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How to Vote for Him in Style!

23 Jul

voting  lipservicemag

Electoral Debut. This is your big chance to get discovered! Treat it like any other Hollywood premiere and come in your very best. Just don’t make the mistake of going in the voting booth, then no one will see you!

Bill of Rights. Find the Anthony Weiner of your district. Once he shows you his, you can show him your… bills! Blackmail him into paying, or the peener goes public!

Rock the Tote. This primary, vote for Donald in style! Carry all of your boyfriend/father/brother’s suggestions in a fab birkin bag, so you won’t forget this time 😉

sarah palin bikiniBalance of Power Suit.  If election season has taught us anything, it’s that bossy is bitchy! The last thing any man wants to wake up to is a naggy haggy Hilary. Soften your appearance with Palin-approved pearls and a pouty pink lip!  And, remember, no one likes a bupkis Bernie!

Absentee Vote. The best way to send the message that you’re too good for voting is by not voting at all! Use the time you got off work to cast your ballot to get a fab mani/pedi instead. You’d be doing your country a disservice if you DIDN’T; those cuticles are out of control, fugglefists! 

Bill of Tight Tushie. Want his vote of approval? Then tighten your tushie, tubby! Try our Skenny Betch Tips to Looking Fab (For Him)

Opinion Polling. When a line starts forming on voting day, now’s your chance to get as many opinions as possible on an outfit (or a boyfriend) that you’re not sure about. They’ll be grateful to you for making their lives more interesting.  

To Catch a Senator. Polling results are in. The conclusion? Politicians are perverts! Catch your own with a lusty look straight from the dominatrix den that’ll whip him straight into the hearts of the American people!

Legal Voting Age. By voting, you admit you’re old enough to be someone’s mother. Pathetic!

Civic Booty.  Politicians are positively powerful…and you’re just an itty witty citizen. Serve him so he can serve the people. Ooh, happy birthday, Mr. Pwesident. 

Pres-i-duh!  Above all else, always remember your #1 duty as a patriot: Don’t be a downer, ladies! 😉 

woman with american flag lipservice

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Beautiful or Busted: Who Wore it Better?

23 Mar

Mindy Kaling Frozen Elsa

Who wore it better: comedy queen Mindy Kaling or beautiful, blonde bombshell Elsa? While both ladies were rocking blue frocks and side braid, something about Mindy’s look comes off unnatural and contrived, compared to Elsa’s effortless Disney Diva style. While Mindy tried to keep it real, the whole getup needs a reality check! Elsa’s youthful glow and light luscious locks aren’t trying to be pretty, they ARE pretty! Nice try Mindy. But, next time, don’t try so hard!

The Cat’s Meow: Tips & Tricks from Our Feline Friends

11 Nov katty catty purry pur put

1. Let the Cat out of the Bag. What says “I’m single” more than a prominent display of your meowmix? Nothing! Let out your inner pussy and entice his big dog by wearing hot pants so short your labia majora is front & center, and in the right side of your Forever 21 romper. Who wears short shorts? Your meow-meow does!!

LIP SERV CAT2. Cat Got Your Tongue? What’s worse than a bad blow job? A boring blowjob. Don’t make him leave you over a humdrum hummer. Show man’s best friend that you can play ruff too, by getting creative with sandpapurrr. Simply roll a piece in your mouth to mimic the texture of a cat’s tongue… Meow you got the idea!

