Archive | March, 2014

11 Beauty Mistakes You’re Probably Making

31 Mar
  1. Not wearing makeup. Here at Lip Service, we think it should be illegal.
  2. Doing Your Own Nails. Never try to perform a manicure or pedicure on yourself. Even if you have the technical skills to give yourself a set of fab fingers, don’t! It makes you look below your class and pathetic. There are certain…types…of people whose livelihoods depend on scraping your calluses.
  3. Not exploring facial tattoos. 
  4. Forgetting to tape your skin back. There’s no excuse for looking old! Especially when one can use dental floss and masking tape to yank the skin from the temples back, giving the illusion of a hot n taut, youthful face.
  5. Tuning Out Your Ta-Tas. A lot of you gals haven’t even heard of breast slapping outside of the bedroom. But breast slapping is a real treatment that can make your moomelons swell a full cup size!
  6. Using the wrong exfoliant. We’re shocked at the number of woeful women who think apricot scrub is actually going to rid them of their disgusting, microscopic pieces of dead flesh. Acetone vapor baths, steel wool and Tetrahydrofuran all meet the proper abrasion requirements. Anything less isn’t going to give you the newborn infant skin that you crave!
  7. Not carving out enough “you time” in a day. Many women make the stupid assumption that they only need an hour or two to get ready in the morning. Rome wasn’t built with a quick shower and light dusting of bronzer, and neither should you be. You have a long day ahead of you, so your morning beauty routine ought to reflect that.  How long are you planning on being seen in public today? That’s the amount of time it should take you to get ready.
  8. Not finding the right hydration balance. Hydrated skin is great, but a hydrated body can cause bloating and overall hideousness. That’s why we recommend taking water pills every few hours. It will help you naturally expel any moisture that your body might be desperately retaining to function properly and keep your face looking gaunt and gorg. To keePapaya_Beauty_Tips-01p your skin from cracking and becoming severely discolored, we recommend slathering on coconut oil!
  9. Wasting your waste. A facial of 2 tbsp. urine and 1/3 cup feces can give you results almost as effective as a traditional mask made with honey. Add in some semen for your boyfriend’s pleasure 😉
  10. Having any form of body hair.  Many of you make the mistake of thinking that body hair on women is natural.  If that were true, then why do we have the instinct to shave it? We’re smooth and sexy and men are rugged and hairy. So, embrace Mother Nature and liberate yourself from every pesky hair below the eyebrows.
  11. Thin, old lady lips. With all the different lip plumping methods out there these days, no one should have anything but a perfect pout. For those who want to avoid going under the knife, try this simple at-home treatment: repeatedly stab the entire surface of your lips with a needle. Immediately after, vigorously rub a combination habanero chili and cayenne pepper paste (recipe here) on your kisser. Ooh la la!

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

Creative Director/Author/Fashionista
Christien Mozzarti

“La Mer face cream got me where I am today.” Christien Mozzarti, an industry authority,  first began his career in the fashion business in the early 1990s. Over the last decade, he’s proven himself time and time again as a fabulous expert in women’s clothing, fashion, and style.  After meeting his wife, Samantha Miranda, he began to understand their minds, as well. It was at this time he started writing a column on vaginal health and maintenance for Lip Service, causing a rise in the sale of douches, douche bags, and douche nozzles. To honor Mozzarti’s douching efforts, the American Council of Gynecology awarded him with a top spot on the List of Worst Enemies to Vaginas Worldwide. The subsequent controversy only propelled Mozzarti’s career further. Outside of helping to advance women’s style rights, he collects antique Cher memorabilia and kitsch gay pornography.

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5 tips to get him from “I don’t know” to “I DO”!!

30 Mar

Every girl wants a perfect husband, but we all know how men feel about commitment!  It’s not his fault; it’s all that crazy testosterone that makes him want variety and dread a relationship.  Fear not, future brides!  You can get around his commitment-phobic nature with these 5 tips to change that hottie you have your eye on from sex partner to life partner!

  1. Crouching Bootycall, Hidden Wife! Offer him no strings attached sex, then insert yourself into his life over time!  Every time you meet up with your honey for a 1am humpfest, simply leave a hairbrush or a hair tie in his bathroom.  Gradually start spending more nights over and leaving more and more of your things at his house. Then, come over one weekend and never leave.   He’ll have no choice but to make YOU temily-kris-hspl-01he lady of the house!
  2. Knocked Up. Get pregnant!  This one’s a no brainer ladies…stop taking your birth control. Every boy likes it bareback!!  If he balks, then just poke holes in his condoms.  If that proves too difficult, try this instead: one night after you two have done the deed, slip into the bathroom and insert the contents of the discarded condom in your dildo hotel.  When he hears that little commitment-maker call him “Daddy”, he’ll want to call YOU his wife!!
  3. Look Who’s (not) Talking Now!!  Whenever you meet up, let HIM do all the talking!  Believe me, he’ll find this to be a breath of fresh air!  Let him guide the conversations in all of your dates and interactions.  Read up on things he likes, and always COMPLIMENT COMPLIMENT COMPLIMENT.  Convince him he can do no wrong, and before you know it you’ll be HIS Mrs. Right!!
  4. Crash. Make him need you! Invite him out for a Sunday afternoon drive (Or a Friday night 1am drive).  Then, simply crash your car and get ready to let Florence Nightingale be your muse!  Nurse your guy back to health from his car “accident” related injuries, and he’ll see what a great caretaker you are!  That will clear the path for him to make you the caretaker of his heart!  Just wait for him to pop the question…and the best part is, he’ll never question why you crashed in the first place…women drivers, right? 😉
  5. Backdraft (EXPERTS ONLY) Unleash the hero in your man!  Burn your house down (Make sure to get your shoes out first though, those Louboutins won’t replace themselves).  What guy can resist a damsel in distress?  After he consoles you and offers you a place to crash, just relax, make yourself at home, and wait for your white night to give you that ring, girl!

