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DSM Diva: 15 Lip Tips that’ll Have You Committed!

8 Apr dsn diva header

If Girl, Interrupted taught us anything, it’s that crazy girls are crazy hot! Want men to romanticize you with roses and the “crazy chicks are the best in bed” label? Then follow along with these Lip Tips, sure to make you the star of the psych ward!

1. Bi-Polar. Nothing says “I’m single” like an attention grabbing makeout sesh with another lady!!! Next time you lock eyes with him, quickly lock lips with her, so he knows you’re interested!

2. Little Miss Munchausen/Munchausen Sweetie Syndrome. Pretend to be mentally disturbed to keep your keeper! Obvs!

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3. Manic-Impression. Make the first impression count with a daintily disrupted display that says “damaged and DTF”: Smeared eyeliner, blistered lips, bruised forearms, unkempt hair, and a shivering hot bod!

4. Attention Deficit Diva.  Say so long to that deficit! Multitask in style, but more importantly, obtain a ‘script for your special needs… to lose weight and gain attention! 😉 😉 😉

crazy.girl lip service mag5. Faux-bia. Need the spotlight on the spot? Next time you’re going ignored in a group, try this quick fix: Screech loudly and point at something in your vicinity, like a blemish on your friend’s face. Apologize for making such a scene and proceed to open up about your trauma for as long as you can stretch it. Add tears and a trembling, glossy lip to complete your ensem’!

6. Dissociative Me, Myself, and Identity Disorder. Don’t rely on the same Plain Jane identity as yesterday. She’s inherently bad and does bad things, after all. You should forget her. Her who? That’s the spirit!  Switch things up until you’re someone that he finds attractive!

7. Klepto-man-iac. Can’t find a man of your own? That’s what your friends’ are for!

8. Anorexia Mimosa. There’s a scientific reason you feel so good getting drinks with the girls, and it’s not because of those hags you hang out with! Alcohol gives you a radiant flush and its diuretic properties battle the bloat and you, obviously, can’t eat with a vodka redbull in your mouth! Plus, it makes barhopping with your band of backstabbing basic bitches more bearable. We’ll drink to that!

9. De-men-tia. Holding out for someone who will love you at any size? Forget it: You’re not gonna get married before your 21st birthday with that attitude! Just go with the last guy. That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

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10. Obsessively Compulsively Dissuasive Disorder. As our readers know, the easiest way to build confidence and love the skin you’re in is through the act of repeatedly, incessantly, and constantly inhibiting others! Next time your gal pal looks hot, advise her to change and maybe stay in for the night. Follow up with a text later, reminding her why she needs to cover up. And an email in the morning, to be on the safe side. Stay on top of her and be persistent. But, remember, don’t push too hard or you could have an Agore-a-cutie on your hands!

11. Agore-a-cutie! Don’t let a needy job, family, or social obligations get in the way of what’s really important to you! Avoid judgement and pore-clogging germs, and ensure you always look your best by reserving enough time at home to perform a half-a-day beauty regime. Look to Lip Service or GOOP to find a plan that works for you! We recommend our Fast-mask-wash-purge-exfoliate-sprint-clean-extract-moisturize-repeat Cleanse!

crazy sexy girl lip service 12. Schizooohh. Nothing sets the mood like being watched. And, lucky for you, you’re always being watched! But, sometimes, the best way to turn him, and Them, on comes from within! Listen to that little voice inside you for guidance next time he’s inside you. But which he?!

13. Manic Monday. Mondays are the worst… the last thing the office needs is you showing up looking bloated! Begin your day with a diet plan that’ll jump start the rest of your week’s weight loss: Take a break from food and focus on something more productive, like shopping!  Shop, shop, shop…shop until you drop! More, more, more… so you never feel bored!! Buy, buy, buy… you’re a secret spy!!! Spy, spy, spy… because only you can fly!!! No one can stop you, not until you’re blue. No one can stop you because YOU’RE GOD.

14. Borderline Purse-onality Disorder. Psycho-ordinate your purses with your mood! Or at least the mood you want people to think you’re in… or the mood you’re in when you trick people into thinking that’s the mood you want people to think you’re in! Oops, was that on purpose???!!!??