3. CAT Scan.  It’s a cat-eat-cat world out there. Always remember: every woman around you is just waiting to claw you in the back!  Stay alert by looking over your competition as you enter a room, hizing (hissing with your eyes) at the cat competition that you admire or could learn from the most.  And remember: Keep your ‘crylics sharp, kitties! It’s scratching season 😉

4. Keyboard Cat. Got a workaholic on your puss? Here’s where your Kegels come into play: Next time he’s trying to respond to an “important” e-mail, gingerly pull yourself atop his desk and crawl across his lap.  Gaze into his eyes and put your puss in prime position to seductively spell out something sexy on his keyboard.  Say “love” with your eyes and “lust” with your labes.  Throw in some purring sounds and it’s sure to give his pooch nine lives.

lip service sexy cat-015. Feral Cat. Show him that you’re not some tame tabby with some primitive puma power plays. Unleash your inner wild cat and paw at his penis till it’s pawsitively red. Meow you’re ready to take it to the next level: bite the back of his neck unexpectedly during foreplay and screech. Get ready for a stream of catastrophic cream! Lick lick, kitty want milk 😉

6. Schrodinger’s Cat. Lock yourself into a steel chamber for some much needed R&R and an even more needed at-home hydrocyanic acid treatment. Is your body at rest or at work getting beautiful? Nobody knows. And remember: Don’t forget your hammer! 😉 😉 😉

7. Cat’s Cradle. Is your canine crush losing interest? Keep him from barking up the wrong tree by maintaining your flirty feline figure, even while catnapping. Burn more calories while you sleep by negotiating yourself onto a windowsill or in a routinely used walkway. Not burning off that cat snack fast enough? Try napping in oncoming traffic!

8. Domestic Cat. Fulfill every man’s fantasy by never leaving the house and spending all of your time in his lap. He’ll know what to do.

9. The Very Best of Cat Stevens. Did you know that cat caca contains ammonia and living parasites? It’s called toxoplasmosis and it’ll bust up, tear through, and eat away at even the most stubborn of pore-clogging bacteria. So, face down in some gently used kitty litter for an uplifting feline fecal facial.

10. Cat Food. Here’s a game that’s fun for him and fit for you.  Trim your tush with training by letting your pooch pal reward you when you’re being good with kitty cat snacks, your only source of food.  Every time you make his dog bark, he’ll make your stomach meow… for more food!

11. Stray Cat Strut. Not getting much play? Nothing sends the message that you’re on the prowl more than vulnerability. Try walking a block around your apartment with a sad, lost, frightened look on your face. You’ll be shocked by the sheer amount of catcallers that’ll chase you down! And, after, you’ll have your choice of who’s going to help you find your way home, thanks to this little game of cat and mouse 😉

12. Cat’s Whiskers. Not ready to commit to a Brazilian? Obviously, no girl wants to look like Gloria Steinem down there, but sometimes we’re just not ready to shave our whole cat clean. Luckily, there IS a happy medium for all you wax-shy Lip Servers out there! Pussify your puss by plucking out all but 4 pubic hairs from each side of your labia majora to resemble cat whiskers.  It’s cute, it’s functional, and most importantly, it’s hot.

lip service sexy cat

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

Creative Director/Author/Fashionista
Christien Mozzarti

“La Mer face cream got me where I am today.” Christien Mozzarti, an industry authority,  first began his career in the fashion business in the early 1990s. Over the last decade, he’s proven himself time and time again as a fabulous expert in women’s clothing, fashion, and style.  After meeting his wife, Samantha Miranda, he began to understand their minds, as well. It was at this time he started writing a column on vaginal health and maintenance for Lip Service, causing a rise in the sale of douches, douche bags, and douche nozzles. To honor Mozzarti’s douching efforts, the American Council of Gynecology awarded him with a top spot on the List of Worst Enemies to Vaginas Worldwide. The subsequent controversy only propelled Mozzarti’s career further. Outside of helping to advance women’s style rights, he collects antique Cher memorabilia and kitsch gay pornography.

She’s a Fall Wonder: Fall for Fall with These Fall of Fame Lip Tips!

31 Oct pumpkins lady

Fall fashion is a cornucopia of possibilities! Fashion-forward with these simple fash-in tips:

pumpkin funGolden Girl. Just because your beach days are coming to a close doesn’t mean you have lose that healthy sun-kissed glow! Try a self-tanner; we like GlowBaby by Antoneei Giadalalentis (Sephora, $79.99). Make sure you pre-treat for an even application by removing the top seven to ten layers of your skin with an at-home microdermabrasion kit; check out the Smoothsonic DermaCleanse System (saksfifthavenue.com, $399; additional brush heads are $85 each).

