Tag Archives: beauty tips

Love Letters to the Editor: Lip Servers Write In

6 Apr
marty mc

Jon Massey, 27
Greater Chicagoland Area

I should start by saying that my girlfriend and I are huge fans of Lip Service. It really has transformed our lives.  Before we stumbled upon your blog, my girlfriend weighed over a hundred pounds!  Now, she can finally fit into a size zero and I’m hoping she loses some more so we can shop in the kids section for her.  I can’t thank you enough for that!  It’s like I’m actually excited to see her now and not super grossed out or embarrassed to take her out into public.  So, I love all the dieting advice and how much more willing she is to please me.  It’s almost like having a sex slave that doesn’t know that they’re a sex slave!!!  I guess dreams do come true…well, for a while.

What I’m here to complain about is one of your articles from last November and some of the ideas you presented in it for using urine as, like, a beauty thing.  Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of the golden shower (me being the shower and her getting golden [especially if we’re in a hotel in a public place with a big window {nothing feels better than seeing the look on some dudes face that says “man, his bitch will let him piss on him? I wish mine was like that”}]).  So, props for including that golden nugget so that the golden showers have become a regular thing…but no thanks for ANY of the other pissy advice!

Here’s what happened: I went on my yearly retreat with my old frat buddies at a camping site in North Wisconsin.  We call ourselves the “The Man Jocks”.  It’s just a time to get away, hang with the bros, have a few buds, shoot some guns, and kill deer for fun.  Ha, it seems like somebody always gets sick or wounded… this time it was Peter, “Ahhh, I think we didn’t cook Bambi long enough!  I’m pissing blood!”  He said, and Joe was all, “Well, you’ll be shitting blood, too!” and he took this little pen knife and stabbed Peter in the right butt cheek.  Man, we all still joke about that one.  So, we were on our little man-scape for about a week in early November.  I get back to the condo my girl and I had bought and I noticed a couple of jars with something yellow in them on a windowsill.  I ignored those as she immediately wanted sex.  I complied, of course, and I noticed she looked a little more taught.  Her skin was aglow, but, to be honest, she smelled like piss.  I thought maybe I was the one that smelled like piss because I had been camping for a week.  After the sex, she begged me to piss on her.

This was all well and good, but, usually, as long as we weren’t in a hotel, we saved the golden showers for after we’ve had shower sex.  I looked at the bed and decided “why not?”  It wasn’t like I was the one that would be doing the laundry.  So, I pissed all over her thinking that we’d have round two in the shower or something.  This didn’t happen.  She turned her shoulder and went to sleep.  I was confused, slightly disgusted and angry that she wanted sleep more than have another go at it.  Who knew that peeing on your girlfriend would leave you feeling anything but dominant/macho?  After a couple of minutes, I got sick of smelling all the urine on her so I went and took a shower. In the shower, I noticed another jar of something yellow.  I didn’t even know we owned jars!  I opened it up and it was the undeniable sent of urine.  I went over to the windowsill in the living room and opened one of those jars and, it too, had the unmistakable odor of piss.

I needed a beer, what the fuck was going on with my girl?  To my utter disgust, I opened the fridge and saw more of these jars of piss.  Luckily, she had saved me a couple beers.  I cracked one open, chugged it fast, opened another and shut the fridge door.  I noticed something new on the fridge; it was a welcoming sight: a new article from Lip Service.  I was slightly distracted by having chugged a beer and seeing an article from a magazine that has rescued my relationship so many times.  Then, I started to read it.  Was this some kind of sick joke?!?  I mean, your other articles in the past had been solid advice for your basic American girl looking to be a better fit for your basic American bro.  But this? I mean, this article is basically saying your piss, or anyone’s piss, can save you and, the article only stops short of saying it could save the whole world.  I felt betrayed.  I ripped up the article and threw it away.  I opened the door to the bedroom and saw my once beautiful girl in a pissed soaked bed.  I threw out every jar of piss in the condo and drank all the beer and booze at my disposal.  I passed out in the living room watching some Jay Leno reruns.

I woke up to shit being thrown at me. “Where’s my fucking piss?!?!?!?”  She screamed at me, “I’ve been saving those ones on the windowsill for a whole fucking week!!!”  Oh shit, I thought.  Did she just raise her voice to me?  I told her to shut the fuck up and told her she had to cut that fucking piss shit out.  My voice seemed to have set her back inline and she promised to quit the fucking piss shit out.

Things seemed to go back to normal after that.  You know, I would go to work, or go golfing, or hang out with the bros, and I’d come back and everything would be cleaned and she’d be cooking me a hearty dinner while she made plans to mix herself a smoothie.  Then, I took a weekend trip to Vegas for my bro’s bachelor party.  That was epic to say the least!  When I started going through her stuff after the trip, I found a hidden bottle of piss in her dresser.  I looked around the whole condo and found more and even some empty piss bottles hidden in weird places.  She was out picking me up some Chick-fil-A, so I lined up the bottles of piss on the counter and waited for her to get back.  I grabbed some beers and flipped through some of my skin mags while watching some more Jay Leno reruns and playing a bit with my skin flute.  I figured I wouldn’t want to be having sex that night.  My girl might be drowning in her own piss again!  She came back and put the food on the counter next to the bottles of piss.

