Postpartum Pretty Pick Me Ups for Chunky Child Bearers

25 Oct i got my body back pregnancy weightloss

If Celebrities have taught us anything, it’s that’s bouncing to your passable pre-preggy weight is easy peasy! Just cut back on the peas, piggy! But some mangy mama’s just can’t get their acts together. Listen up, Lip Servers: Maternity Leave gives you the downtime to drop the dumpy look and focus on what’s most important to you: Getting your body back!

Kim-k got her body back pregnancy weightloss1.
 Baby Mama. If you’ve read our guide “Baby-in-Waiting: From Cradle to Fave” you already know the only thing cuter than looking like a baby is weighing like a baby. Learn a lesson from your newly-spawned thinspiration by eating what it eats! A strict diet of formula fasting will give you the nutrients you need and spitting up will ensure you ditch the calories before he ditches you.

2. Y Tu Mama Tambien. Entice new-mom jealousy in all of your friends with social media updates about the must-have fashion accessory you just birthed.  Then, when they get knocked up, their looks get knocked down, and you’re a knock out by comparison!😉

Mariah-Carey-Gets-Body-Back-After-Baby-013. Mama Said Knock You Out.  As a new mother, you’re blessed with an incredible miracle! You’ve been granted 2-3 months of unpaid maternity leave to devote to losing the fug n’ flab. Kickstart your weight loss with a hefty Ambien ‘script. If used correctly (every 2-4 hrs), you’ll spend the next eight weeks in a dreamy dieting haze, floating through the halls of your home, with your weight-training newborn in tow.

4. Mama Mia!  Everyone knows Italians love their mothers. Bag your own Rocky-Rambo Italian Stallion with a sultry look straight from the pages of Italian Vogue! Break out your finest Virgin Mary garb and hit the local pizzerias! Mamma mia, you’re shaped like one spicy meatball!

pregnancy weightloss how i got my body back5. Mama’s Boy. If the baby took after you, there’s a good chance he’s in need of a makeover! Cosmetics aren’t safe for children under two, so the best you’ll be able to do is accessorize him with a leather facemask and body suit studded in Swarovski crystals. Get a handle on him with an actual handle that makes your baby easy to carry on the go. Just don’t lose your keys in there!

6. Mommy Beer-est. Now’s the best time to procreate an image sexier than the one that got you into this portly position! Show ‘em that you’ve still got it by leaving the baby buzzkill at home and frequenting the local high school keggar scene in your most attention-grabbing bodycon from freshman year. Drink up and spin the bottle like you’re seventeen again! Just because you’re a new mama doesn’t mean you have to act like one!

7. Child Protective Services Can’t find a babysitter when you need to hit the gym? Give the Nanny State a call and they’ll watch your baby until you lose the flab and are fit for parenthood.

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How to Vote for Him in Style!

23 Jul

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Electoral Debut. This is your big chance to get discovered! Treat it like any other Hollywood premiere and come in your very best. Just don’t make the mistake of going in the voting booth, then no one will see you!

Bill of Rights. Find the Anthony Weiner of your district. Once he shows you his, you can show him your… bills! Blackmail him into paying, or the peener goes public!

Rock the Tote. This primary, vote for Donald in style! Carry all of your boyfriend/father/brother’s suggestions in a fab birkin bag, so you won’t forget this time😉

sarah palin bikiniBalance of Power Suit.  If election season has taught us anything, it’s that bossy is bitchy! The last thing any man wants to wake up to is a naggy haggy Hilary. Soften your appearance with Palin-approved pearls and a pouty pink lip!  And, remember, no one likes a bupkis Bernie!

Absentee Vote. The best way to send the message that you’re too good for voting is by not voting at all! Use the time you got off work to cast your ballot to get a fab mani/pedi instead. You’d be doing your country a disservice if you DIDN’T; those cuticles are out of control, fugglefists! 