15. Delusionaughty. Don’t dress for the man you have, dress for the man you want. Be the man you want. A naughty man… for your man. Policeman, Fireman, Superman, Salesman, Astronaut Man, Doctor Man, Pilot Man, Presi-don’t go there girlfriend, he’s taken… by you! You’re under arrest – for naughty.

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

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The Cat’s Meow: Tips & Tricks from Our Feline Friends

11 Nov katty catty purry pur put

1. Let the Cat out of the Bag. What says “I’m single” more than a prominent display of your meowmix? Nothing! Let out your inner pussy and entice his big dog by wearing hot pants so short your labia majora is front & center, and in the right side of your Forever 21 romper. Who wears short shorts? Your meow-meow does!!

LIP SERV CAT2. Cat Got Your Tongue? What’s worse than a bad blow job? A boring blowjob. Don’t make him leave you over a humdrum hummer. Show man’s best friend that you can play ruff too, by getting creative with sandpapurrr. Simply roll a piece in your mouth to mimic the texture of a cat’s tongue… Meow you got the idea!

3. CAT Scan.  It’s a cat-eat-cat world out there. Always remember: every woman around you is just waiting to claw you in the back!  Stay alert by looking over your competition as you enter a room, hizing (hissing with your eyes) at the cat competition that you admire or could learn from the most.  And remember: Keep your ‘crylics sharp, kitties! It’s scratching season 😉

4. Keyboard Cat. Got a workaholic on your puss? Here’s where your Kegels come into play: Next time he’s trying to respond to an “important” e-mail, gingerly pull yourself atop his desk and crawl across his lap.  Gaze into his eyes and put your puss in prime position to seductively spell out something sexy on his keyboard.  Say “love” with your eyes and “lust” with your labes.  Throw in some purring sounds and it’s sure to give his pooch nine lives.

lip service sexy cat-015. Feral Cat. Show him that you’re not some tame tabby with some primitive puma power plays. Unleash your inner wild cat and paw at his penis till it’s pawsitively red. Meow you’re ready to take it to the next level: bite the back of his neck unexpectedly during foreplay and screech. Get ready for a stream of catastrophic cream! Lick lick, kitty want milk 😉

6. Schrodinger’s Cat. Lock yourself into a steel chamber for some much needed R&R and an even more needed at-home hydrocyanic acid treatment. Is your body at rest or at work getting beautiful? Nobody knows. And remember: Don’t forget your hammer! 😉 😉 😉

7. Cat’s Cradle. Is your canine crush losing interest? Keep him from barking up the wrong tree by maintaining your flirty feline figure, even while catnapping. Burn more calories while you sleep by negotiating yourself onto a windowsill or in a routinely used walkway. Not burning off that cat snack fast enough? Try napping in oncoming traffic!

8. Domestic Cat. Fulfill every man’s fantasy by never leaving the house and spending all of your time in his lap. He’ll know what to do.

9. The Very Best of Cat Stevens. Did you know that cat caca contains ammonia and living parasites? It’s called toxoplasmosis and it’ll bust up, tear through, and eat away at even the most stubborn of pore-clogging bacteria. So, face down in some gently used kitty litter for an uplifting feline fecal facial.

10. Cat Food. Here’s a game that’s fun for him and fit for you.  Trim your tush with training by letting your pooch pal reward you when you’re being good with kitty cat snacks, your only source of food.  Every time you make his dog bark, he’ll make your stomach meow… for more food!

11. Stray Cat Strut. Not getting much play? Nothing sends the message that you’re on the prowl more than vulnerability. Try walking a block around your apartment with a sad, lost, frightened look on your face. You’ll be shocked by the sheer amount of catcallers that’ll chase you down! And, after, you’ll have your choice of who’s going to help you find your way home, thanks to this little game of cat and mouse 😉

12. Cat’s Whiskers. Not ready to commit to a Brazilian? Obviously, no girl wants to look like Gloria Steinem down there, but sometimes we’re just not ready to shave our whole cat clean. Luckily, there IS a happy medium for all you wax-shy Lip Servers out there! Pussify your puss by plucking out all but 4 pubic hairs from each side of your labia majora to resemble cat whiskers.  It’s cute, it’s functional, and most importantly, it’s hot.