“What are you going to say?  That they aren’t yours?”  I asked her.

“No, they’re mine.”  She said, as she stared at the floor and started to tear up.

“Dump them out, and sit down.”  I told her.  I was trying to be gentle, but… in all honestly, I just wanted to yell my fucking head off at her till the cops were called.  I grabbed my bucket of chicken bits and sat down and ate as she dumped her piss out in the bathroom, sobbing.  She got down to the last one as I was just about done with my chicken bits.  I noticed she was taking longer for that last jar and that I hadn’t heard anything go into the toilet.  I ran to the bathroom to find her chugging her own piss!  I grabbed the bottle away from her.

“Just a little more, please!  I’m getting so pretty!!!  You’re going to love me forever!!!”

“There are better ways!  Just stick with the diets and the sex!”  I said loudly.  She got quiet and stared harder at the ground.  “Do you have more piss somewhere?”  I asked her. “Do you??” I repeated. Then, she started to really cry.

“Yes…”  she said, through sniffles and sobs.

“Where is it?”  She sadly led me to the guest bedroom’s walk-in closet.  I was horrified… it was like walking into a gas chamber.  She had an actual bathtub installed in the closet with what was undeniably full of piss.  “How the fuck did you fill that whole fucking thing with piss?!?”

“Well…” she said, still crying, “…it’s not all mine.”

“Excuse me, what?  Whose then?!”  I was in shock.

“Well, a couple of the girls come over when you’re at work and we drink water until we’re almost sick and put our piss in there.  We take turns bathing in it.  It’s kind of like a tanning salon, you know?”

“No it’s not! Tanning salons are good and healthy for you and you come out looking gorgeous!  This is just bathing in yours and somebody else’s piss!”  I was mad and grossed out, but I also didn’t want to lose my investment.  I mean, this girl could turn heads.  So, what if she had a secret pee pee problem?  “We’ll get you help, ok?”  I asked her.  She sobbed a bit and nodded in agreement.

After making her find and admit herself to the best 28-day rehab program, and me going through about 2,800 skin mags (HA!), I picked her up from the hospital.  She looked great… well, ok.  She probably had put on five pounds or so, but she didn’t look like a pee bather anymore.  Things have been going alright since the rehab, but, as they told me, “…it’s a long hard road.”  The rehab place wasn’t exactly designed for her specific problem… they dealt more with people that were addicted to port-a-potty baths (I think this stemmed from a Cosmo article that was in the same vein as your piss article).  But, yeah, I have my 83 pound, 5 foot 6 inch girl back, cooking me meals and sucking my dick.  So, I’m not super upset, but you seriously put me through hell and, for that, I will never forgive you.

Also, since I do like your services, I was wondering what the best, or preferred way, was to cum on a girl?  Also, I read an article in the back of one of my skin mags that said they have a pill that can help you produce more jizz-sauce.  Would massive amounts of my happy goop on my girl be a possibly better alternative to her bathing/drinking piss?  Like, could she finally shed that fucking rehab weight?  What the fuck were they feeding her?

PS… I still plan on pissing on her on a regular basis.  Man, you gotta love the golden shower!  Especially when it’s coming from a shower like mine (photos attached)!

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On the Lookout for Mr. Right: The 5 Times in Your Day You’ve Been Slacking!

19 Apr

So you’re still single, huh? It’s no wonder: American culture keeps us ladies notoriously busy and there are so many times when we don’t even bother to look our best. We tell ourselves it doesn’t matter that we’re in sweats and a ball cap…it’s just a quick errand, right? WRONG! The perfect guy might always be right around the corner, and, so, a woman needs to be prepared. Don’t let your future husband slip through your fingers just because he met you on a bad face day! Here are the 5 times that you might have found your soul mate, had you been looking your best:

  1. While running errands. You spend a huge chunk of your time going to the post office or the dry cleaners, and guess what, so do single men! ALWAYS put on makeup before you go to the laundromat. I mean, he might see you folding your underwear 😉 Heading to the supermarket? Pushing a shopping cart looks really hot in heels…and he’ll be checking YOU out!!makeup-01
  2. Exercise time! Stash an extra makeup kit in your gym bag, so, even if you’re pressed for time, you’ll always be able to get your game face on! Use waterproof foundation and mascara to prevent your makeup from sweating off. Bonus points if you learn to negotiate the elliptical in those strappy stilettos you have just sitting in your closet. Fierce!
  3. Walking the dog. Don’t think you can slack just because you’re heading to the dog park! Your future mister might be a dog lover too, right? Next time you head out with Fido, try some 90s inspired canine chic by wearing a cute baby doll dress with some big doc martin boots!   Don’t forget a huge flowery purse for all your doggie accessories (and makeup, duh). Groovy!
  4. In the shower. Don’t you wish you’d lose a pound for every time you’ve had to throw on a towel and get the door in the middle of a bath or shower? Girls, that could be him at the door, so don’t ever be unprepared! Keep waterproof eyeliner and lip gloss in the shower next to your body wash or razor. Next time the doorbell rings, you’ll be on point in case it’s your future mister!
  5. Bedtime. Sure, you’re dreaming of him, but what if your house catches on fire and he’s one of the firemen who shows up to put it out? Snag your prince charming! Allot an extra hour to your bedtime routine every night so you can get properly made up before you head off to dreamland. A light coat of baby powder over your finished face will keep some of the makeup from sticking to your pillowcase!

