Lip Service

1. Let the Cat out of the Bag. What says “I’m single” more than a prominent display of your meowmix? Nothing! Let out your inner pussy and entice his big dog by wearing hot pants so short your labia majora is front & center, and in the right side of your Forever 21 romper. Who wears short shorts? Your meow-meow does!!

2. Cat Got Your Tongue? What’s worse than a bad blow job? A boring blowjob. Don’t make him leave you over a humdrum hummer. Show man’s best friend that you can play ruff too, by getting creative with sandpapurrr. Simply roll a piece in your mouth to mimic the texture of a cat’s tongue… Meow you got the idea!

3. CAT Scan.  It’s a cat-eat-cat world out there. Always remember: every woman around you is just waiting to claw you in the back!  Stay alert by looking over your competition as you enter a room, hizing (hissing with your eyes) at the cat competition that you admire or could learn from the most.  And remember: Keep your ‘crylics sharp, kitties! It’s scratching season 😉

4. Keyboard Cat. Got a workaholic on your puss? Here’s where your Kegels come into play: Next time he’s trying to respond to an “important” e-mail, gingerly pull yourself atop his desk and crawl across his lap.  Gaze into his eyes and put your puss in prime position to seductively spell out something sexy on his keyboard.  Say “love” with your eyes and “lust” with your labes.  Throw in some purring sounds and it’s sure to give his pooch nine lives.

5. Feral Cat. Show him that you’re not some tame tabby with some primitive puma power plays. Unleash your inner wild cat and paw at his penis till it’s pawsitively red. Meow you’re ready to take it to the next level: bite the back of his neck unexpectedly during foreplay and screech. Get ready for a stream of catastrophic cream! Lick lick, kitty want milk 😉

6. Schrodinger’s Cat. Lock yourself into a steel chamber for some much needed R&R and an even more needed at-home hydrocyanic acid treatment. Is your body at rest or at work getting beautiful? Nobody knows. And remember: Don’t forget your hammer! 😉 😉 😉

7. Cat’s Cradle. Is your canine crush losing interest? Keep him from barking up the wrong tree by maintaining your flirty feline figure, even while catnapping. Burn more calories while you sleep by negotiating yourself onto a windowsill or in a routinely used walkway. Not burning off that cat snack fast enough? Try napping in oncoming traffic!

8. Domestic Cat. Fulfill every man’s fantasy by never leaving the house and spending all of your time in his lap. He’ll know what to do.

9. The Very Best of Cat Stevens. Did you know that cat caca contains ammonia and living parasites? It’s called toxoplasmosis and it’ll bust up, tear through, and eat away at even the most stubborn of pore-clogging bacteria. So, face down in some gently used kitty litter for an uplifting feline fecal facial.

10. Cat Food. Here’s a game that’s fun for him and fit for you.  Trim your tush with training by letting your pooch pal reward you when you’re being good with kitty cat snacks, your only source of food.  Every time you make his dog bark, he’ll make your stomach meow… for more food!

11. Stray Cat Strut. Not getting much play? Nothing sends the message that you’re on the prowl more than vulnerability. Try walking a block around your apartment with a sad, lost, frightened look on your face. You’ll be shocked by the sheer amount of catcallers that’ll chase you down! And, after, you’ll have your choice of who’s going to help you find your way home, thanks to this little game of cat and mouse 😉

12. Cat’s Whiskers. Not ready to commit to a Brazilian? Obviously, no girl wants to look like Gloria Steinem down there, but sometimes we’re just not ready to shave our whole cat clean. Luckily, there IS a happy medium for all you wax-shy Lip Servers out there! Pussify your puss by plucking out all but 4 pubic hairs from each side of your labia majora to resemble cat whiskers.  It’s cute, it’s functional, and most importantly, it’s hot.

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

Creative Director/Author/Fashionista
Christien Mozzarti

“La Mer face cream got me where I am today.” Christien Mozzarti, an industry authority,  first began his career in the fashion business in the early 1990s. Over the last decade, he’s proven himself time and time again as a fabulous expert in women’s clothing, fashion, and style.  After meeting his wife, Samantha Miranda, he began to understand their minds, as well. It was at this time he started writing a column on vaginal health and maintenance for Lip Service, causing a rise in the sale of douches, douche bags, and douche nozzles. To honor Mozzarti’s douching efforts, the American Council of Gynecology awarded him with a top spot on the List of Worst Enemies to Vaginas Worldwide. The subsequent controversy only propelled Mozzarti’s career further. Outside of helping to advance women’s style rights, he collects antique Cher memorabilia and kitsch gay pornography.

Tags: #beautytips, #cat, #cats, #kitty, #pussy, #relationships, #weightloss, advice, feminism, humor, satire