Jon Massey, 27
Greater Chicagoland Area

I should start by saying that my girlfriend and I are huge fans of Lip Service. It really has transformed our lives.  Before we stumbled upon your blog, my girlfriend weighed over a hundred pounds!  Now, she can finally fit into a size zero and I’m hoping she loses some more so we can shop in the kids section for her.  I can’t thank you enough for that!  It’s like I’m actually excited to see her now and not super grossed out or embarrassed to take her out into public.  So, I love all the dieting advice and how much more willing she is to please me.  It’s almost like having a sex slave that doesn’t know that they’re a sex slave!!!  I guess dreams do come true…well, for a while.

What I’m here to complain about is one of your articles from last November and some of the ideas you presented in it for using urine as, like, a beauty thing.  Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of the golden shower (me being the shower and her getting golden [especially if we’re in a hotel in a public place with a big window {nothing feels better than seeing the look on some dudes face that says “man, his bitch will let him piss on him? I wish mine was like that”}]).  So, props for including that golden nugget so that the golden showers have become a regular thing…but no thanks for ANY of the other pissy advice!

Here’s what happened: I went on my yearly retreat with my old frat buddies at a camping site in North Wisconsin.  We call ourselves the “The Man Jocks”.  It’s just a time to get away, hang with the bros, have a few buds, shoot some guns, and kill deer for fun.  Ha, it seems like somebody always gets sick or wounded… this time it was Peter, “Ahhh, I think we didn’t cook Bambi long enough!  I’m pissing blood!”  He said, and Joe was all, “Well, you’ll be shitting blood, too!” and he took this little pen knife and stabbed Peter in the right butt cheek.  Man, we all still joke about that one.  So, we were on our little man-scape for about a week in early November.  I get back to the condo my girl and I had bought and I noticed a couple of jars with something yellow in them on a windowsill.  I ignored those as she immediately wanted sex.  I complied, of course, and I noticed she looked a little more taught.  Her skin was aglow, but, to be honest, she smelled like piss.  I thought maybe I was the one that smelled like piss because I had been camping for a week.  After the sex, she begged me to piss on her.

This was all well and good, but, usually, as long as we weren’t in a hotel, we saved the golden showers for after we’ve had shower sex.  I looked at the bed and decided “why not?”  It wasn’t like I was the one that would be doing the laundry.  So, I pissed all over her thinking that we’d have round two in the shower or something.  This didn’t happen.  She turned her shoulder and went to sleep.  I was confused, slightly disgusted and angry that she wanted sleep more than have another go at it.  Who knew that peeing on your girlfriend would leave you feeling anything but dominant/macho?  After a couple of minutes, I got sick of smelling all the urine on her so I went and took a shower. In the shower, I noticed another jar of something yellow.  I didn’t even know we owned jars!  I opened it up and it was the undeniable sent of urine.  I went over to the windowsill in the living room and opened one of those jars and, it too, had the unmistakable odor of piss.

I needed a beer, what the fuck was going on with my girl?  To my utter disgust, I opened the fridge and saw more of these jars of piss.  Luckily, she had saved me a couple beers.  I cracked one open, chugged it fast, opened another and shut the fridge door.  I noticed something new on the fridge; it was a welcoming sight: a new article from Lip Service.  I was slightly distracted by having chugged a beer and seeing an article from a magazine that has rescued my relationship so many times.  Then, I started to read it.  Was this some kind of sick joke?!?  I mean, your other articles in the past had been solid advice for your basic American girl looking to be a better fit for your basic American bro.  But this? I mean, this article is basically saying your piss, or anyone’s piss, can save you and, the article only stops short of saying it could save the whole world.  I felt betrayed.  I ripped up the article and threw it away.  I opened the door to the bedroom and saw my once beautiful girl in a pissed soaked bed.  I threw out every jar of piss in the condo and drank all the beer and booze at my disposal.  I passed out in the living room watching some Jay Leno reruns.

I woke up to shit being thrown at me. “Where’s my fucking piss?!?!?!?”  She screamed at me, “I’ve been saving those ones on the windowsill for a whole fucking week!!!”  Oh shit, I thought.  Did she just raise her voice to me?  I told her to shut the fuck up and told her she had to cut that fucking piss shit out.  My voice seemed to have set her back inline and she promised to quit the fucking piss shit out.

