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Quiz: Are You Pretty?

16 Jun

1. What is your BMI ?

A) Underweight (18.5 or below – you go, girl!)

B) Basic Bitch (18.5 – 24.9)

C) Unlovable (25+)

2. And your age?

A) Cute (19 yrs or younger)

B) Fading (20 -25 yrs)

C) Waste of space (26+ yrs)

3. How often do you wear makeup?

A) Always. I sleep and shower in it.

B) Most days I wear at least some form of makeup to cover imperfections and shame.

C) When I feel like it or hardly ever. Either way, I love the skin I’m in!

4. How’s your relationship with your father?

A) Poor – We don’t have a relationship or we have stopped speaking because I’m not attractive enough.

B) OK – We don’t have a great relationship, but I’ve worked through a lot of my issues and accept that I have an Electra Complex.

C) Great! My dad loves me unconditionally.

5. How often do you think about your weight or diet?

A) I’m sorry, what? I was counting calories…

B) More often than I care to admit. But I’m trying to develop a healthier body image and eating habits, no matter what hurtful comments my mom makes about my midsection.

C) I try my best to be healthy and love myself at any size.

6. How many products are used in your skin regimen?

A) All of them.

B) Three to six: Wash, tone, moisturize, eye cream… that sort of thing.

C) Not many. I think a lot of the beauty products marketed towards women are made up of pseudo-science claims that promote insecurity, unrealistic beauty ideals, and an unhealthy fear of aging.

7. How often are you catcalled by men on the street?

A) Omg, all the time. I think it’s super flattering. They’re just letting you know you’re doing something right!

B) Omg, all the time. But that’s life!

C) Omg, all the time. I find it disrespectful and, at times, threatening.

8. Do you think you’re pretty?

A) No… do yoouuu think I’m pretty???

B) Strangely, I feel prettiest on months when my Lip Service Magazine subscription gets sent to the wrong address.

C) Sure! I think everyone’s beautiful and deserves to feel beautiful.

Tags: beauty, feminism, feminist, health, humor, quiz, satire, women's beauty

Comments 1 Comment
Categories Health and Beauty, Quiz
Author Samantha Miranda

Be All That You Can Pee: Beauty Tips and Tricks You Can Make in Your Own Home!

1 Nov

urine face cleansing treatment for lip service

What if we told you that the answer to nature’s call (for women to look better) was in the call of nature all along? Well, urine luck! Because pee is having a major moment. That’s right, you’re just a bathroom break away from becoming a better you, inside and out. Here’s our list of the best and brightest at-home urinal treatments:

Number One. Ready to relieve yourself of your hideous, repugnant, disgusting weight and become a societal winner? Of course you are!! Lose the Listerine and trade it in for some top-notch tinkle to become a thinner, prettier, more valuable woman. Just gargle with your pisspee before every meal to suppress your appetite and naturally stave off hunger pangs.

2. Fountain of Youth. Dull, aging skin? Sprinkle your tinkle in a large tight-seal Tupperware container. After letting it sit under direct sunlight for 6 days (leave out longer for more noticeable results), dunk your face directly into your peelightful home-made astringent, holding your breath for as long as possible. Make sure that your entire face is submerged in oui oui to get the most out of this youthanizing treatment!

3. Wizz Whiz. Ever wonder where the expression “powder my nose” came from? Us too! But next time you take a trip to the toilet, run to the restroom, prance to the potty, bounce to the baño, or leap to the loo, remember that urine acts as a natural mattifyer, absorbing unsightly oil as it dries on your skin. So, think twice before clogging your pores with cakey, chalky powder and, instead, reach within reach of your rear for some Grade A fountain dew.

4. Tea Pee. Feeling sluggish? When you feel tired, it shows and a wee bit more wee in your diet could make all the difference. An all-natural Arnold Palmer made with nature’s lemonade might be just what you need to beat that 3pm fatigue. Just mix one part #1 with one part organic fennel spiced amphetamine salts and you’re off!

5. Golden Shower. The easiest way to fit in your daily urine requirement is to have someone else do it for you! Allow yourself to be a little selfish today by asking your boyfriend to hose you down after sex with a revitalizing rinse of pure pee gold, à la R.Kelly. Leave the treatment in while you run errands. Everyone will be asking what you’re doing differently 😉

6. Whittle your Middle with Piddle. Urine could possibly have a chemical that scientists haven’t discovered yet that perhaps might, potentially, reduce pesky abdominal fat, maybe. Only time will tell! But in the meantime, why risk it? Slather your stomach with sprinkle for a potentially, imaginably tighter tummy.