Bill of Tight Tushie. Want his vote of approval? Then tighten your tushie, tubby! Try our Skenny Betch Tips to Looking Fab (For Him)

Opinion Polling. When a line starts forming on voting day, now’s your chance to get as many opinions as possible on an outfit (or a boyfriend) that you’re not sure about. They’ll be grateful to you for making their lives more interesting.  

To Catch a Senator. Polling results are in. The conclusion? Politicians are perverts! Catch your own with a lusty look straight from the dominatrix den that’ll whip him straight into the hearts of the American people!

Legal Voting Age. By voting, you admit you’re old enough to be someone’s mother. Pathetic!

Civic Booty.  Politicians are positively powerful…and you’re just an itty witty citizen. Serve him so he can serve the people. Ooh, happy birthday, Mr. Pwesident. 

Pres-i-duh!  Above all else, always remember your #1 duty as a patriot: Don’t be a downer, ladies! ;) 

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Quiz: Are You Pretty?

16 Jun lip quiz header-03

woman wondering is she's pretty1. What is your BMI ?

A)     Underweight (18.5 or below – you go, girl!)

B)     Basic Bitch (18.5 – 24.9)

C)     Unlovable (25+)

 

2. And your age?

A)     Cute (19 yrs or younger)

B)     Fading (20 -25 yrs)

C)     Waste of space  (26+ yrs)

 

3. How often do you wear makeup?

A)     Always. I sleep and shower in it.

B)     Most days I wear at least some form of makeup to cover imperfections and shame.

C)     When I feel like it or hardly ever. Either way, I love the skin I’m in!

Woman-Asking-Question

4. How’s your relationship with your father?

A)     Poor – We don’t have a relationship or we have stopped speaking because I’m not attractive enough.

B)     OK – We don’t have a great relationship, but I’ve worked through a lot of my issues and accept that I have an Electra Complex.

C)     Great! My dad loves me unconditionally.

 

5. How often do you think about your weight or diet?

A)     I’m sorry, what? I was counting calories…

B)     More often than I care to admit. But I’m trying to develop a healthier body image and eating habits, no matter what hurtful comments my mom makes about my midsection.

C)     I try my best to be healthy and love myself at any size.

 

6. How many products are used in your skin regimen?

A)     All of them.

B)     Three to six: Wash, tone, moisturize, eye cream… that sort of thing.

C)     Not many. I think a lot of the beauty products marketed towards women are made up of pseudo-science claims that promote insecurity, unrealistic beauty ideals, and an unhealthy fear of aging.

 

how pretty are you quiz7. How often are you catcalled by men on the street?

A)     Omg, all the time. I think it’s super flattering. They’re just letting you know you’re doing something right!

B)     Omg, all the time. But that’s life!

C)     Omg, all the time. I find it disrespectful and, at times, threatening.

 

8. Do you think you’re pretty?

A)     No… do yoouuu think I’m pretty???

B)     Strangely, I feel prettiest on months when my Lip Service Magazine subscription gets sent to the wrong address.

C)     Sure! I think everyone’s beautiful and deserves to feel beautiful.

 

lip service beauty quiz

DSM Diva: 15 Lip Tips that’ll Have You Committed!

8 Apr dsn diva header

If Girl, Interrupted taught us anything, it’s that crazy girls are crazy hot! Want men to romanticize you with roses and the “crazy chicks are the best in bed” label? Then follow along with these Lip Tips, sure to make you the star of the psych ward!

1. Bi-Polar. Nothing says “I’m single” like an attention grabbing makeout sesh with another lady!!! Next time you lock eyes with him, quickly lock lips with her, so he knows you’re interested!

2. Little Miss Munchausen/Munchausen Sweetie Syndrome. Pretend to be mentally disturbed to keep your keeper! Obvs!

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3. Manic-Impression. Make the first impression count with a daintily disrupted display that says “damaged and DTF”: Smeared eyeliner, blistered lips, bruised forearms, unkempt hair, and a shivering hot bod!

