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How to Vote for Him in Style!

23 Jul

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Electoral Debut. This is your big chance to get discovered! Treat it like any other Hollywood premiere and come in your very best. Just don’t make the mistake of going in the voting booth, then no one will see you!

Bill of Rights. Find the Anthony Weiner of your district. Once he shows you his, you can show him your… bills! Blackmail him into paying, or the peener goes public!

Rock the Tote. This primary, vote for Donald in style! Carry all of your boyfriend/father/brother’s suggestions in a fab birkin bag, so you won’t forget this time 😉

sarah palin bikiniBalance of Power Suit.  If election season has taught us anything, it’s that bossy is bitchy! The last thing any man wants to wake up to is a naggy haggy Hilary. Soften your appearance with Palin-approved pearls and a pouty pink lip!  And, remember, no one likes a bupkis Bernie!

Absentee Vote. The best way to send the message that you’re too good for voting is by not voting at all! Use the time you got off work to cast your ballot to get a fab mani/pedi instead. You’d be doing your country a disservice if you DIDN’T; those cuticles are out of control, fugglefists! 

Bill of Tight Tushie. Want his vote of approval? Then tighten your tushie, tubby! Try our Skenny Betch Tips to Looking Fab (For Him)

Opinion Polling. When a line starts forming on voting day, now’s your chance to get as many opinions as possible on an outfit (or a boyfriend) that you’re not sure about. They’ll be grateful to you for making their lives more interesting.  

To Catch a Senator. Polling results are in. The conclusion? Politicians are perverts! Catch your own with a lusty look straight from the dominatrix den that’ll whip him straight into the hearts of the American people!

Legal Voting Age. By voting, you admit you’re old enough to be someone’s mother. Pathetic!

Civic Booty.  Politicians are positively powerful…and you’re just an itty witty citizen. Serve him so he can serve the people. Ooh, happy birthday, Mr. Pwesident. 

Pres-i-duh!  Above all else, always remember your #1 duty as a patriot: Don’t be a downer, ladies! 😉 

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DSM Diva: 15 Lip Tips that’ll Have You Committed!

8 Apr dsn diva header

If Girl, Interrupted taught us anything, it’s that crazy girls are crazy hot! Want men to romanticize you with roses and the “crazy chicks are the best in bed” label? Then follow along with these Lip Tips, sure to make you the star of the psych ward!

1. Bi-Polar. Nothing says “I’m single” like an attention grabbing makeout sesh with another lady!!! Next time you lock eyes with him, quickly lock lips with her, so he knows you’re interested!

2. Little Miss Munchausen/Munchausen Sweetie Syndrome. Pretend to be mentally disturbed to keep your keeper! Obvs!

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3. Manic-Impression. Make the first impression count with a daintily disrupted display that says “damaged and DTF”: Smeared eyeliner, blistered lips, bruised forearms, unkempt hair, and a shivering hot bod!

4. Attention Deficit Diva.  Say so long to that deficit! Multitask in style, but more importantly, obtain a ‘script for your special needs… to lose weight and gain attention! 😉 😉 😉

crazy.girl lip service mag5. Faux-bia. Need the spotlight on the spot? Next time you’re going ignored in a group, try this quick fix: Screech loudly and point at something in your vicinity, like a blemish on your friend’s face. Apologize for making such a scene and proceed to open up about your trauma for as long as you can stretch it. Add tears and a trembling, glossy lip to complete your ensem’!

6. Dissociative Me, Myself, and Identity Disorder. Don’t rely on the same Plain Jane identity as yesterday. She’s inherently bad and does bad things, after all. You should forget her. Her who? That’s the spirit!  Switch things up until you’re someone that he finds attractive!

7. Klepto-man-iac. Can’t find a man of your own? That’s what your friends’ are for!

8. Anorexia Mimosa. There’s a scientific reason you feel so good getting drinks with the girls, and it’s not because of those hags you hang out with! Alcohol gives you a radiant flush and its diuretic properties battle the bloat and you, obviously, can’t eat with a vodka redbull in your mouth! Plus, it makes barhopping with your band of backstabbing basic bitches more bearable. We’ll drink to that!

9. De-men-tia. Holding out for someone who will love you at any size? Forget it: You’re not gonna get married before your 21st birthday with that attitude! Just go with the last guy. That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

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10. Obsessively Compulsively Dissuasive Disorder. As our readers know, the easiest way to build confidence and love the skin you’re in is through the act of repeatedly, incessantly, and constantly inhibiting others! Next time your gal pal looks hot, advise her to change and maybe stay in for the night. Follow up with a text later, reminding her why she needs to cover up. And an email in the morning, to be on the safe side. Stay on top of her and be persistent. But, remember, don’t push too hard or you could have an Agore-a-cutie on your hands!

