Tag Archives: beauty advice

Becoming an Erotic Explorer: A Treasure Map to Your Pleasure Zones

19 Feb looking for love

Did you know your body is covered with pleasure enhancing zones that scientist call er-og-e-nous? Next time you have to get in the mood for him, try spending some time alone first, getting to know your hair-free, hot n’ heavy hotspots up close n’ personal.  Do you like it in or out? What’s your favorite color to think of during sex? To help you answer these questions, Lip Service Magazine has listed all of the percolating places to push your pleasure from getting you wet to wetting your sheets.

lip server explorer-01I’ll G Right There: Can’t find your G-spot? Take your digit and really get in there. See, told you!

Geisha Gone Wild:  Hey, busy babes: remember to wasabi on wasabi off your edamame… it’s actually good for it! And what’s good for it is good for him. You love you long time!

Tits for Toots: Feisty Flatsies all the way to Double D Divas should know the importance of their tittertots. Just beneath your ninis are trillions of nerve endings and muscles; so, calfettes, always remember to twerk them while you work them! You’ll be udderly surprised 😉

Cheeky Chola: Next Tantric Tango, tackle your tom-tom like a true ‘tina. Pour hot sauce just below your enojita. !Hot tamale!

Insider Trading: Hype your hipbone hopscotch with this hypnotic hanky-panky hold: gently turn your commodity back and forth, until you can actually feel it.

One Load at a Time: Get just out of the cleaners hot by tweeing your squee with faaaaaaaaaaabric softener…

lip service explorer lost

BBQueef:  Barbeque the meat in your smoke pit thrice over n’ down under until tender and smokin’ hot. 5 alarm chili anyone? No thanks, we’re on a diet.

Crafty Beaver: Tantrum your trinket with this steamy straightforward snuffy sexxx secret: Start with a pen, 2 rubber bands and a 4” piece of yarn and end with pure pink pleasure.

Supreme Cooter Courting: Attempt to influence your own official “decisions” 😉 by lobbying YOURSELF with the free flirty fundamentals in freaking. Read all about it!

Lunch Meat: Eeniemeenieminey YOUR mo with this meathole in one: eradicate your delicately delicate delicatessen. Repeat. That’s one spicy meatball!!

telescope-woman lipservice lost

Sticky Buns: Bake your bonbon with prolonged dry heat by convection! To keep things hot, you’ll need something that starts with an “a”, rhymes with “lobotomy”, and ends in “w”. Certifiably sexy!!!

Knock, Knock. Who’s there? You. “You” who? Yoohoo, ladies! Now you get the idea!

Sexy Can I: with nothing or all, all at once, and nothing at all. It’s all the same. Wherever will you go now? You’re already there.

Cum & Ride the Train: A passenger train’s speed is 60 mph and a freight train’s speed is 40 mph. The passenger train travels the same distance in 1.5 h less time than the freight train. How long does each train take to make the ….”trip”? 😉 😉 😉

I                   P

Pleasure Meat Log: β = 10 log      = 20 log

I0                 P0HHHHH….

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Be All That You Can Pee: Beauty Tips and Tricks You Can Make in Your Own Home!

1 Nov urine face cleansing treatment for lip service

What if we told you that the answer to nature’s call (for women to look better) was in the call of nature all along? Well, urine luck! Because pee is having a major moment. That’s right, you’re just a bathroom break away from becoming a better you, inside and out. Here’s our list of the best and brightest at-home urinal treatments:

Number One. Ready to relieve yourself of your hideous, repugnant, disgusting weight and become a societal winner? Of course you are!!  Lose the Listerine and trade it in for some top-notch tinkle to become a thinner, prettier, more valuable woman. Just gargle with your pisspee before every meal to suppress your appetite and naturally stave off hunger pangs.

Urine Face Cleanser for Beauty-012. Fountain of Youth. Dull, aging skin? Sprinkle your tinkle in a large tight-seal Tupperware container. After letting it sit under direct sunlight for 6 days (leave out longer for more noticeable results), dunk your face directly into your peelightful home-made astringent, holding your breath for as long as possible. Make sure that your entire face is submerged in oui oui to get the most out of this youthanizing treatment!

