips, sure to make you the star of the psych ward!

1. Bi-Polar. Nothing says “I’m single” like an attention grabbing makeout sesh with another lady!!! Next time you lock eyes with him, quickly lock lips with her, so he knows you’re interested!

2. Little Miss Munchausen/Munchausen Sweetie Syndrome. Pretend to be mentally disturbed to keep your keeper! Obvs!

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3. Manic-Impression. Make the first impression count with a daintily disrupted display that says “damaged and DTF”: Smeared eyeliner, blistered lips, bruised forearms, unkempt hair, and a shivering hot bod!

4. Attention Deficit Diva.  Say so long to that deficit! Multitask in style, but more importantly, obtain a ‘script for your special needs… to lose weight and gain attention! 😉 😉 😉

crazy.girl lip service mag5. Faux-bia. Need the spotlight on the spot? Next time you’re going ignored in a group, try this quick fix: Screech loudly and point at something in your vicinity, like a blemish on your friend’s face. Apologize for making such a scene and proceed to open up about your trauma for as long as you can stretch it. Add tears and a trembling, glossy lip to complete your ensem’!

6. Dissociative Me, Myself, and Identity Disorder. Don’t rely on the same Plain Jane identity as yesterday. She’s inherently bad and does bad things, after all. You should forget her. Her who? That’s the spirit!  Switch things up until you’re someone that he finds attractive!

7. Klepto-man-iac. Can’t find a man of your own? That’s what your friends’ are for!

8. Anorexia Mimosa. There’s a scientific reason you feel so good getting drinks with the girls, and it’s not because of those hags you hang out with! Alcohol gives you a radiant flush and its diuretic properties battle the bloat and you, obviously, can’t eat with a vodka redbull in your mouth! Plus, it makes barhopping with your band of backstabbing basic bitches more bearable. We’ll drink to that!

9. De-men-tia. Holding out for someone who will love you at any size? Forget it: You’re not gonna get married before your 21st birthday with that attitude! Just go with the last guy. That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

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10. Obsessively Compulsively Dissuasive Disorder. As our readers know, the easiest way to build confidence and love the skin you’re in is through the act of repeatedly, incessantly, and constantly inhibiting others! Next time your gal pal looks hot, advise her to change and maybe stay in for the night. Follow up with a text later, reminding her why she needs to cover up. And an email in the morning, to be on the safe side. Stay on top of her and be persistent. But, remember, don’t push too hard or you could have an Agore-a-cutie on your hands!

11. Agore-a-cutie! Don’t let a needy job, family, or social obligations get in the way of what’s really important to you! Avoid judgement and pore-clogging germs, and ensure you always look your best by reserving enough time at home to perform a half-a-day beauty regime. Look to Lip Service or GOOP to find a plan that works for you! We recommend our Fast-mask-wash-purge-exfoliate-sprint-clean-extract-moisturize-repeat Cleanse!

crazy sexy girl lip service 12. Schizooohh. Nothing sets the mood like being watched. And, lucky for you, you’re always being watched! But, sometimes, the best way to turn him, and Them, on comes from within! Listen to that little voice inside you for guidance next time he’s inside you. But which he?!

13. Manic Monday. Mondays are the worst… the last thing the office needs is you showing up looking bloated! Begin your day with a diet plan that’ll jump start the rest of your week’s weight loss: Take a break from food and focus on something more productive, like shopping!  Shop, shop, shop…shop until you drop! More, more, more… so you never feel bored!! Buy, buy, buy… you’re a secret spy!!! Spy, spy, spy… because only you can fly!!! No one can stop you, not until you’re blue. No one can stop you because YOU’RE GOD.

14. Borderline Purse-onality Disorder. Psycho-ordinate your purses with your mood! Or at least the mood you want people to think you’re in… or the mood you’re in when you trick people into thinking that’s the mood you want people to think you’re in! Oops, was that on purpose???!!!??

15. Delusionaughty. Don’t dress for the man you have, dress for the man you want. Be the man you want. A naughty man… for your man. Policeman, Fireman, Superman, Salesman, Astronaut Man, Doctor Man, Pilot Man, Presi-don’t go there girlfriend, he’s taken… by you! You’re under arrest – for naughty.

