Tag Archives: feminist

How to Vote for Him in Style!

23 Jul

voting  lipservicemag

Electoral Debut. This is your big chance to get discovered! Treat it like any other Hollywood premiere and come in your very best. Just don’t make the mistake of going in the voting booth, then no one will see you!

Bill of Rights. Find the Anthony Weiner of your district. Once he shows you his, you can show him your… bills! Blackmail him into paying, or the peener goes public!

Rock the Tote. This primary, vote for Donald in style! Carry all of your boyfriend/father/brother’s suggestions in a fab birkin bag, so you won’t forget this time 😉

sarah palin bikiniBalance of Power Suit.  If election season has taught us anything, it’s that bossy is bitchy! The last thing any man wants to wake up to is a naggy haggy Hilary. Soften your appearance with Palin-approved pearls and a pouty pink lip!  And, remember, no one likes a bupkis Bernie!

Absentee Vote. The best way to send the message that you’re too good for voting is by not voting at all! Use the time you got off work to cast your ballot to get a fab mani/pedi instead. You’d be doing your country a disservice if you DIDN’T; those cuticles are out of control, fugglefists! 

Bill of Tight Tushie. Want his vote of approval? Then tighten your tushie, tubby! Try our Skenny Betch Tips to Looking Fab (For Him)

Opinion Polling. When a line starts forming on voting day, now’s your chance to get as many opinions as possible on an outfit (or a boyfriend) that you’re not sure about. They’ll be grateful to you for making their lives more interesting.  

To Catch a Senator. Polling results are in. The conclusion? Politicians are perverts! Catch your own with a lusty look straight from the dominatrix den that’ll whip him straight into the hearts of the American people!

Legal Voting Age. By voting, you admit you’re old enough to be someone’s mother. Pathetic!

Civic Booty.  Politicians are positively powerful…and you’re just an itty witty citizen. Serve him so he can serve the people. Ooh, happy birthday, Mr. Pwesident. 

Pres-i-duh!  Above all else, always remember your #1 duty as a patriot: Don’t be a downer, ladies! 😉 

woman with american flag lipservice

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Quiz: Are You Pretty?

16 Jun

woman wondering is she's pretty1. What is your BMI ?

A)     Underweight (18.5 or below – you go, girl!)

B)     Basic Bitch (18.5 – 24.9)

C)     Unlovable (25+)

 

2. And your age?

A)     Cute (19 yrs or younger)

B)     Fading (20 -25 yrs)

C)     Waste of space  (26+ yrs)

 

3. How often do you wear makeup?

A)     Always. I sleep and shower in it.

B)     Most days I wear at least some form of makeup to cover imperfections and shame.

C)     When I feel like it or hardly ever. Either way, I love the skin I’m in!

Woman-Asking-Question

4. How’s your relationship with your father?

A)     Poor – We don’t have a relationship or we have stopped speaking because I’m not attractive enough.

B)     OK – We don’t have a great relationship, but I’ve worked through a lot of my issues and accept that I have an Electra Complex.

C)     Great! My dad loves me unconditionally.

 

5. How often do you think about your weight or diet?

A)     I’m sorry, what? I was counting calories…

B)     More often than I care to admit. But I’m trying to develop a healthier body image and eating habits, no matter what hurtful comments my mom makes about my midsection.

C)     I try my best to be healthy and love myself at any size.

 

6. How many products are used in your skin regimen?

A)     All of them.

B)     Three to six: Wash, tone, moisturize, eye cream… that sort of thing.

C)     Not many. I think a lot of the beauty products marketed towards women are made up of pseudo-science claims that promote insecurity, unrealistic beauty ideals, and an unhealthy fear of aging.

 

how pretty are you quiz7. How often are you catcalled by men on the street?

A)     Omg, all the time. I think it’s super flattering. They’re just letting you know you’re doing something right!

B)     Omg, all the time. But that’s life!

C)     Omg, all the time. I find it disrespectful and, at times, threatening.

 

8. Do you think you’re pretty?

A)     No… do yoouuu think I’m pretty???