4. Attention Deficit Diva.  Say so long to that deficit! Multitask in style, but more importantly, obtain a ‘script for your special needs… to lose weight and gain attention!😉😉😉

crazy.girl lip service mag5. Faux-bia. Need the spotlight on the spot? Next time you’re going ignored in a group, try this quick fix: Screech loudly and point at something in your vicinity, like a blemish on your friend’s face. Apologize for making such a scene and proceed to open up about your trauma for as long as you can stretch it. Add tears and a trembling, glossy lip to complete your ensem’!

6. Dissociative Me, Myself, and Identity Disorder. Don’t rely on the same Plain Jane identity as yesterday. She’s inherently bad and does bad things, after all. You should forget her. Her who? That’s the spirit!  Switch things up until you’re someone that he finds attractive!

7. Klepto-man-iac. Can’t find a man of your own? That’s what your friends’ are for!

8. Anorexia Mimosa. There’s a scientific reason you feel so good getting drinks with the girls, and it’s not because of those hags you hang out with! Alcohol gives you a radiant flush and its diuretic properties battle the bloat and you, obviously, can’t eat with a vodka redbull in your mouth! Plus, it makes barhopping with your band of backstabbing basic bitches more bearable. We’ll drink to that!

9. De-men-tia. Holding out for someone who will love you at any size? Forget it: You’re not gonna get married before your 21st birthday with that attitude! Just go with the last guy. That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

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10. Obsessively Compulsively Dissuasive Disorder. As our readers know, the easiest way to build confidence and love the skin you’re in is through the act of repeatedly, incessantly, and constantly inhibiting others! Next time your gal pal looks hot, advise her to change and maybe stay in for the night. Follow up with a text later, reminding her why she needs to cover up. And an email in the morning, to be on the safe side. Stay on top of her and be persistent. But, remember, don’t push too hard or you could have an Agore-a-cutie on your hands!

11. Agore-a-cutie! Don’t let a needy job, family, or social obligations get in the way of what’s really important to you! Avoid judgement and pore-clogging germs, and ensure you always look your best by reserving enough time at home to perform a half-a-day beauty regime. Look to Lip Service or GOOP to find a plan that works for you! We recommend our Fast-mask-wash-purge-exfoliate-sprint-clean-extract-moisturize-repeat Cleanse!

crazy sexy girl lip service 12. Schizooohh. Nothing sets the mood like being watched. And, lucky for you, you’re always being watched! But, sometimes, the best way to turn him, and Them, on comes from within! Listen to that little voice inside you for guidance next time he’s inside you. But which he?!

13. Manic Monday. Mondays are the worst… the last thing the office needs is you showing up looking bloated! Begin your day with a diet plan that’ll jump start the rest of your week’s weight loss: Take a break from food and focus on something more productive, like shopping!  Shop, shop, shop…shop until you drop! More, more, more… so you never feel bored!! Buy, buy, buy… you’re a secret spy!!! Spy, spy, spy… because only you can fly!!! No one can stop you, not until you’re blue. No one can stop you because YOU’RE GOD.

14. Borderline Purse-onality Disorder. Psycho-ordinate your purses with your mood! Or at least the mood you want people to think you’re in… or the mood you’re in when you trick people into thinking that’s the mood you want people to think you’re in! Oops, was that on purpose???!!!??

15. Delusionaughty. Don’t dress for the man you have, dress for the man you want. Be the man you want. A naughty man… for your man. Policeman, Fireman, Superman, Salesman, Astronaut Man, Doctor Man, Pilot Man, Presi-don’t go there girlfriend, he’s taken… by you! You’re under arrest – for naughty.