Pump It Up! No one looks better taking selfies in the swirling, falling leaves of an oak tree with a tastefully-sweatered date than a lady who’s just had her lips plumped! Collagen injections are getting sexier, safer, and, luckily for us, cheaper– most surgeons offer syringes from $450-600.

It’s Just a Blade. Fall is a great time to think about adding to your nip/tuck honey fund, and it’s never too early to start putting aside some of your allowance for your pre-beach season procedures and recovery. If you let this one slip, you might not find any paws in your honey, girl!

cuuute outfitKeep it Shiny! Drier weather means staving off chapped, cracked, un-kissable lips. Try an autismal-flavored lip balm! We like Sephora’s SuperGloss D-Stix® in original flavors like Persimmon Mint Lust and Chocolate Clove Cupcake Thrust ($24.95 each). And never get caught without lip gloss – just think of your favorite Stars Without Makeup photos, if you need a little motivation 😉  Plus, tasting like a cinnamon-dusted pumpkin patch is sure to draw a gentleman in from the frost! Oh!

Search and Destroy. When you’re out with the girls shopping for your new seasonal threads, use fashion itself to snag that gotta-have-it item. If you come across a fellow shopper reaching for that same-sized, dull orange cashmere capelet, be resourceful and slam your stiletto on their closest foot, preferably the bony top side. Don’t be shy — the extra-smalls always go first!

Know the Rules. Understanding the consequences of committing a fashion faux-pas is crucial to building your customized wardrobe. Ignoring the laws can lead you down a path of sadness and injustice — men will never appreciate you if you appear unattractive and women will certainly scoff. With that in mind:

Help Others. Remember that it’s your duty to remind other women of the fashion rules. If you spot another lady erroneously mixing-and-matching any of her clothing items (or shoes! Let’s not forget shoes!), be sure to gently inform her of her mistake by telling her something like, “Nice jeans” in a snide tone or try an underhanded compliment — these skills pay for themselves. 😉

giltter-pumpkin-girl-01Keep It Simple, Stupid! If you’re sexy enough to have one, ask your man if your outfit is hot enough! After all, that’s what it’s really all about!

Set Goals. Accepting that your body has unfixable flaws and deformities that no combination of clothing can hide is the first step toward becoming a fashionista. You can learn to camouflage your weak spots by following these and other Lip Tips. And, even when you think you’re looking your best, there will always be another woman in stilettos ready to stomp you back into Fuglytown. Be prepared and keep reading Lip Service!

Most importantly, remember to have fun!

 

Beautiful or Busted: Who Wore it Better?

5 Sep

Beautiful or Busted Kim K and Kristin Bell

With motherhood becoming a more and more popular trend among celebrity fashionistas, babies are having a serious moment.  The It accessory can be seen in the arms of trendsetters around the globe. Teen pregnancies are high, abortion clinics are “out”, and even Hobby Lobby is scoring some much needed style points. Here, Kim K. rocks her baby accessory like a true style star! She pairs her first born with a sexy, attention grabbing open blazer and nothing underneath. Kim’s barely-there ensemble, voluminous hair and glossy pink pout, make it clear that she’s wearing her baby and not letting the baby wear her.

Kristen Bell has an infant too, but you wouldn’t guess it from this getup! The star looks manly without her baby and is making it worse by covering up all her curves! The former Veronica Mars star is so fashionably challenged that she’s even gone so far as to launch a campaign against paparazzi who stalk and harass children to get photos. Kristen, by leaving your child at home you send the message that your baby is ugly and you think you’re too good for it. Someone needs a  refresher course in style!

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Make Sure YOU’RE Remembered This Memorial Day!

26 May

Lip Service Memorial Day Outfit