B)     Strangely, I feel prettiest on months when my Lip Service Magazine subscription gets sent to the wrong address.

C)     Sure! I think everyone’s beautiful and deserves to feel beautiful.

 

lip service beauty quiz

DSM Diva: 15 Lip Tips that’ll Have You Committed!

8 Apr dsn diva header

If Girl, Interrupted taught us anything, it’s that crazy girls are crazy hot! Want men to romanticize you with roses and the “crazy chicks are the best in bed” label? Then follow along with these Lip Tips, sure to make you the star of the psych ward!

1. Bi-Polar. Nothing says “I’m single” like an attention grabbing makeout sesh with another lady!!! Next time you lock eyes with him, quickly lock lips with her, so he knows you’re interested!

2. Little Miss Munchausen/Munchausen Sweetie Syndrome. Pretend to be mentally disturbed to keep your keeper! Obvs!

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3. Manic-Impression. Make the first impression count with a daintily disrupted display that says “damaged and DTF”: Smeared eyeliner, blistered lips, bruised forearms, unkempt hair, and a shivering hot bod!

4. Attention Deficit Diva.  Say so long to that deficit! Multitask in style, but more importantly, obtain a ‘script for your special needs… to lose weight and gain attention! 😉 😉 😉

crazy.girl lip service mag5. Faux-bia. Need the spotlight on the spot? Next time you’re going ignored in a group, try this quick fix: Screech loudly and point at something in your vicinity, like a blemish on your friend’s face. Apologize for making such a scene and proceed to open up about your trauma for as long as you can stretch it. Add tears and a trembling, glossy lip to complete your ensem’!

6. Dissociative Me, Myself, and Identity Disorder. Don’t rely on the same Plain Jane identity as yesterday. She’s inherently bad and does bad things, after all. You should forget her. Her who? That’s the spirit!  Switch things up until you’re someone that he finds attractive!

7. Klepto-man-iac. Can’t find a man of your own? That’s what your friends’ are for!

8. Anorexia Mimosa. There’s a scientific reason you feel so good getting drinks with the girls, and it’s not because of those hags you hang out with! Alcohol gives you a radiant flush and its diuretic properties battle the bloat and you, obviously, can’t eat with a vodka redbull in your mouth! Plus, it makes barhopping with your band of backstabbing basic bitches more bearable. We’ll drink to that!

9. De-men-tia. Holding out for someone who will love you at any size? Forget it: You’re not gonna get married before your 21st birthday with that attitude! Just go with the last guy. That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

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10. Obsessively Compulsively Dissuasive Disorder. As our readers know, the easiest way to build confidence and love the skin you’re in is through the act of repeatedly, incessantly, and constantly inhibiting others! Next time your gal pal looks hot, advise her to change and maybe stay in for the night. Follow up with a text later, reminding her why she needs to cover up. And an email in the morning, to be on the safe side. Stay on top of her and be persistent. But, remember, don’t push too hard or you could have an Agore-a-cutie on your hands!

11. Agore-a-cutie! Don’t let a needy job, family, or social obligations get in the way of what’s really important to you! Avoid judgement and pore-clogging germs, and ensure you always look your best by reserving enough time at home to perform a half-a-day beauty regime. Look to Lip Service or GOOP to find a plan that works for you! We recommend our Fast-mask-wash-purge-exfoliate-sprint-clean-extract-moisturize-repeat Cleanse!

crazy sexy girl lip service 12. Schizooohh. Nothing sets the mood like being watched. And, lucky for you, you’re always being watched! But, sometimes, the best way to turn him, and Them, on comes from within! Listen to that little voice inside you for guidance next time he’s inside you. But which he?!

13. Manic Monday. Mondays are the worst… the last thing the office needs is you showing up looking bloated! Begin your day with a diet plan that’ll jump start the rest of your week’s weight loss: Take a break from food and focus on something more productive, like shopping!  Shop, shop, shop…shop until you drop! More, more, more… so you never feel bored!! Buy, buy, buy… you’re a secret spy!!! Spy, spy, spy… because only you can fly!!! No one can stop you, not until you’re blue. No one can stop you because YOU’RE GOD.