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

Love Letters to the Editor: Lip Servers Write In

6 Apr
marty mc

Jon Massey, 27
Greater Chicagoland Area

I should start by saying that my girlfriend and I are huge fans of Lip Service. It really has transformed our lives.  Before we stumbled upon your blog, my girlfriend weighed over a hundred pounds!  Now, she can finally fit into a size zero and I’m hoping she loses some more so we can shop in the kids section for her.  I can’t thank you enough for that!  It’s like I’m actually excited to see her now and not super grossed out or embarrassed to take her out into public.  So, I love all the dieting advice and how much more willing she is to please me.  It’s almost like having a sex slave that doesn’t know that they’re a sex slave!!!  I guess dreams do come true…well, for a while.

What I’m here to complain about is one of your articles from last November and some of the ideas you presented in it for using urine as, like, a beauty thing.  Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of the golden shower (me being the shower and her getting golden [especially if we’re in a hotel in a public place with a big window {nothing feels better than seeing the look on some dudes face that says “man, his bitch will let him piss on him? I wish mine was like that”}]).  So, props for including that golden nugget so that the golden showers have become a regular thing…but no thanks for ANY of the other pissy advice!

Here’s what happened: I went on my yearly retreat with my old frat buddies at a camping site in North Wisconsin.  We call ourselves the “The Man Jocks”.  It’s just a time to get away, hang with the bros, have a few buds, shoot some guns, and kill deer for fun.  Ha, it seems like somebody always gets sick or wounded… this time it was Peter, “Ahhh, I think we didn’t cook Bambi long enough!  I’m pissing blood!”  He said, and Joe was all, “Well, you’ll be shitting blood, too!” and he took this little pen knife and stabbed Peter in the right butt cheek.  Man, we all still joke about that one.  So, we were on our little man-scape for about a week in early November.  I get back to the condo my girl and I had bought and I noticed a couple of jars with something yellow in them on a windowsill.  I ignored those as she immediately wanted sex.  I complied, of course, and I noticed she looked a little more taught.  Her skin was aglow, but, to be honest, she smelled like piss.  I thought maybe I was the one that smelled like piss because I had been camping for a week.  After the sex, she begged me to piss on her.

This was all well and good, but, usually, as long as we weren’t in a hotel, we saved the golden showers for after we’ve had shower sex.  I looked at the bed and decided “why not?”  It wasn’t like I was the one that would be doing the laundry.  So, I pissed all over her thinking that we’d have round two in the shower or something.  This didn’t happen.  She turned her shoulder and went to sleep.  I was confused, slightly disgusted and angry that she wanted sleep more than have another go at it.  Who knew that peeing on your girlfriend would leave you feeling anything but dominant/macho?  After a couple of minutes, I got sick of smelling all the urine on her so I went and took a shower. In the shower, I noticed another jar of something yellow.  I didn’t even know we owned jars!  I opened it up and it was the undeniable sent of urine.  I went over to the windowsill in the living room and opened one of those jars and, it too, had the unmistakable odor of piss.

I needed a beer, what the fuck was going on with my girl?  To my utter disgust, I opened the fridge and saw more of these jars of piss.  Luckily, she had saved me a couple beers.  I cracked one open, chugged it fast, opened another and shut the fridge door.  I noticed something new on the fridge; it was a welcoming sight: a new article from Lip Service.  I was slightly distracted by having chugged a beer and seeing an article from a magazine that has rescued my relationship so many times.  Then, I started to read it.  Was this some kind of sick joke?!?  I mean, your other articles in the past had been solid advice for your basic American girl looking to be a better fit for your basic American bro.  But this? I mean, this article is basically saying your piss, or anyone’s piss, can save you and, the article only stops short of saying it could save the whole world.  I felt betrayed.  I ripped up the article and threw it away.  I opened the door to the bedroom and saw my once beautiful girl in a pissed soaked bed.  I threw out every jar of piss in the condo and drank all the beer and booze at my disposal.  I passed out in the living room watching some Jay Leno reruns.

I woke up to shit being thrown at me. “Where’s my fucking piss?!?!?!?”  She screamed at me, “I’ve been saving those ones on the windowsill for a whole fucking week!!!”  Oh shit, I thought.  Did she just raise her voice to me?  I told her to shut the fuck up and told her she had to cut that fucking piss shit out.  My voice seemed to have set her back inline and she promised to quit the fucking piss shit out.