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

5 Quick Steps to a Younger Looking Vagina

29 May
Medical Illustration by Christien Mozzarti

Medical Illustration by Christien Mozzarti

We all want it: that smooth, pink Peek-A-Boo of our youth. But, as we hit our early 20’s, many of us begin to notice our vaginas just aren’t as luminous as back in ourglory (hole) days. We sat down with celebrity astrologist, Becky Bradshaw, and got her to dish on the top 5 tips for getting our Tinkerbelles tight and right, without going under the knife:

  1. Tucky Your Yuckies. Tucking isn’t just for drag queens and lady boys! Use 1/4″ thick pieces of flesh-colored duct tape to gently fold your labia under.
  2. Pouty Pubis. Inject saline into your pubis to give it a more youthful appearance. It’s the one place where being fat is a good thing!
  3. Like a Virgin! Retouch your hymen for the very first time with a quick visit to your local hardware store [Lip Tip: Bring a guy friend so you don’t get lost]. With just a few basic items you’ll be on your way to having that precious piece of skin back.
  4. So Long, Anal! Your trip to Home Depot isn’t over yet, ladies!  PVC tubes are a great way to get the sexy fit you and your boyfriend have always wanted. Just cut one to the exact length of your vaginal walls and insert it until the tube presses against your cervix. Voilà: petite and perfect!
  5. Make Up with Your VaGina Davis. Bronzer and highlighter can contour a lot more than cheekbones. This stuff works wonders for creating the illusion of a more toned Tom-Tom. You never leave the house without makeup, so why not take the time to show your Peekini some Lancôme love, too!

Although these tricks will go a long way to youthinize your YooHoo, in severe cases or over the age of 30, Becky recommends scouting out a good plastic surgeon that specializes in vaginal reconstruction.

 

Creative Director/Author/Fashionista
Christien Mozzarti

“La Mer face cream got me where I am today.” Christien Mozzarti, an industry authority,  first began his career in the fashion business in the early 1990s. Over the last decade, he’s proven himself time and time again as a fabulous expert in women’s clothing, fashion, and style.  After meeting his wife, Samantha Miranda, he began to understand their minds, as well. It was at this time he started writing a column on vaginal health and maintenance for Lip Service, causing a rise in the sale of douches, douche bags, and douche nozzles. To honor Mozzarti’s douching efforts, the American Council of Gynecology awarded him with a top spot on the List of Worst Enemies to Vaginas Worldwide. The subsequent controversy only propelled Mozzarti’s career further. Outside of helping to advance women’s style rights, he collects antique Cher memorabilia and kitsch gay pornography.

 

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

What a 5-Year-Old Boy Knows That You STILL Haven’t Figured Out

6 Apr

We all just want a man’s opinion, especially when it comes to our appearance. But it seems like straight guys never have a space for their voices to be heard and gay men are too similar to women to REALLY know what a guy wants. Well, fret not, Lip Servers, we found a secret weapon…  kids 😉

We set up an interview with one of Hollywood’s brightest child starts, five-year-old Adonis Lopecia. After getting a quick bite to eat at one of LA’s most exclusive raw, macrobiotic restaurants, we took Adonis to Bliss Spa for a facial and to scrub out the dirt on what he thinks makes girls so ugly:

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  1. Boogers.I saw my seat partner eat a booger once and she’s a girl. I told my mommy and mommy said that that’s a really bad thing to do.”  Lip Tip! we’re pleased to hear how many of you are trying out the diet featured in Lip Service last month, but please remember: THE BOOGER DIET SHOULD NOT BE PRACTICED IN PUBLIC. And stop trying to be progressive by calling yourself a seat partner. You’re his girlfriend…own it!
  2. Pink Socks.Pink is a gross girl color. Blue is for boys. My sister Angelina is always leaving her pink socks in my room.” Lip Tip! Where there’s socks, there’s a pair of fugly shoes close behind. Throw out your sensible flats and sneakers and opt for a strappy stiletto instead.
  3. Weird Looking Hair.Girls have stupid weird hair. They tie it like a knot or like try to look like a horse.” Lip Tip! Ponytails make you look manly, like you’re going to go play sports or solve math problems.
  4. They Smell.Ms. Schneider smells like Nana and it makes everyone cough. Daddy says she’s going to die alone in a diaper.” Lip Tip! Your perfume is probably aging you, along with many other factors. The only way to really smell younger is by rubbing your vaginal secretion behind the backs of your ears.
  5. Not Playing It Cool. “I like my Avengers shirt cuz I like Captain America and Iron Man. They’re the best Avengers because they’re really powerful.” Lip Tip! Next date night, dress up as a comic villain and let him live out his childhood dreams by dominating you!
  6. Always Getting Me In Trouble. “Angelina and her friends tell even when I’m not doing anything and she was the one who was spying.” Lip Tip! Don’t get caught going through his emails and texts. Only basic bitches get caught. Are YOU a basic bitch??
  7. Dumb Toys.I don’t like girl toys. They’re always pink and for playing house.” Lip Tip! Switch it up with different colored vibrators. And stop using them for meal preparation. That’s an outdated Lip Tip!