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Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

Creative Director/Author/Fashionista
Christien Mozzarti

“La Mer face cream got me where I am today.” Christien Mozzarti, an industry authority,  first began his career in the fashion business in the early 1990s. Over the last decade, he’s proven himself time and time again as a fabulous expert in women’s clothing, fashion, and style.  After meeting his wife, Samantha Miranda, he began to understand their minds, as well. It was at this time he started writing a column on vaginal health and maintenance for Lip Service, causing a rise in the sale of douches, douche bags, and douche nozzles. To honor Mozzarti’s douching efforts, the American Council of Gynecology awarded him with a top spot on the List of Worst Enemies to Vaginas Worldwide. The subsequent controversy only propelled Mozzarti’s career further. Outside of helping to advance women’s style rights, he collects antique Cher memorabilia and kitsch gay pornography.

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Be All That You Can Pee: Beauty Tips and Tricks You Can Make in Your Own Home!

1 Nov urine face cleansing treatment for lip service

What if we told you that the answer to nature’s call (for women to look better) was in the call of nature all along? Well, urine luck! Because pee is having a major moment. That’s right, you’re just a bathroom break away from becoming a better you, inside and out. Here’s our list of the best and brightest at-home urinal treatments:

Number One. Ready to relieve yourself of your hideous, repugnant, disgusting weight and become a societal winner? Of course you are!!  Lose the Listerine and trade it in for some top-notch tinkle to become a thinner, prettier, more valuable woman. Just gargle with your pisspee before every meal to suppress your appetite and naturally stave off hunger pangs.

Urine Face Cleanser for Beauty-012. Fountain of Youth. Dull, aging skin? Sprinkle your tinkle in a large tight-seal Tupperware container. After letting it sit under direct sunlight for 6 days (leave out longer for more noticeable results), dunk your face directly into your peelightful home-made astringent, holding your breath for as long as possible. Make sure that your entire face is submerged in oui oui to get the most out of this youthanizing treatment!

3. Wizz Whiz. Ever wonder where the expression “powder my nose” came from? Us too! But next time you take a trip to the toilet, run to the restroom, prance to the potty, bounce to the baño, or leap to the loo, remember that urine acts as a natural mattifyer, absorbing unsightly oil as it dries on your skin. So, think twice before clogging your pores with cakey, chalky powder and, instead, reach within reach of your rear for some Grade A fountain dew. 

drink your own pee diet lip service 14. Tea Pee. Feeling sluggish? When you feel tired, it shows and a wee bit more wee in your diet could make all the difference. An all-natural Arnold Palmer made with nature’s lemonade might be just what you need to beat that 3pm fatigue. Just mix one part #1 with one part organic fennel spiced amphetamine salts and you’re off!

5. Golden Shower. The easiest way to fit in your daily urine requirement is to have someone else do it for you! Allow yourself to be a little selfish today by asking your boyfriend to hose you down after sex with a revitalizing rinse of pure pee gold, à la R.Kelly. Leave the treatment in while you run errands. Everyone will be asking what you’re doing differently 😉

6. Whittle your Middle with Piddle. Urine could possibly have a chemical that scientists haven’t discovered yet that perhaps might, potentially, reduce pesky abdominal fat, maybe. Only time will tell! But in the meantime, why risk it? Slather your stomach with sprinkle for a potentially, imaginably tighter tummy.

7. Gladder Bladder. Occasionally, beauty comes from within. Not in the juice cleansing way, but in the ecological way. Being environmentally conscious makes you look more appealing to others and is extremely on trend right now. Remind people of what a good person you are by becoming an activist. Give your pee to the homeless in little Styrofoam cups. Fill your SUV with canisters of pee to drop off at the Salvation Army. Send your pee to Africa. (Lip Tip! Buy bottled water in bulk, empty the contents, and fill them with your weezy to ensure you won’t waste a precious drip during transportation overseas.) Every little bit counts. And remember, waste is only waste if you waste it 😉

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

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5 Quick Steps to a Younger Looking Vagina

29 May
Medical Illustration by Christien Mozzarti

Medical Illustration by Christien Mozzarti

We all want it: that smooth, pink Peek-A-Boo of our youth. But, as we hit our early 20’s, many of us begin to notice our vaginas just aren’t as luminous as back in ourglory (hole) days. We sat down with celebrity astrologist, Becky Bradshaw, and got her to dish on the top 5 tips for getting our Tinkerbelles tight and right, without going under the knife:

