Tag Archives: funny

Postpartum Pretty Pick Me Ups for Chunky Child Bearers

25 Oct i got my body back pregnancy weightloss

If Celebrities have taught us anything, it’s that’s bouncing to your passable pre-preggy weight is easy peasy! Just cut back on the peas, piggy! But some mangy mama’s just can’t get their acts together. Listen up, Lip Servers: Maternity Leave gives you the downtime to drop the dumpy look and focus on what’s most important to you: Getting your body back!

Kim-k got her body back pregnancy weightloss1.
 Baby Mama. If you’ve read our guide “Baby-in-Waiting: From Cradle to Fave” you already know the only thing cuter than looking like a baby is weighing like a baby. Learn a lesson from your newly-spawned thinspiration by eating what it eats! A strict diet of formula fasting will give you the nutrients you need and spitting up will ensure you ditch the calories before he ditches you.

2. Y Tu Mama Tambien. Entice new-mom jealousy in all of your friends with social media updates about the must-have fashion accessory you just birthed.  Then, when they get knocked up, their looks get knocked down, and you’re a knock out by comparison! 😉

Mariah-Carey-Gets-Body-Back-After-Baby-013. Mama Said Knock You Out.  As a new mother, you’re blessed with an incredible miracle! You’ve been granted 2-3 months of unpaid maternity leave to devote to losing the fug n’ flab. Kickstart your weight loss with a hefty Ambien ‘script. If used correctly (every 2-4 hrs), you’ll spend the next eight weeks in a dreamy dieting haze, floating through the halls of your home, with your weight-training newborn in tow.

4. Mama Mia!  Everyone knows Italians love their mothers. Bag your own Rocky-Rambo Italian Stallion with a sultry look straight from the pages of Italian Vogue! Break out your finest Virgin Mary garb and hit the local pizzerias! Mamma mia, you’re shaped like one spicy meatball!

pregnancy weightloss how i got my body back5. Mama’s Boy. If the baby took after you, there’s a good chance he’s in need of a makeover! Cosmetics aren’t safe for children under two, so the best you’ll be able to do is accessorize him with a leather facemask and body suit studded in Swarovski crystals. Get a handle on him with an actual handle that makes your baby easy to carry on the go. Just don’t lose your keys in there!

6. Mommy Beer-est. Now’s the best time to procreate an image sexier than the one that got you into this portly position! Show ‘em that you’ve still got it by leaving the baby buzzkill at home and frequenting the local high school keggar scene in your most attention-grabbing bodycon from freshman year. Drink up and spin the bottle like you’re seventeen again! Just because you’re a new mama doesn’t mean you have to act like one!

7. Child Protective Services Can’t find a babysitter when you need to hit the gym? Give the Nanny State a call and they’ll watch your baby until you lose the flab and are fit for parenthood.


DSM Diva: 15 Lip Tips that’ll Have You Committed!

8 Apr dsn diva header

If Girl, Interrupted taught us anything, it’s that crazy girls are crazy hot! Want men to romanticize you with roses and the “crazy chicks are the best in bed” label? Then follow along with these Lip Tips, sure to make you the star of the psych ward!

1. Bi-Polar. Nothing says “I’m single” like an attention grabbing makeout sesh with another lady!!! Next time you lock eyes with him, quickly lock lips with her, so he knows you’re interested!

2. Little Miss Munchausen/Munchausen Sweetie Syndrome. Pretend to be mentally disturbed to keep your keeper! Obvs!

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3. Manic-Impression. Make the first impression count with a daintily disrupted display that says “damaged and DTF”: Smeared eyeliner, blistered lips, bruised forearms, unkempt hair, and a shivering hot bod!

4. Attention Deficit Diva.  Say so long to that deficit! Multitask in style, but more importantly, obtain a ‘script for your special needs… to lose weight and gain attention! 😉 😉 😉

crazy.girl lip service mag5. Faux-bia. Need the spotlight on the spot? Next time you’re going ignored in a group, try this quick fix: Screech loudly and point at something in your vicinity, like a blemish on your friend’s face. Apologize for making such a scene and proceed to open up about your trauma for as long as you can stretch it. Add tears and a trembling, glossy lip to complete your ensem’!

6. Dissociative Me, Myself, and Identity Disorder. Don’t rely on the same Plain Jane identity as yesterday. She’s inherently bad and does bad things, after all. You should forget her. Her who? That’s the spirit!  Switch things up until you’re someone that he finds attractive!

7. Klepto-man-iac. Can’t find a man of your own? That’s what your friends’ are for!

8. Anorexia Mimosa. There’s a scientific reason you feel so good getting drinks with the girls, and it’s not because of those hags you hang out with! Alcohol gives you a radiant flush and its diuretic properties battle the bloat and you, obviously, can’t eat with a vodka redbull in your mouth! Plus, it makes barhopping with your band of backstabbing basic bitches more bearable. We’ll drink to that!

9. De-men-tia. Holding out for someone who will love you at any size? Forget it: You’re not gonna get married before your 21st birthday with that attitude! Just go with the last guy. That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.


10. Obsessively Compulsively Dissuasive Disorder. As our readers know, the easiest way to build confidence and love the skin you’re in is through the act of repeatedly, incessantly, and constantly inhibiting others! Next time your gal pal looks hot, advise her to change and maybe stay in for the night. Follow up with a text later, reminding her why she needs to cover up. And an email in the morning, to be on the safe side. Stay on top of her and be persistent. But, remember, don’t push too hard or you could have an Agore-a-cutie on your hands!

11. Agore-a-cutie! Don’t let a needy job, family, or social obligations get in the way of what’s really important to you! Avoid judgement and pore-clogging germs, and ensure you always look your best by reserving enough time at home to perform a half-a-day beauty regime. Look to Lip Service or GOOP to find a plan that works for you! We recommend our Fast-mask-wash-purge-exfoliate-sprint-clean-extract-moisturize-repeat Cleanse!

crazy sexy girl lip service 12. Schizooohh. Nothing sets the mood like being watched. And, lucky for you, you’re always being watched! But, sometimes, the best way to turn him, and Them, on comes from within! Listen to that little voice inside you for guidance next time he’s inside you. But which he?!

13. Manic Monday. Mondays are the worst… the last thing the office needs is you showing up looking bloated! Begin your day with a diet plan that’ll jump start the rest of your week’s weight loss: Take a break from food and focus on something more productive, like shopping!  Shop, shop, shop…shop until you drop! More, more, more… so you never feel bored!! Buy, buy, buy… you’re a secret spy!!! Spy, spy, spy… because only you can fly!!! No one can stop you, not until you’re blue. No one can stop you because YOU’RE GOD.

14. Borderline Purse-onality Disorder. Psycho-ordinate your purses with your mood! Or at least the mood you want people to think you’re in… or the mood you’re in when you trick people into thinking that’s the mood you want people to think you’re in! Oops, was that on purpose???!!!??

15. Delusionaughty. Don’t dress for the man you have, dress for the man you want. Be the man you want. A naughty man… for your man. Policeman, Fireman, Superman, Salesman, Astronaut Man, Doctor Man, Pilot Man, Presi-don’t go there girlfriend, he’s taken… by you! You’re under arrest – for naughty.

Samantha Miranda

Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.