14. Borderline Purse-onality Disorder. Psycho-ordinate your purses with your mood! Or at least the mood you want people to think you’re in… or the mood you’re in when you trick people into thinking that’s the mood you want people to think you’re in! Oops, was that on purpose???!!!??

15. Delusionaughty. Don’t dress for the man you have, dress for the man you want. Be the man you want. A naughty man… for your man. Policeman, Fireman, Superman, Salesman, Astronaut Man, Doctor Man, Pilot Man, Presi-don’t go there girlfriend, he’s taken… by you! You’re under arrest – for naughty.

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

Beautiful or Busted: Who Wore it Better?

23 Mar

Mindy Kaling Frozen Elsa

Who wore it better: comedy queen Mindy Kaling or beautiful, blonde bombshell Elsa? While both ladies were rocking blue frocks and side braid, something about Mindy’s look comes off unnatural and contrived, compared to Elsa’s effortless Disney Diva style. While Mindy tried to keep it real, the whole getup needs a reality check! Elsa’s youthful glow and light luscious locks aren’t trying to be pretty, they ARE pretty! Nice try Mindy. But, next time, don’t try so hard!

Lip Service Workout Playlist: 16 Tracks to Tighten Your Tush to

18 Mar perfect workout playlist

Be All That You Can Pee: Beauty Tips and Tricks You Can Make in Your Own Home!

1 Nov urine face cleansing treatment for lip service

What if we told you that the answer to nature’s call (for women to look better) was in the call of nature all along? Well, urine luck! Because pee is having a major moment. That’s right, you’re just a bathroom break away from becoming a better you, inside and out. Here’s our list of the best and brightest at-home urinal treatments:

Number One. Ready to relieve yourself of your hideous, repugnant, disgusting weight and become a societal winner? Of course you are!!  Lose the Listerine and trade it in for some top-notch tinkle to become a thinner, prettier, more valuable woman. Just gargle with your pisspee before every meal to suppress your appetite and naturally stave off hunger pangs.

Urine Face Cleanser for Beauty-012. Fountain of Youth. Dull, aging skin? Sprinkle your tinkle in a large tight-seal Tupperware container. After letting it sit under direct sunlight for 6 days (leave out longer for more noticeable results), dunk your face directly into your peelightful home-made astringent, holding your breath for as long as possible. Make sure that your entire face is submerged in oui oui to get the most out of this youthanizing treatment!

3. Wizz Whiz. Ever wonder where the expression “powder my nose” came from? Us too! But next time you take a trip to the toilet, run to the restroom, prance to the potty, bounce to the baño, or leap to the loo, remember that urine acts as a natural mattifyer, absorbing unsightly oil as it dries on your skin. So, think twice before clogging your pores with cakey, chalky powder and, instead, reach within reach of your rear for some Grade A fountain dew. 

drink your own pee diet lip service 14. Tea Pee. Feeling sluggish? When you feel tired, it shows and a wee bit more wee in your diet could make all the difference. An all-natural Arnold Palmer made with nature’s lemonade might be just what you need to beat that 3pm fatigue. Just mix one part #1 with one part organic fennel spiced amphetamine salts and you’re off!

5. Golden Shower. The easiest way to fit in your daily urine requirement is to have someone else do it for you! Allow yourself to be a little selfish today by asking your boyfriend to hose you down after sex with a revitalizing rinse of pure pee gold, à la R.Kelly. Leave the treatment in while you run errands. Everyone will be asking what you’re doing differently 😉

6. Whittle your Middle with Piddle. Urine could possibly have a chemical that scientists haven’t discovered yet that perhaps might, potentially, reduce pesky abdominal fat, maybe. Only time will tell! But in the meantime, why risk it? Slather your stomach with sprinkle for a potentially, imaginably tighter tummy.