11. Agore-a-cutie! Don’t let a needy job, family, or social obligations get in the way of what’s really important to you! Avoid judgement and pore-clogging germs, and ensure you always look your best by reserving enough time at home to perform a half-a-day beauty regime. Look to Lip Service or GOOP to find a plan that works for you! We recommend our Fast-mask-wash-purge-exfoliate-sprint-clean-extract-moisturize-repeat Cleanse!

crazy sexy girl lip service 12. Schizooohh. Nothing sets the mood like being watched. And, lucky for you, you’re always being watched! But, sometimes, the best way to turn him, and Them, on comes from within! Listen to that little voice inside you for guidance next time he’s inside you. But which he?!

13. Manic Monday. Mondays are the worst… the last thing the office needs is you showing up looking bloated! Begin your day with a diet plan that’ll jump start the rest of your week’s weight loss: Take a break from food and focus on something more productive, like shopping!  Shop, shop, shop…shop until you drop! More, more, more… so you never feel bored!! Buy, buy, buy… you’re a secret spy!!! Spy, spy, spy… because only you can fly!!! No one can stop you, not until you’re blue. No one can stop you because YOU’RE GOD.

14. Borderline Purse-onality Disorder. Psycho-ordinate your purses with your mood! Or at least the mood you want people to think you’re in… or the mood you’re in when you trick people into thinking that’s the mood you want people to think you’re in! Oops, was that on purpose???!!!??

15. Delusionaughty. Don’t dress for the man you have, dress for the man you want. Be the man you want. A naughty man… for your man. Policeman, Fireman, Superman, Salesman, Astronaut Man, Doctor Man, Pilot Man, Presi-don’t go there girlfriend, he’s taken… by you! You’re under arrest – for naughty.

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

Becoming an Erotic Explorer: A Treasure Map to Your Pleasure Zones

19 Feb looking for love

Did you know your body is covered with pleasure enhancing zones that scientist call er-og-e-nous? Next time you have to get in the mood for him, try spending some time alone first, getting to know your hair-free, hot n’ heavy hotspots up close n’ personal.  Do you like it in or out? What’s your favorite color to think of during sex? To help you answer these questions, Lip Service Magazine has listed all of the percolating places to push your pleasure from getting you wet to wetting your sheets.

lip server explorer-01I’ll G Right There: Can’t find your G-spot? Take your digit and really get in there. See, told you!

Geisha Gone Wild:  Hey, busy babes: remember to wasabi on wasabi off your edamame… it’s actually good for it! And what’s good for it is good for him. You love you long time!

Tits for Toots: Feisty Flatsies all the way to Double D Divas should know the importance of their tittertots. Just beneath your ninis are trillions of nerve endings and muscles; so, calfettes, always remember to twerk them while you work them! You’ll be udderly surprised 😉

Cheeky Chola: Next Tantric Tango, tackle your tom-tom like a true ‘tina. Pour hot sauce just below your enojita. !Hot tamale!

Insider Trading: Hype your hipbone hopscotch with this hypnotic hanky-panky hold: gently turn your commodity back and forth, until you can actually feel it.

One Load at a Time: Get just out of the cleaners hot by tweeing your squee with faaaaaaaaaaabric softener…

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BBQueef:  Barbeque the meat in your smoke pit thrice over n’ down under until tender and smokin’ hot. 5 alarm chili anyone? No thanks, we’re on a diet.

Crafty Beaver: Tantrum your trinket with this steamy straightforward snuffy sexxx secret: Start with a pen, 2 rubber bands and a 4” piece of yarn and end with pure pink pleasure.

Supreme Cooter Courting: Attempt to influence your own official “decisions” 😉 by lobbying YOURSELF with the free flirty fundamentals in freaking. Read all about it!

Lunch Meat: Eeniemeenieminey YOUR mo with this meathole in one: eradicate your delicately delicate delicatessen. Repeat. That’s one spicy meatball!!

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Sticky Buns: Bake your bonbon with prolonged dry heat by convection! To keep things hot, you’ll need something that starts with an “a”, rhymes with “lobotomy”, and ends in “w”. Certifiably sexy!!!

Knock, Knock. Who’s there? You. “You” who? Yoohoo, ladies! Now you get the idea!

Sexy Can I: with nothing or all, all at once, and nothing at all. It’s all the same. Wherever will you go now? You’re already there.

Cum & Ride the Train: A passenger train’s speed is 60 mph and a freight train’s speed is 40 mph. The passenger train travels the same distance in 1.5 h less time than the freight train. How long does each train take to make the ….”trip”? 😉 😉 😉

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Pleasure Meat Log: β = 10 log      = 20 log

I0                 P0HHHHH….