3. Wizz Whiz. Ever wonder where the expression “powder my nose” came from? Us too! But next time you take a trip to the toilet, run to the restroom, prance to the potty, bounce to the baño, or leap to the loo, remember that urine acts as a natural mattifyer, absorbing unsightly oil as it dries on your skin. So, think twice before clogging your pores with cakey, chalky powder and, instead, reach within reach of your rear for some Grade A fountain dew. 

drink your own pee diet lip service 14. Tea Pee. Feeling sluggish? When you feel tired, it shows and a wee bit more wee in your diet could make all the difference. An all-natural Arnold Palmer made with nature’s lemonade might be just what you need to beat that 3pm fatigue. Just mix one part #1 with one part organic fennel spiced amphetamine salts and you’re off!

5. Golden Shower. The easiest way to fit in your daily urine requirement is to have someone else do it for you! Allow yourself to be a little selfish today by asking your boyfriend to hose you down after sex with a revitalizing rinse of pure pee gold, à la R.Kelly. Leave the treatment in while you run errands. Everyone will be asking what you’re doing differently 😉

6. Whittle your Middle with Piddle. Urine could possibly have a chemical that scientists haven’t discovered yet that perhaps might, potentially, reduce pesky abdominal fat, maybe. Only time will tell! But in the meantime, why risk it? Slather your stomach with sprinkle for a potentially, imaginably tighter tummy.

7. Gladder Bladder. Occasionally, beauty comes from within. Not in the juice cleansing way, but in the ecological way. Being environmentally conscious makes you look more appealing to others and is extremely on trend right now. Remind people of what a good person you are by becoming an activist. Give your pee to the homeless in little Styrofoam cups. Fill your SUV with canisters of pee to drop off at the Salvation Army. Send your pee to Africa. (Lip Tip! Buy bottled water in bulk, empty the contents, and fill them with your weezy to ensure you won’t waste a precious drip during transportation overseas.) Every little bit counts. And remember, waste is only waste if you waste it 😉

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

What a 5-Year-Old Boy Knows That You STILL Haven’t Figured Out

6 Apr

We all just want a man’s opinion, especially when it comes to our appearance. But it seems like straight guys never have a space for their voices to be heard and gay men are too similar to women to REALLY know what a guy wants. Well, fret not, Lip Servers, we found a secret weapon…  kids 😉

We set up an interview with one of Hollywood’s brightest child starts, five-year-old Adonis Lopecia. After getting a quick bite to eat at one of LA’s most exclusive raw, macrobiotic restaurants, we took Adonis to Bliss Spa for a facial and to scrub out the dirt on what he thinks makes girls so ugly:

annoying_kid-01

  1. Boogers.I saw my seat partner eat a booger once and she’s a girl. I told my mommy and mommy said that that’s a really bad thing to do.”  Lip Tip! we’re pleased to hear how many of you are trying out the diet featured in Lip Service last month, but please remember: THE BOOGER DIET SHOULD NOT BE PRACTICED IN PUBLIC. And stop trying to be progressive by calling yourself a seat partner. You’re his girlfriend…own it!
  2. Pink Socks.Pink is a gross girl color. Blue is for boys. My sister Angelina is always leaving her pink socks in my room.” Lip Tip! Where there’s socks, there’s a pair of fugly shoes close behind. Throw out your sensible flats and sneakers and opt for a strappy stiletto instead.
  3. Weird Looking Hair.Girls have stupid weird hair. They tie it like a knot or like try to look like a horse.” Lip Tip! Ponytails make you look manly, like you’re going to go play sports or solve math problems.
  4. They Smell.Ms. Schneider smells like Nana and it makes everyone cough. Daddy says she’s going to die alone in a diaper.” Lip Tip! Your perfume is probably aging you, along with many other factors. The only way to really smell younger is by rubbing your vaginal secretion behind the backs of your ears.
  5. Not Playing It Cool. “I like my Avengers shirt cuz I like Captain America and Iron Man. They’re the best Avengers because they’re really powerful.” Lip Tip! Next date night, dress up as a comic villain and let him live out his childhood dreams by dominating you!
  6. Always Getting Me In Trouble. “Angelina and her friends tell even when I’m not doing anything and she was the one who was spying.” Lip Tip! Don’t get caught going through his emails and texts. Only basic bitches get caught. Are YOU a basic bitch??
  7. Dumb Toys.I don’t like girl toys. They’re always pink and for playing house.” Lip Tip! Switch it up with different colored vibrators. And stop using them for meal preparation. That’s an outdated Lip Tip!

