If Celebrities have taught us anything, it’s that’s bouncing to your passable pre-preggy weight is easy peasy! Just cut back on the peas, piggy! But some mangy mama’s just can’t get their acts together. Listen up, Lip Servers: Maternity Leave gives you the downtime to drop the dumpy look and focus on what’s most important to you: Getting your body back!
1. Baby Mama. If you’ve read our guide “Baby-in-Waiting: From Cradle to Fave” you already know the only thing cuter than looking like a baby is weighing like a baby. Learn a lesson from your newly-spawned thinspiration by eating what it eats! A strict diet of formula fasting will give you the nutrients you need and spitting up will ensure you ditch the calories before he ditches you.
2. Y Tu Mama Tambien. Entice new-mom jealousy in all of your friends with social media updates about the must-have fashion accessory you just birthed. Then, when they get knocked up, their looks get knocked down, and you’re a knock out by comparison! 😉
3. Mama Said Knock You Out. As a new mother, you’re blessed with an incredible miracle! You’ve been granted 2-3 months of unpaid maternity leave to devote to losing the fug n’ flab. Kickstart your weight loss with a hefty Ambien ‘script. If used correctly (every 2-4 hrs), you’ll spend the next eight weeks in a dreamy dieting haze, floating through the halls of your home, with your weight-training newborn in tow.
4. Mama Mia! Everyone knows Italians love their mothers. Bag your own Rocky-Rambo Italian Stallion with a sultry look straight from the pages of Italian Vogue! Break out your finest Virgin Mary garb and hit the local pizzerias! Mamma mia, you’re shaped like one spicy meatball!
5. Mama’s Boy. If the baby took after you, there’s a good chance he’s in need of a makeover! Cosmetics aren’t safe for children under two, so the best you’ll be able to do is accessorize him with a leather facemask and body suit studded in Swarovski crystals. Get a handle on him with an actual handle that makes your baby easy to carry on the go. Just don’t lose your keys in there!
6. Mommy Beer-est. Now’s the best time to procreate an image sexier than the one that got you into this portly position! Show ‘em that you’ve still got it by leaving the baby buzzkill at home and frequenting the local high school keggar scene in your most attention-grabbing bodycon from freshman year. Drink up and spin the bottle like you’re seventeen again! Just because you’re a new mama doesn’t mean you have to act like one!
7. Child Protective Services Can’t find a babysitter when you need to hit the gym? Give the Nanny State a call and they’ll watch your baby until you lose the flab and are fit for parenthood.
Every girl wants a perfect husband, but we all know how men feel about commitment! It’s not his fault; it’s all that crazy testosterone that makes him want variety and dread a relationship. Fear not, future brides! You can get around his commitment-phobic nature with these 5 tips to change that hottie you have your eye on from sex partner to life partner!
- Crouching Bootycall, Hidden Wife! Offer him no strings attached sex, then insert yourself into his life over time! Every time you meet up with your honey for a 1am humpfest, simply leave a hairbrush or a hair tie in his bathroom. Gradually start spending more nights over and leaving more and more of your things at his house. Then, come over one weekend and never leave. He’ll have no choice but to make YOU the lady of the house!
- Knocked Up. Get pregnant! This one’s a no brainer ladies…stop taking your birth control. Every boy likes it bareback!! If he balks, then just poke holes in his condoms. If that proves too difficult, try this instead: one night after you two have done the deed, slip into the bathroom and insert the contents of the discarded condom in your dildo hotel. When he hears that little commitment-maker call him “Daddy”, he’ll want to call YOU his wife!!
- Look Who’s (not) Talking Now!! Whenever you meet up, let HIM do all the talking! Believe me, he’ll find this to be a breath of fresh air! Let him guide the conversations in all of your dates and interactions. Read up on things he likes, and always COMPLIMENT COMPLIMENT COMPLIMENT. Convince him he can do no wrong, and before you know it you’ll be HIS Mrs. Right!!
- Crash. Make him need you! Invite him out for a Sunday afternoon drive (Or a Friday night 1am drive). Then, simply crash your car and get ready to let Florence Nightingale be your muse! Nurse your guy back to health from his car “accident” related injuries, and he’ll see what a great caretaker you are! That will clear the path for him to make you the caretaker of his heart! Just wait for him to pop the question…and the best part is, he’ll never question why you crashed in the first place…women drivers, right? 😉
- Backdraft (EXPERTS ONLY) Unleash the hero in your man! Burn your house down (Make sure to get your shoes out first though, those Louboutins won’t replace themselves). What guy can resist a damsel in distress? After he consoles you and offers you a place to crash, just relax, make yourself at home, and wait for your white night to give you that ring, girl!
“Beauty outside IS beauty inside.” As former statewide child beauty pageant champion, Candy DeMarschett has been steeped in the world of fashion for basically her entire life. After exhausting the pageant circuit in Tennessee by her late teens, Candy headed west to fulfill her dreams of becoming a writer and a make up artist. After attending Barbazon of Hollywood, Candy then graduated with her Master’s in Literature from CSU Dominguez Hills. In addition to becoming the go to makeup artist for many celebrities of note, including Jenny McCarthy and Janice Dickenson, Candy is the founder and former Chief Editor of Pageant Pretty Magazine, which until recently was the 3rd most popular publication in Georgia. These days, Candy is a devoted stay at home mom with a successful line of child sized press on nails, “KiddieCryllics” which took the nation by storm when they were featured in a segment on the Ricki Lake show. Her greatest hope is that her two children, Sprinkles SaraBella, age 3, and Preston Alistair, age 1, will follow in her glamorous footsteps and one day know the joys of being the prettiest girl in the state.