Things seemed to go back to normal after that.  You know, I would go to work, or go golfing, or hang out with the bros, and I’d come back and everything would be cleaned and she’d be cooking me a hearty dinner while she made plans to mix herself a smoothie.  Then, I took a weekend trip to Vegas for my bro’s bachelor party.  That was epic to say the least!  When I started going through her stuff after the trip, I found a hidden bottle of piss in her dresser.  I looked around the whole condo and found more and even some empty piss bottles hidden in weird places.  She was out picking me up some Chick-fil-A, so I lined up the bottles of piss on the counter and waited for her to get back.  I grabbed some beers and flipped through some of my skin mags while watching some more Jay Leno reruns and playing a bit with my skin flute.  I figured I wouldn’t want to be having sex that night.  My girl might be drowning in her own piss again!  She came back and put the food on the counter next to the bottles of piss.

“What are you going to say?  That they aren’t yours?”  I asked her.

“No, they’re mine.”  She said, as she stared at the floor and started to tear up.

“Dump them out, and sit down.”  I told her.  I was trying to be gentle, but… in all honestly, I just wanted to yell my fucking head off at her till the cops were called.  I grabbed my bucket of chicken bits and sat down and ate as she dumped her piss out in the bathroom, sobbing.  She got down to the last one as I was just about done with my chicken bits.  I noticed she was taking longer for that last jar and that I hadn’t heard anything go into the toilet.  I ran to the bathroom to find her chugging her own piss!  I grabbed the bottle away from her.

“Just a little more, please!  I’m getting so pretty!!!  You’re going to love me forever!!!”

“There are better ways!  Just stick with the diets and the sex!”  I said loudly.  She got quiet and stared harder at the ground.  “Do you have more piss somewhere?”  I asked her. “Do you??” I repeated. Then, she started to really cry.

“Yes…”  she said, through sniffles and sobs.

“Where is it?”  She sadly led me to the guest bedroom’s walk-in closet.  I was horrified… it was like walking into a gas chamber.  She had an actual bathtub installed in the closet with what was undeniably full of piss.  “How the fuck did you fill that whole fucking thing with piss?!?”

“Well…” she said, still crying, “…it’s not all mine.”

“Excuse me, what?  Whose then?!”  I was in shock.

“Well, a couple of the girls come over when you’re at work and we drink water until we’re almost sick and put our piss in there.  We take turns bathing in it.  It’s kind of like a tanning salon, you know?”

“No it’s not! Tanning salons are good and healthy for you and you come out looking gorgeous!  This is just bathing in yours and somebody else’s piss!”  I was mad and grossed out, but I also didn’t want to lose my investment.  I mean, this girl could turn heads.  So, what if she had a secret pee pee problem?  “We’ll get you help, ok?”  I asked her.  She sobbed a bit and nodded in agreement.

After making her find and admit herself to the best 28-day rehab program, and me going through about 2,800 skin mags (HA!), I picked her up from the hospital.  She looked great… well, ok.  She probably had put on five pounds or so, but she didn’t look like a pee bather anymore.  Things have been going alright since the rehab, but, as they told me, “…it’s a long hard road.”  The rehab place wasn’t exactly designed for her specific problem… they dealt more with people that were addicted to port-a-potty baths (I think this stemmed from a Cosmo article that was in the same vein as your piss article).  But, yeah, I have my 83 pound, 5 foot 6 inch girl back, cooking me meals and sucking my dick.  So, I’m not super upset, but you seriously put me through hell and, for that, I will never forgive you.

Also, since I do like your services, I was wondering what the best, or preferred way, was to cum on a girl?  Also, I read an article in the back of one of my skin mags that said they have a pill that can help you produce more jizz-sauce.  Would massive amounts of my happy goop on my girl be a possibly better alternative to her bathing/drinking piss?  Like, could she finally shed that fucking rehab weight?  What the fuck were they feeding her?

PS… I still plan on pissing on her on a regular basis.  Man, you gotta love the golden shower!  Especially when it’s coming from a shower like mine (photos attached)!

Tags: beauty tips, boyfriends, feminism, golden showers, letters to the editor, pee, pee fetish, pee pee, piss, relationship advice, weight loss