Things seemed to go back to normal after that.  You know, I would go to work, or go golfing, or hang out with the bros, and I’d come back and everything would be cleaned and she’d be cooking me a hearty dinner while she made plans to mix herself a smoothie.  Then, I took a weekend trip to Vegas for my bro’s bachelor party.  That was epic to say the least!  When I started going through her stuff after the trip, I found a hidden bottle of piss in her dresser.  I looked around the whole condo and found more and even some empty piss bottles hidden in weird places.  She was out picking me up some Chick-fil-A, so I lined up the bottles of piss on the counter and waited for her to get back.  I grabbed some beers and flipped through some of my skin mags while watching some more Jay Leno reruns and playing a bit with my skin flute.  I figured I wouldn’t want to be having sex that night.  My girl might be drowning in her own piss again!  She came back and put the food on the counter next to the bottles of piss.

“What are you going to say?  That they aren’t yours?”  I asked her.

“No, they’re mine.”  She said, as she stared at the floor and started to tear up.

“Dump them out, and sit down.”  I told her.  I was trying to be gentle, but… in all honestly, I just wanted to yell my fucking head off at her till the cops were called.  I grabbed my bucket of chicken bits and sat down and ate as she dumped her piss out in the bathroom, sobbing.  She got down to the last one as I was just about done with my chicken bits.  I noticed she was taking longer for that last jar and that I hadn’t heard anything go into the toilet.  I ran to the bathroom to find her chugging her own piss!  I grabbed the bottle away from her.

“Just a little more, please!  I’m getting so pretty!!!  You’re going to love me forever!!!”

“There are better ways!  Just stick with the diets and the sex!”  I said loudly.  She got quiet and stared harder at the ground.  “Do you have more piss somewhere?”  I asked her. “Do you??” I repeated. Then, she started to really cry.

“Yes…”  she said, through sniffles and sobs.

“Where is it?”  She sadly led me to the guest bedroom’s walk-in closet.  I was horrified… it was like walking into a gas chamber.  She had an actual bathtub installed in the closet with what was undeniably full of piss.  “How the fuck did you fill that whole fucking thing with piss?!?”

“Well…” she said, still crying, “…it’s not all mine.”

“Excuse me, what?  Whose then?!”  I was in shock.

“Well, a couple of the girls come over when you’re at work and we drink water until we’re almost sick and put our piss in there.  We take turns bathing in it.  It’s kind of like a tanning salon, you know?”

“No it’s not! Tanning salons are good and healthy for you and you come out looking gorgeous!  This is just bathing in yours and somebody else’s piss!”  I was mad and grossed out, but I also didn’t want to lose my investment.  I mean, this girl could turn heads.  So, what if she had a secret pee pee problem?  “We’ll get you help, ok?”  I asked her.  She sobbed a bit and nodded in agreement.

After making her find and admit herself to the best 28-day rehab program, and me going through about 2,800 skin mags (HA!), I picked her up from the hospital.  She looked great… well, ok.  She probably had put on five pounds or so, but she didn’t look like a pee bather anymore.  Things have been going alright since the rehab, but, as they told me, “…it’s a long hard road.”  The rehab place wasn’t exactly designed for her specific problem… they dealt more with people that were addicted to port-a-potty baths (I think this stemmed from a Cosmo article that was in the same vein as your piss article).  But, yeah, I have my 83 pound, 5 foot 6 inch girl back, cooking me meals and sucking my dick.  So, I’m not super upset, but you seriously put me through hell and, for that, I will never forgive you.

Also, since I do like your services, I was wondering what the best, or preferred way, was to cum on a girl?  Also, I read an article in the back of one of my skin mags that said they have a pill that can help you produce more jizz-sauce.  Would massive amounts of my happy goop on my girl be a possibly better alternative to her bathing/drinking piss?  Like, could she finally shed that fucking rehab weight?  What the fuck were they feeding her?