 

Author
Candy DeMarchett

 “Beauty outside IS beauty inside.”  As former statewide child beauty pageant champion, Candy DeMarschett has been steeped in the world of fashion for basically her entire life. After exhausting the pageant circuit in Tennessee by her late teens, Candy headed west to fulfill her dreams of becoming a writer and a make up artist. After attending Barbazon of Hollywood, Candy then graduated with her Master’s in Literature from CSU Dominguez Hills. In addition to becoming the go to makeup artist for many celebrities of note, including Jenny McCarthy and Janice Dickenson, Candy is the founder and former Chief Editor of Pageant Pretty Magazine, which until recently was the 3rd most popular publication in Georgia. These days, Candy is a devoted stay at home mom with a successful line of child sized press on nails, “KiddieCryllics” which took the nation by storm when they were featured in a segment on the Ricki Lake show. Her greatest hope is that her two children, Sprinkles SaraBella, age 3, and Preston Alistair, age 1, will follow in her glamorous footsteps and one day know the joys of being the prettiest girl in the state.

 

What You’re Doing Wrong

29 Mar

Guys reveal the secret turn-offs and pet peeves guaranteed to drive them away.

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“I hate it when girls have pockets. Not to be a dick or anything, but it makes their hips look fat. Besides, isn’t that what purses are for?”
– Craig Anderson, 27

 

 

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“Turn offs? Hairy pits, hairy legs, hairy pussy.”
– Ben Nagel, 32

 

 

 

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”Honestly, being a bitch. I’m so tired of women thinking they’re hot shit just because I’ve asked them out. Christ, you should be thankful that I’m even talking to you when you’re, at best, a 6.”
-Bryce Casabean , 29

 

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“When a girl thinks she’s smarter than me.”
– Jon Massey, 26

 

 

 

“I don’t wanna come off as an asshole or anything, but I’m tired of listening to chicks bitch about the ‘gender wage gap’. I’m paying for your dinner, doesn’t that make us even?”
– Bradley Stockton, 25

 

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“Ok, so I’m gonna keep it real here, ladies…STOP WEARING FLATS. It always looks manly. High heels are so sexy.”
– Adam Liu, 32

 

 

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“When they’re too slutty or not slutty enough.”
-Flynn Doyle, 28

 

 

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“Women in leadership roles.”
– Brian Weimar, 26

 

 

 

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“I find myself most disgusted when I discover that it can’t take direction.”
-Geoffrey Drench, 30

9 Skenny Betch Tips to Looking Fab (For Him)

29 Mar Weight Loss Tips

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  1. Watch Holocaust footage while you eat. Seeing Jews die is super depressing and will work as a natural appetite suppressant. Plus, the victims’ lean bodies will inspire you to get in the best shape of your life.
  2. Smear feces on your fridge handle to deter you from opening it. ‘Nuff said!
  3. Inject vitamin C into your gums, making it too painful to eat. This treatment is jam packed with antioxidants and is great for getting rid of unwanted belly flab.
  4. Spooky Booty Boot Camp! Switch it up and start running late at night in scary places and dangerous situations. Be true to yourself and pick a spot that’s a REAL threat to your well being (Lip Pick: Frat Row!). You’ll run faster, the adrenaline will help you burn more calories, and, most importantly, you’ll get that tushy tight fast.
  5. Wormies for dinner. Go to your local pet shop and pick up some mealworms (Avoid: wax worms & silk worms, which are high in fat). Sprinkle them over anything you want to nosh on. It’s a great way to see if you’re really hungry or if your just bored. And you’ll eat way less when you taste those creepy crawlies in your kale wrap!
  6. Just eat the skin!
  7. Get a tattoo to keep you on track. We recommend: “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels”, “You’re fat and unlovable”, or “Your worth is what you weigh.” Keep it catchy!
  8. Eat like a birdLITERALLY! Eat nothing but seeds and nuts for a month. Or just stop eating all together! You’re sure to get fit fast.
  9. Rockin’ Bod! A great alternative to getting a colonic is the Gravel Diet. Start your day off right with 1/4 cup gravel in your oatmeal or Greek yogurt (keep it under 200 calories, ladies!) the gravel will scrape your intestinal wall and colon, cleaning out that last cheat day. (Thought we wouldn’t notice, didn’t you!)

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Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.