7. Gladder Bladder. Occasionally, beauty comes from within. Not in the juice cleansing way, but in the ecological way. Being environmentally conscious makes you look more appealing to others and is extremely on trend right now. Remind people of what a good person you are by becoming an activist. Give your pee to the homeless in little Styrofoam cups. Fill your SUV with canisters of pee to drop off at the Salvation Army. Send your pee to Africa. (Lip Tip! Buy bottled water in bulk, empty the contents, and fill them with your weezy to ensure you won’t waste a precious drip during transportation overseas.) Every little bit counts. And remember, waste is only waste if you waste it 😉

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

Beautiful or Busted: Who Wore it Better?

5 Sep

Beautiful or Busted Kim K and Kristin Bell

With motherhood becoming a more and more popular trend among celebrity fashionistas, babies are having a serious moment.  The It accessory can be seen in the arms of trendsetters around the globe. Teen pregnancies are high, abortion clinics are “out”, and even Hobby Lobby is scoring some much needed style points. Here, Kim K. rocks her baby accessory like a true style star! She pairs her first born with a sexy, attention grabbing open blazer and nothing underneath. Kim’s barely-there ensemble, voluminous hair and glossy pink pout, make it clear that she’s wearing her baby and not letting the baby wear her.

Kristen Bell has an infant too, but you wouldn’t guess it from this getup! The star looks manly without her baby and is making it worse by covering up all her curves! The former Veronica Mars star is so fashionably challenged that she’s even gone so far as to launch a campaign against paparazzi who stalk and harass children to get photos. Kristen, by leaving your child at home you send the message that your baby is ugly and you think you’re too good for it. Someone needs a  refresher course in style!

Beautiful or Busted: Who Wore it Better?

27 Apr

BUSTED MILEY MICHELLE

White is HUGE for spring. We saw this edgy trend start cropping up at Paris Fashion Week and, since then, it’s making it’s way into street style snaps and onto celebrity gods alike. Here we have the lovely Miley rocking a white fishnet dress with tasteful pasties and a fur bolero accent. Très chic! The less stylish Michelle Obama tried, but her tired looking dress with matching jacket looks frumpy and dated and makes us wonder what saggy body parts she’s trying to hide. Better luck next time, Michelle!

On the Lookout for Mr. Right: The 5 Times in Your Day You’ve Been Slacking!

19 Apr

So you’re still single, huh? It’s no wonder: American culture keeps us ladies notoriously busy and there are so many times when we don’t even bother to look our best. We tell ourselves it doesn’t matter that we’re in sweats and a ball cap…it’s just a quick errand, right? WRONG! The perfect guy might always be right around the corner, and, so, a woman needs to be prepared. Don’t let your future husband slip through your fingers just because he met you on a bad face day! Here are the 5 times that you might have found your soul mate, had you been looking your best:

  1. While running errands. You spend a huge chunk of your time going to the post office or the dry cleaners, and guess what, so do single men! ALWAYS put on makeup before you go to the laundromat. I mean, he might see you folding your underwear 😉 Heading to the supermarket? Pushing a shopping cart looks really hot in heels…and he’ll be checking YOU out!!makeup-01
  2. Exercise time! Stash an extra makeup kit in your gym bag, so, even if you’re pressed for time, you’ll always be able to get your game face on! Use waterproof foundation and mascara to prevent your makeup from sweating off. Bonus points if you learn to negotiate the elliptical in those strappy stilettos you have just sitting in your closet. Fierce!
  3. Walking the dog. Don’t think you can slack just because you’re heading to the dog park! Your future mister might be a dog lover too, right? Next time you head out with Fido, try some 90s inspired canine chic by wearing a cute baby doll dress with some big doc martin boots!   Don’t forget a huge flowery purse for all your doggie accessories (and makeup, duh). Groovy!
  4. In the shower. Don’t you wish you’d lose a pound for every time you’ve had to throw on a towel and get the door in the middle of a bath or shower? Girls, that could be him at the door, so don’t ever be unprepared! Keep waterproof eyeliner and lip gloss in the shower next to your body wash or razor. Next time the doorbell rings, you’ll be on point in case it’s your future mister!
  5. Bedtime. Sure, you’re dreaming of him, but what if your house catches on fire and he’s one of the firemen who shows up to put it out? Snag your prince charming! Allot an extra hour to your bedtime routine every night so you can get properly made up before you head off to dreamland. A light coat of baby powder over your finished face will keep some of the makeup from sticking to your pillowcase!