PS… I still plan on pissing on her on a regular basis.  Man, you gotta love the golden shower!  Especially when it’s coming from a shower like mine (photos attached)!

Beautiful or Busted: Who Wore it Better?

23 Mar

Mindy Kaling Frozen Elsa

Who wore it better: comedy queen Mindy Kaling or beautiful, blonde bombshell Elsa? While both ladies were rocking blue frocks and side braid, something about Mindy’s look comes off unnatural and contrived, compared to Elsa’s effortless Disney Diva style. While Mindy tried to keep it real, the whole getup needs a reality check! Elsa’s youthful glow and light luscious locks aren’t trying to be pretty, they ARE pretty! Nice try Mindy. But, next time, don’t try so hard!

Lip Service Workout Playlist: 16 Tracks to Tighten Your Tush to

18 Mar perfect workout playlist

Becoming an Erotic Explorer: A Treasure Map to Your Pleasure Zones

19 Feb looking for love

Did you know your body is covered with pleasure enhancing zones that scientist call er-og-e-nous? Next time you have to get in the mood for him, try spending some time alone first, getting to know your hair-free, hot n’ heavy hotspots up close n’ personal.  Do you like it in or out? What’s your favorite color to think of during sex? To help you answer these questions, Lip Service Magazine has listed all of the percolating places to push your pleasure from getting you wet to wetting your sheets.

lip server explorer-01I’ll G Right There: Can’t find your G-spot? Take your digit and really get in there. See, told you!

Geisha Gone Wild:  Hey, busy babes: remember to wasabi on wasabi off your edamame… it’s actually good for it! And what’s good for it is good for him. You love you long time!

Tits for Toots: Feisty Flatsies all the way to Double D Divas should know the importance of their tittertots. Just beneath your ninis are trillions of nerve endings and muscles; so, calfettes, always remember to twerk them while you work them! You’ll be udderly surprised😉

Cheeky Chola: Next Tantric Tango, tackle your tom-tom like a true ‘tina. Pour hot sauce just below your enojita. !Hot tamale!

Insider Trading: Hype your hipbone hopscotch with this hypnotic hanky-panky hold: gently turn your commodity back and forth, until you can actually feel it.

One Load at a Time: Get just out of the cleaners hot by tweeing your squee with faaaaaaaaaaabric softener…

lip service explorer lost

BBQueef:  Barbeque the meat in your smoke pit thrice over n’ down under until tender and smokin’ hot. 5 alarm chili anyone? No thanks, we’re on a diet.

Crafty Beaver: Tantrum your trinket with this steamy straightforward snuffy sexxx secret: Start with a pen, 2 rubber bands and a 4” piece of yarn and end with pure pink pleasure.

Supreme Cooter Courting: Attempt to influence your own official “decisions”😉 by lobbying YOURSELF with the free flirty fundamentals in freaking. Read all about it!

Lunch Meat: Eeniemeenieminey YOUR mo with this meathole in one: eradicate your delicately delicate delicatessen. Repeat. That’s one spicy meatball!!

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Sticky Buns: Bake your bonbon with prolonged dry heat by convection! To keep things hot, you’ll need something that starts with an “a”, rhymes with “lobotomy”, and ends in “w”. Certifiably sexy!!!

Knock, Knock. Who’s there? You. “You” who? Yoohoo, ladies! Now you get the idea!

Sexy Can I: with nothing or all, all at once, and nothing at all. It’s all the same. Wherever will you go now? You’re already there.

Cum & Ride the Train: A passenger train’s speed is 60 mph and a freight train’s speed is 40 mph. The passenger train travels the same distance in 1.5 h less time than the freight train. How long does each train take to make the ….”trip”?😉😉😉

I                   P

Pleasure Meat Log: β = 10 log      = 20 log

I0                 P0HHHHH….