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The Cat’s Meow: Tips & Tricks from Our Feline Friends

11 Nov katty catty purry pur put

1. Let the Cat out of the Bag. What says “I’m single” more than a prominent display of your meowmix? Nothing! Let out your inner pussy and entice his big dog by wearing hot pants so short your labia majora is front & center, and in the right side of your Forever 21 romper. Who wears short shorts? Your meow-meow does!!

LIP SERV CAT2. Cat Got Your Tongue? What’s worse than a bad blow job? A boring blowjob. Don’t make him leave you over a humdrum hummer. Show man’s best friend that you can play ruff too, by getting creative with sandpapurrr. Simply roll a piece in your mouth to mimic the texture of a cat’s tongue… Meow you got the idea!

3. CAT Scan.  It’s a cat-eat-cat world out there. Always remember: every woman around you is just waiting to claw you in the back!  Stay alert by looking over your competition as you enter a room, hizing (hissing with your eyes) at the cat competition that you admire or could learn from the most.  And remember: Keep your ‘crylics sharp, kitties! It’s scratching season 😉

4. Keyboard Cat. Got a workaholic on your puss? Here’s where your Kegels come into play: Next time he’s trying to respond to an “important” e-mail, gingerly pull yourself atop his desk and crawl across his lap.  Gaze into his eyes and put your puss in prime position to seductively spell out something sexy on his keyboard.  Say “love” with your eyes and “lust” with your labes.  Throw in some purring sounds and it’s sure to give his pooch nine lives.

lip service sexy cat-015. Feral Cat. Show him that you’re not some tame tabby with some primitive puma power plays. Unleash your inner wild cat and paw at his penis till it’s pawsitively red. Meow you’re ready to take it to the next level: bite the back of his neck unexpectedly during foreplay and screech. Get ready for a stream of catastrophic cream! Lick lick, kitty want milk 😉

6. Schrodinger’s Cat. Lock yourself into a steel chamber for some much needed R&R and an even more needed at-home hydrocyanic acid treatment. Is your body at rest or at work getting beautiful? Nobody knows. And remember: Don’t forget your hammer! 😉 😉 😉

7. Cat’s Cradle. Is your canine crush losing interest? Keep him from barking up the wrong tree by maintaining your flirty feline figure, even while catnapping. Burn more calories while you sleep by negotiating yourself onto a windowsill or in a routinely used walkway. Not burning off that cat snack fast enough? Try napping in oncoming traffic!

8. Domestic Cat. Fulfill every man’s fantasy by never leaving the house and spending all of your time in his lap. He’ll know what to do.

9. The Very Best of Cat Stevens. Did you know that cat caca contains ammonia and living parasites? It’s called toxoplasmosis and it’ll bust up, tear through, and eat away at even the most stubborn of pore-clogging bacteria. So, face down in some gently used kitty litter for an uplifting feline fecal facial.

10. Cat Food. Here’s a game that’s fun for him and fit for you.  Trim your tush with training by letting your pooch pal reward you when you’re being good with kitty cat snacks, your only source of food.  Every time you make his dog bark, he’ll make your stomach meow… for more food!

11. Stray Cat Strut. Not getting much play? Nothing sends the message that you’re on the prowl more than vulnerability. Try walking a block around your apartment with a sad, lost, frightened look on your face. You’ll be shocked by the sheer amount of catcallers that’ll chase you down! And, after, you’ll have your choice of who’s going to help you find your way home, thanks to this little game of cat and mouse 😉

12. Cat’s Whiskers. Not ready to commit to a Brazilian? Obviously, no girl wants to look like Gloria Steinem down there, but sometimes we’re just not ready to shave our whole cat clean. Luckily, there IS a happy medium for all you wax-shy Lip Servers out there! Pussify your puss by plucking out all but 4 pubic hairs from each side of your labia majora to resemble cat whiskers.  It’s cute, it’s functional, and most importantly, it’s hot.

lip service sexy cat

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

Creative Director/Author/Fashionista
Christien Mozzarti

“La Mer face cream got me where I am today.” Christien Mozzarti, an industry authority,  first began his career in the fashion business in the early 1990s. Over the last decade, he’s proven himself time and time again as a fabulous expert in women’s clothing, fashion, and style.  After meeting his wife, Samantha Miranda, he began to understand their minds, as well. It was at this time he started writing a column on vaginal health and maintenance for Lip Service, causing a rise in the sale of douches, douche bags, and douche nozzles. To honor Mozzarti’s douching efforts, the American Council of Gynecology awarded him with a top spot on the List of Worst Enemies to Vaginas Worldwide. The subsequent controversy only propelled Mozzarti’s career further. Outside of helping to advance women’s style rights, he collects antique Cher memorabilia and kitsch gay pornography.

5 tips to get him from “I don’t know” to “I DO”!!