7. Gladder Bladder. Occasionally, beauty comes from within. Not in the juice cleansing way, but in the ecological way. Being environmentally conscious makes you look more appealing to others and is extremely on trend right now. Remind people of what a good person you are by becoming an activist. Give your pee to the homeless in little Styrofoam cups. Fill your SUV with canisters of pee to drop off at the Salvation Army. Send your pee to Africa. (Lip Tip! Buy bottled water in bulk, empty the contents, and fill them with your weezy to ensure you won’t waste a precious drip during transportation overseas.) Every little bit counts. And remember, waste is only waste if you waste it 😉

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick. After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice. A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

Tags: beauty advice, feminism, feminist, humor, satire, weight loss, women, women's beauty

Comments 6 Comments
Categories Health and Beauty, Numbered Lists, Numbered Lists, Weight Loss
Author Samantha Miranda

11 Beauty Mistakes You’re Probably Making

31 Mar

Not wearing makeup. Here at Lip Service, we think it should be illegal.
Doing Your Own Nails. Never try to perform a manicure or pedicure on yourself. Even if you have the technical skills to give yourself a set of fab fingers, don’t! It makes you look below your class and pathetic. There are certain…types…of people whose livelihoods depend on scraping your calluses.
Not exploring facial tattoos.
Forgetting to tape your skin back. There’s no excuse for looking old! Especially when one can use dental floss and masking tape to yank the skin from the temples back, giving the illusion of a hot n taut, youthful face.
Tuning Out Your Ta-Tas. A lot of you gals haven’t even heard of breast slapping outside of the bedroom. But breast slapping is a real treatment that can make your moomelons swell a full cup size!
Using the wrong exfoliant. We’re shocked at the number of woeful women who think apricot scrub is actually going to rid them of their disgusting, microscopic pieces of dead flesh. Acetone vapor baths, steel wool and Tetrahydrofuran all meet the proper abrasion requirements. Anything less isn’t going to give you the newborn infant skin that you crave!
Not carving out enough “you time” in a day. Many women make the stupid assumption that they only need an hour or two to get ready in the morning. Rome wasn’t built with a quick shower and light dusting of bronzer, and neither should you be. You have a long day ahead of you, so your morning beauty routine ought to reflect that. How long are you planning on being seen in public today? That’s the amount of time it should take you to get ready.
Not finding the right hydration balance. Hydrated skin is great, but a hydrated body can cause bloating and overall hideousness. That’s why we recommend taking water pills every few hours. It will help you naturally expel any moisture that your body might be desperately retaining to function properly and keep your face looking gaunt and gorg. To keep your skin from cracking and becoming severely discolored, we recommend slathering on coconut oil!
Wasting your waste. A facial of 2 tbsp. urine and 1/3 cup feces can give you results almost as effective as a traditional mask made with honey. Add in some semen for your boyfriend’s pleasure 😉
Having any form of body hair. Many of you make the mistake of thinking that body hair on women is natural. If that were true, then why do we have the instinct to shave it? We’re smooth and sexy and men are rugged and hairy. So, embrace Mother Nature and liberate yourself from every pesky hair below the eyebrows.
Thin, old lady lips. With all the different lip plumping methods out there these days, no one should have anything but a perfect pout. For those who want to avoid going under the knife, try this simple at-home treatment: repeatedly stab the entire surface of your lips with a needle. Immediately after, vigorously rub a combination habanero chili and cayenne pepper paste (recipe here) on your kisser. Ooh la la!

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick. After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice. A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

Creative Director/Author/Fashionista
Christien Mozzarti

“La Mer face cream got me where I am today.” Christien Mozzarti, an industry authority, first began his career in the fashion business in the early 1990s. Over the last decade, he’s proven himself time and time again as a fabulous expert in women’s clothing, fashion, and style. After meeting his wife, Samantha Miranda, he began to understand their minds, as well. It was at this time he started writing a column on vaginal health and maintenance for Lip Service, causing a rise in the sale of douches, douche bags, and douche nozzles. To honor Mozzarti’s douching efforts, the American Council of Gynecology awarded him with a top spot on the List of Worst Enemies to Vaginas Worldwide. The subsequent controversy only propelled Mozzarti’s career further. Outside of helping to advance women’s style rights, he collects antique Cher memorabilia and kitsch gay pornography.