V=I

The Cat’s Meow: Tips & Tricks from Our Feline Friends

11 Nov katty catty purry pur put

1. Let the Cat out of the Bag. What says “I’m single” more than a prominent display of your meowmix? Nothing! Let out your inner pussy and entice his big dog by wearing hot pants so short your labia majora is front & center, and in the right side of your Forever 21 romper. Who wears short shorts? Your meow-meow does!!

LIP SERV CAT2. Cat Got Your Tongue? What’s worse than a bad blow job? A boring blowjob. Don’t make him leave you over a humdrum hummer. Show man’s best friend that you can play ruff too, by getting creative with sandpapurrr. Simply roll a piece in your mouth to mimic the texture of a cat’s tongue… Meow you got the idea!

3. CAT Scan.  It’s a cat-eat-cat world out there. Always remember: every woman around you is just waiting to claw you in the back!  Stay alert by looking over your competition as you enter a room, hizing (hissing with your eyes) at the cat competition that you admire or could learn from the most.  And remember: Keep your ‘crylics sharp, kitties! It’s scratching season😉

4. Keyboard Cat. Got a workaholic on your puss? Here’s where your Kegels come into play: Next time he’s trying to respond to an “important” e-mail, gingerly pull yourself atop his desk and crawl across his lap.  Gaze into his eyes and put your puss in prime position to seductively spell out something sexy on his keyboard.  Say “love” with your eyes and “lust” with your labes.  Throw in some purring sounds and it’s sure to give his pooch nine lives.

lip service sexy cat-015. Feral Cat. Show him that you’re not some tame tabby with some primitive puma power plays. Unleash your inner wild cat and paw at his penis till it’s pawsitively red. Meow you’re ready to take it to the next level: bite the back of his neck unexpectedly during foreplay and screech. Get ready for a stream of catastrophic cream! Lick lick, kitty want milk😉

6. Schrodinger’s Cat. Lock yourself into a steel chamber for some much needed R&R and an even more needed at-home hydrocyanic acid treatment. Is your body at rest or at work getting beautiful? Nobody knows. And remember: Don’t forget your hammer!😉😉😉

7. Cat’s Cradle. Is your canine crush losing interest? Keep him from barking up the wrong tree by maintaining your flirty feline figure, even while catnapping. Burn more calories while you sleep by negotiating yourself onto a windowsill or in a routinely used walkway. Not burning off that cat snack fast enough? Try napping in oncoming traffic!

8. Domestic Cat. Fulfill every man’s fantasy by never leaving the house and spending all of your time in his lap. He’ll know what to do.

9. The Very Best of Cat Stevens. Did you know that cat caca contains ammonia and living parasites? It’s called toxoplasmosis and it’ll bust up, tear through, and eat away at even the most stubborn of pore-clogging bacteria. So, face down in some gently used kitty litter for an uplifting feline fecal facial.

10. Cat Food. Here’s a game that’s fun for him and fit for you.  Trim your tush with training by letting your pooch pal reward you when you’re being good with kitty cat snacks, your only source of food.  Every time you make his dog bark, he’ll make your stomach meow… for more food!

11. Stray Cat Strut. Not getting much play? Nothing sends the message that you’re on the prowl more than vulnerability. Try walking a block around your apartment with a sad, lost, frightened look on your face. You’ll be shocked by the sheer amount of catcallers that’ll chase you down! And, after, you’ll have your choice of who’s going to help you find your way home, thanks to this little game of cat and mouse😉

12. Cat’s Whiskers. Not ready to commit to a Brazilian? Obviously, no girl wants to look like Gloria Steinem down there, but sometimes we’re just not ready to shave our whole cat clean. Luckily, there IS a happy medium for all you wax-shy Lip Servers out there! Pussify your puss by plucking out all but 4 pubic hairs from each side of your labia majora to resemble cat whiskers.  It’s cute, it’s functional, and most importantly, it’s hot.