30 Mar

Every girl wants a perfect husband, but we all know how men feel about commitment!  It’s not his fault; it’s all that crazy testosterone that makes him want variety and dread a relationship.  Fear not, future brides!  You can get around his commitment-phobic nature with these 5 tips to change that hottie you have your eye on from sex partner to life partner!

  1. Crouching Bootycall, Hidden Wife! Offer him no strings attached sex, then insert yourself into his life over time!  Every time you meet up with your honey for a 1am humpfest, simply leave a hairbrush or a hair tie in his bathroom.  Gradually start spending more nights over and leaving more and more of your things at his house. Then, come over one weekend and never leave.   He’ll have no choice but to make YOU temily-kris-hspl-01he lady of the house!
  2. Knocked Up. Get pregnant!  This one’s a no brainer ladies…stop taking your birth control. Every boy likes it bareback!!  If he balks, then just poke holes in his condoms.  If that proves too difficult, try this instead: one night after you two have done the deed, slip into the bathroom and insert the contents of the discarded condom in your dildo hotel.  When he hears that little commitment-maker call him “Daddy”, he’ll want to call YOU his wife!!
  3. Look Who’s (not) Talking Now!!  Whenever you meet up, let HIM do all the talking!  Believe me, he’ll find this to be a breath of fresh air!  Let him guide the conversations in all of your dates and interactions.  Read up on things he likes, and always COMPLIMENT COMPLIMENT COMPLIMENT.  Convince him he can do no wrong, and before you know it you’ll be HIS Mrs. Right!!
  4. Crash. Make him need you! Invite him out for a Sunday afternoon drive (Or a Friday night 1am drive).  Then, simply crash your car and get ready to let Florence Nightingale be your muse!  Nurse your guy back to health from his car “accident” related injuries, and he’ll see what a great caretaker you are!  That will clear the path for him to make you the caretaker of his heart!  Just wait for him to pop the question…and the best part is, he’ll never question why you crashed in the first place…women drivers, right? 😉
  5. Backdraft (EXPERTS ONLY) Unleash the hero in your man!  Burn your house down (Make sure to get your shoes out first though, those Louboutins won’t replace themselves).  What guy can resist a damsel in distress?  After he consoles you and offers you a place to crash, just relax, make yourself at home, and wait for your white night to give you that ring, girl!

 

Author
Candy DeMarchett

 “Beauty outside IS beauty inside.”  As former statewide child beauty pageant champion, Candy DeMarschett has been steeped in the world of fashion for basically her entire life. After exhausting the pageant circuit in Tennessee by her late teens, Candy headed west to fulfill her dreams of becoming a writer and a make up artist. After attending Barbazon of Hollywood, Candy then graduated with her Master’s in Literature from CSU Dominguez Hills. In addition to becoming the go to makeup artist for many celebrities of note, including Jenny McCarthy and Janice Dickenson, Candy is the founder and former Chief Editor of Pageant Pretty Magazine, which until recently was the 3rd most popular publication in Georgia. These days, Candy is a devoted stay at home mom with a successful line of child sized press on nails, “KiddieCryllics” which took the nation by storm when they were featured in a segment on the Ricki Lake show. Her greatest hope is that her two children, Sprinkles SaraBella, age 3, and Preston Alistair, age 1, will follow in her glamorous footsteps and one day know the joys of being the prettiest girl in the state.

 

What You’re Doing Wrong

29 Mar

Guys reveal the secret turn-offs and pet peeves guaranteed to drive them away.

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“I hate it when girls have pockets. Not to be a dick or anything, but it makes their hips look fat. Besides, isn’t that what purses are for?”
– Craig Anderson, 27

 

 

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“Turn offs? Hairy pits, hairy legs, hairy pussy.”
– Ben Nagel, 32

 

 

 

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”Honestly, being a bitch. I’m so tired of women thinking they’re hot shit just because I’ve asked them out. Christ, you should be thankful that I’m even talking to you when you’re, at best, a 6.”
-Bryce Casabean , 29

 

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“When a girl thinks she’s smarter than me.”
– Jon Massey, 26

 

 

 

“I don’t wanna come off as an asshole or anything, but I’m tired of listening to chicks bitch about the ‘gender wage gap’. I’m paying for your dinner, doesn’t that make us even?”
– Bradley Stockton, 25

 

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“Ok, so I’m gonna keep it real here, ladies…STOP WEARING FLATS. It always looks manly. High heels are so sexy.”
– Adam Liu, 32

 

 

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“When they’re too slutty or not slutty enough.”
-Flynn Doyle, 28

 

 

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“Women in leadership roles.”
– Brian Weimar, 26

 

 

 

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“I find myself most disgusted when I discover that it can’t take direction.”
-Geoffrey Drench, 30