 

Author
Candy DeMarchett

“Beauty outside IS beauty inside.” As former statewide child beauty pageant champion, Candy DeMarschett has been steeped in the world of fashion for basically her entire life. After exhausting the pageant circuit in Tennessee by her late teens, Candy headed west to fulfill her dreams of becoming a writer and a make up artist. After attending Barbazon of Hollywood, Candy then graduated with her Master’s in Literature from CSU Dominguez Hills. In addition to becoming the go to makeup artist for many celebrities of note, including Jenny McCarthy and Janice Dickenson, Candy is the founder and former Chief Editor of Pageant Pretty Magazine, which until recently was the 3rd most popular publication in Georgia. These days, Candy is a devoted stay at home mom with a successful line of child sized press on nails, “KiddieCryllics” which took the nation by storm when they were featured in a segment on the Ricki Lake show. Her greatest hope is that her two children, Sprinkles SaraBella, age 3, and Preston Alistair, age 1, will follow in her glamorous footsteps and one day know the joys of being the prettiest girl in the state.

 

What a 5-Year-Old Boy Knows That You STILL Haven’t Figured Out

6 Apr

We all just want a man’s opinion, especially when it comes to our appearance. But it seems like straight guys never have a space for their voices to be heard and gay men are too similar to women to REALLY know what a guy wants. Well, fret not, Lip Servers, we found a secret weapon…  kids 😉

We set up an interview with one of Hollywood’s brightest child starts, five-year-old Adonis Lopecia. After getting a quick bite to eat at one of LA’s most exclusive raw, macrobiotic restaurants, we took Adonis to Bliss Spa for a facial and to scrub out the dirt on what he thinks makes girls so ugly:

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  1. Boogers.I saw my seat partner eat a booger once and she’s a girl. I told my mommy and mommy said that that’s a really bad thing to do.”  Lip Tip! we’re pleased to hear how many of you are trying out the diet featured in Lip Service last month, but please remember: THE BOOGER DIET SHOULD NOT BE PRACTICED IN PUBLIC. And stop trying to be progressive by calling yourself a seat partner. You’re his girlfriend…own it!
  2. Pink Socks.Pink is a gross girl color. Blue is for boys. My sister Angelina is always leaving her pink socks in my room.” Lip Tip! Where there’s socks, there’s a pair of fugly shoes close behind. Throw out your sensible flats and sneakers and opt for a strappy stiletto instead.
  3. Weird Looking Hair.Girls have stupid weird hair. They tie it like a knot or like try to look like a horse.” Lip Tip! Ponytails make you look manly, like you’re going to go play sports or solve math problems.
  4. They Smell.Ms. Schneider smells like Nana and it makes everyone cough. Daddy says she’s going to die alone in a diaper.” Lip Tip! Your perfume is probably aging you, along with many other factors. The only way to really smell younger is by rubbing your vaginal secretion behind the backs of your ears.
  5. Not Playing It Cool. “I like my Avengers shirt cuz I like Captain America and Iron Man. They’re the best Avengers because they’re really powerful.” Lip Tip! Next date night, dress up as a comic villain and let him live out his childhood dreams by dominating you!
  6. Always Getting Me In Trouble. “Angelina and her friends tell even when I’m not doing anything and she was the one who was spying.” Lip Tip! Don’t get caught going through his emails and texts. Only basic bitches get caught. Are YOU a basic bitch??
  7. Dumb Toys.I don’t like girl toys. They’re always pink and for playing house.” Lip Tip! Switch it up with different colored vibrators. And stop using them for meal preparation. That’s an outdated Lip Tip!