lip service sexy cat

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

Creative Director/Author/Fashionista
Christien Mozzarti

“La Mer face cream got me where I am today.” Christien Mozzarti, an industry authority,  first began his career in the fashion business in the early 1990s. Over the last decade, he’s proven himself time and time again as a fabulous expert in women’s clothing, fashion, and style.  After meeting his wife, Samantha Miranda, he began to understand their minds, as well. It was at this time he started writing a column on vaginal health and maintenance for Lip Service, causing a rise in the sale of douches, douche bags, and douche nozzles. To honor Mozzarti’s douching efforts, the American Council of Gynecology awarded him with a top spot on the List of Worst Enemies to Vaginas Worldwide. The subsequent controversy only propelled Mozzarti’s career further. Outside of helping to advance women’s style rights, he collects antique Cher memorabilia and kitsch gay pornography.

Be All That You Can Pee: Beauty Tips and Tricks You Can Make in Your Own Home!

1 Nov urine face cleansing treatment for lip service

What if we told you that the answer to nature’s call (for women to look better) was in the call of nature all along? Well, urine luck! Because pee is having a major moment. That’s right, you’re just a bathroom break away from becoming a better you, inside and out. Here’s our list of the best and brightest at-home urinal treatments:

Number One. Ready to relieve yourself of your hideous, repugnant, disgusting weight and become a societal winner? Of course you are!!  Lose the Listerine and trade it in for some top-notch tinkle to become a thinner, prettier, more valuable woman. Just gargle with your pisspee before every meal to suppress your appetite and naturally stave off hunger pangs.

Urine Face Cleanser for Beauty-012. Fountain of Youth. Dull, aging skin? Sprinkle your tinkle in a large tight-seal Tupperware container. After letting it sit under direct sunlight for 6 days (leave out longer for more noticeable results), dunk your face directly into your peelightful home-made astringent, holding your breath for as long as possible. Make sure that your entire face is submerged in oui oui to get the most out of this youthanizing treatment!

3. Wizz Whiz. Ever wonder where the expression “powder my nose” came from? Us too! But next time you take a trip to the toilet, run to the restroom, prance to the potty, bounce to the baño, or leap to the loo, remember that urine acts as a natural mattifyer, absorbing unsightly oil as it dries on your skin. So, think twice before clogging your pores with cakey, chalky powder and, instead, reach within reach of your rear for some Grade A fountain dew. 

drink your own pee diet lip service 14. Tea Pee. Feeling sluggish? When you feel tired, it shows and a wee bit more wee in your diet could make all the difference. An all-natural Arnold Palmer made with nature’s lemonade might be just what you need to beat that 3pm fatigue. Just mix one part #1 with one part organic fennel spiced amphetamine salts and you’re off!

5. Golden Shower. The easiest way to fit in your daily urine requirement is to have someone else do it for you! Allow yourself to be a little selfish today by asking your boyfriend to hose you down after sex with a revitalizing rinse of pure pee gold, à la R.Kelly. Leave the treatment in while you run errands. Everyone will be asking what you’re doing differently😉

6. Whittle your Middle with Piddle. Urine could possibly have a chemical that scientists haven’t discovered yet that perhaps might, potentially, reduce pesky abdominal fat, maybe. Only time will tell! But in the meantime, why risk it? Slather your stomach with sprinkle for a potentially, imaginably tighter tummy.

7. Gladder Bladder. Occasionally, beauty comes from within. Not in the juice cleansing way, but in the ecological way. Being environmentally conscious makes you look more appealing to others and is extremely on trend right now. Remind people of what a good person you are by becoming an activist. Give your pee to the homeless in little Styrofoam cups. Fill your SUV with canisters of pee to drop off at the Salvation Army. Send your pee to Africa. (Lip Tip! Buy bottled water in bulk, empty the contents, and fill them with your weezy to ensure you won’t waste a precious drip during transportation overseas.) Every little bit counts. And remember, waste is only waste if you waste it😉

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.