  1. Tucky Your Yuckies. Tucking isn’t just for drag queens and lady boys! Use 1/4″ thick pieces of flesh-colored duct tape to gently fold your labia under.
  2. Pouty Pubis. Inject saline into your pubis to give it a more youthful appearance. It’s the one place where being fat is a good thing!
  3. Like a Virgin! Retouch your hymen for the very first time with a quick visit to your local hardware store [Lip Tip: Bring a guy friend so you don’t get lost]. With just a few basic items you’ll be on your way to having that precious piece of skin back.
  4. So Long, Anal! Your trip to Home Depot isn’t over yet, ladies!  PVC tubes are a great way to get the sexy fit you and your boyfriend have always wanted. Just cut one to the exact length of your vaginal walls and insert it until the tube presses against your cervix. Voilà: petite and perfect!
  5. Make Up with Your VaGina Davis. Bronzer and highlighter can contour a lot more than cheekbones. This stuff works wonders for creating the illusion of a more toned Tom-Tom. You never leave the house without makeup, so why not take the time to show your Peekini some Lancôme love, too!

Although these tricks will go a long way to youthinize your YooHoo, in severe cases or over the age of 30, Becky recommends scouting out a good plastic surgeon that specializes in vaginal reconstruction.

 

Creative Director/Author/Fashionista
Christien Mozzarti

“La Mer face cream got me where I am today.” Christien Mozzarti, an industry authority,  first began his career in the fashion business in the early 1990s. Over the last decade, he’s proven himself time and time again as a fabulous expert in women’s clothing, fashion, and style.  After meeting his wife, Samantha Miranda, he began to understand their minds, as well. It was at this time he started writing a column on vaginal health and maintenance for Lip Service, causing a rise in the sale of douches, douche bags, and douche nozzles. To honor Mozzarti’s douching efforts, the American Council of Gynecology awarded him with a top spot on the List of Worst Enemies to Vaginas Worldwide. The subsequent controversy only propelled Mozzarti’s career further. Outside of helping to advance women’s style rights, he collects antique Cher memorabilia and kitsch gay pornography.

 

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

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9 Skenny Betch Tips to Looking Fab (For Him)

29 Mar Weight Loss Tips

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  1. Watch Holocaust footage while you eat. Seeing Jews die is super depressing and will work as a natural appetite suppressant. Plus, the victims’ lean bodies will inspire you to get in the best shape of your life.
  2. Smear feces on your fridge handle to deter you from opening it. ‘Nuff said!
  3. Inject vitamin C into your gums, making it too painful to eat. This treatment is jam packed with antioxidants and is great for getting rid of unwanted belly flab.
  4. Spooky Booty Boot Camp! Switch it up and start running late at night in scary places and dangerous situations. Be true to yourself and pick a spot that’s a REAL threat to your well being (Lip Pick: Frat Row!). You’ll run faster, the adrenaline will help you burn more calories, and, most importantly, you’ll get that tushy tight fast.
  5. Wormies for dinner. Go to your local pet shop and pick up some mealworms (Avoid: wax worms & silk worms, which are high in fat). Sprinkle them over anything you want to nosh on. It’s a great way to see if you’re really hungry or if your just bored. And you’ll eat way less when you taste those creepy crawlies in your kale wrap!
  6. Just eat the skin!
  7. Get a tattoo to keep you on track. We recommend: “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels”, “You’re fat and unlovable”, or “Your worth is what you weigh.” Keep it catchy!
  8. Eat like a bird…LITERALLY! Eat nothing but seeds and nuts for a month. Or just stop eating all together! You’re sure to get fit fast.
  9. Rockin’ Bod! A great alternative to getting a colonic is the Gravel Diet. Start your day off right with 1/4 cup gravel in your oatmeal or Greek yogurt (keep it under 200 calories, ladies!) the gravel will scrape your intestinal wall and colon, cleaning out that last cheat day. (Thought we wouldn’t notice, didn’t you!)

Want more from Lip Service? Follow us on Twitter 😉

 

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

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