11 Beauty Mistakes You’re Probably Making

31 Mar
  1. Not wearing makeup. Here at Lip Service, we think it should be illegal.
  2. Doing Your Own Nails. Never try to perform a manicure or pedicure on yourself. Even if you have the technical skills to give yourself a set of fab fingers, don’t! It makes you look below your class and pathetic. There are certain…types…of people whose livelihoods depend on scraping your calluses.
  3. Not exploring facial tattoos. 
  4. Forgetting to tape your skin back. There’s no excuse for looking old! Especially when one can use dental floss and masking tape to yank the skin from the temples back, giving the illusion of a hot n taut, youthful face.
  5. Tuning Out Your Ta-Tas. A lot of you gals haven’t even heard of breast slapping outside of the bedroom. But breast slapping is a real treatment that can make your moomelons swell a full cup size!
  6. Using the wrong exfoliant. We’re shocked at the number of woeful women who think apricot scrub is actually going to rid them of their disgusting, microscopic pieces of dead flesh. Acetone vapor baths, steel wool and Tetrahydrofuran all meet the proper abrasion requirements. Anything less isn’t going to give you the newborn infant skin that you crave!
  7. Not carving out enough “you time” in a day. Many women make the stupid assumption that they only need an hour or two to get ready in the morning. Rome wasn’t built with a quick shower and light dusting of bronzer, and neither should you be. You have a long day ahead of you, so your morning beauty routine ought to reflect that.  How long are you planning on being seen in public today? That’s the amount of time it should take you to get ready.
  8. Not finding the right hydration balance. Hydrated skin is great, but a hydrated body can cause bloating and overall hideousness. That’s why we recommend taking water pills every few hours. It will help you naturally expel any moisture that your body might be desperately retaining to function properly and keep your face looking gaunt and gorg. To keePapaya_Beauty_Tips-01p your skin from cracking and becoming severely discolored, we recommend slathering on coconut oil!
  9. Wasting your waste. A facial of 2 tbsp. urine and 1/3 cup feces can give you results almost as effective as a traditional mask made with honey. Add in some semen for your boyfriend’s pleasure 😉
  10. Having any form of body hair.  Many of you make the mistake of thinking that body hair on women is natural.  If that were true, then why do we have the instinct to shave it? We’re smooth and sexy and men are rugged and hairy. So, embrace Mother Nature and liberate yourself from every pesky hair below the eyebrows.
  11. Thin, old lady lips. With all the different lip plumping methods out there these days, no one should have anything but a perfect pout. For those who want to avoid going under the knife, try this simple at-home treatment: repeatedly stab the entire surface of your lips with a needle. Immediately after, vigorously rub a combination habanero chili and cayenne pepper paste (recipe here) on your kisser. Ooh la la!

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

Creative Director/Author/Fashionista
Christien Mozzarti

“La Mer face cream got me where I am today.” Christien Mozzarti, an industry authority,  first began his career in the fashion business in the early 1990s. Over the last decade, he’s proven himself time and time again as a fabulous expert in women’s clothing, fashion, and style.  After meeting his wife, Samantha Miranda, he began to understand their minds, as well. It was at this time he started writing a column on vaginal health and maintenance for Lip Service, causing a rise in the sale of douches, douche bags, and douche nozzles. To honor Mozzarti’s douching efforts, the American Council of Gynecology awarded him with a top spot on the List of Worst Enemies to Vaginas Worldwide. The subsequent controversy only propelled Mozzarti’s career further. Outside of helping to advance women’s style rights, he collects antique Cher memorabilia and kitsch gay pornography.