 

Author
Candy DeMarchett

“Beauty outside IS beauty inside.” As former statewide child beauty pageant champion, Candy DeMarschett has been steeped in the world of fashion for basically her entire life. After exhausting the pageant circuit in Tennessee by her late teens, Candy headed west to fulfill her dreams of becoming a writer and a make up artist. After attending Barbazon of Hollywood, Candy then graduated with her Master’s in Literature from CSU Dominguez Hills. In addition to becoming the go to makeup artist for many celebrities of note, including Jenny McCarthy and Janice Dickenson, Candy is the founder and former Chief Editor of Pageant Pretty Magazine, which until recently was the 3rd most popular publication in Georgia. These days, Candy is a devoted stay at home mom with a successful line of child sized press on nails, “KiddieCryllics” which took the nation by storm when they were featured in a segment on the Ricki Lake show. Her greatest hope is that her two children, Sprinkles SaraBella, age 3, and Preston Alistair, age 1, will follow in her glamorous footsteps and one day know the joys of being the prettiest girl in the state.

 

What a 5-Year-Old Boy Knows That You STILL Haven’t Figured Out

6 Apr

We all just want a man’s opinion, especially when it comes to our appearance. But it seems like straight guys never have a space for their voices to be heard and gay men are too similar to women to REALLY know what a guy wants. Well, fret not, Lip Servers, we found a secret weapon…  kids 😉

We set up an interview with one of Hollywood’s brightest child starts, five-year-old Adonis Lopecia. After getting a quick bite to eat at one of LA’s most exclusive raw, macrobiotic restaurants, we took Adonis to Bliss Spa for a facial and to scrub out the dirt on what he thinks makes girls so ugly:

annoying_kid-01

  1. Boogers.I saw my seat partner eat a booger once and she’s a girl. I told my mommy and mommy said that that’s a really bad thing to do.”  Lip Tip! we’re pleased to hear how many of you are trying out the diet featured in Lip Service last month, but please remember: THE BOOGER DIET SHOULD NOT BE PRACTICED IN PUBLIC. And stop trying to be progressive by calling yourself a seat partner. You’re his girlfriend…own it!
  2. Pink Socks.Pink is a gross girl color. Blue is for boys. My sister Angelina is always leaving her pink socks in my room.” Lip Tip! Where there’s socks, there’s a pair of fugly shoes close behind. Throw out your sensible flats and sneakers and opt for a strappy stiletto instead.
  3. Weird Looking Hair.Girls have stupid weird hair. They tie it like a knot or like try to look like a horse.” Lip Tip! Ponytails make you look manly, like you’re going to go play sports or solve math problems.
  4. They Smell.Ms. Schneider smells like Nana and it makes everyone cough. Daddy says she’s going to die alone in a diaper.” Lip Tip! Your perfume is probably aging you, along with many other factors. The only way to really smell younger is by rubbing your vaginal secretion behind the backs of your ears.
  5. Not Playing It Cool. “I like my Avengers shirt cuz I like Captain America and Iron Man. They’re the best Avengers because they’re really powerful.” Lip Tip! Next date night, dress up as a comic villain and let him live out his childhood dreams by dominating you!
  6. Always Getting Me In Trouble. “Angelina and her friends tell even when I’m not doing anything and she was the one who was spying.” Lip Tip! Don’t get caught going through his emails and texts. Only basic bitches get caught. Are YOU a basic bitch??
  7. Dumb Toys.I don’t like girl toys. They’re always pink and for playing house.” Lip Tip! Switch it up with different colored vibrators. And stop using them for meal preparation. That’s an outdated Lip Tip!

11 Beauty Mistakes You’re Probably Making

31 Mar
  1. Not wearing makeup. Here at Lip Service, we think it should be illegal.
  2. Doing Your Own Nails. Never try to perform a manicure or pedicure on yourself. Even if you have the technical skills to give yourself a set of fab fingers, don’t! It makes you look below your class and pathetic. There are certain…types…of people whose livelihoods depend on scraping your calluses.
  3. Not exploring facial tattoos. 
  4. Forgetting to tape your skin back. There’s no excuse for looking old! Especially when one can use dental floss and masking tape to yank the skin from the temples back, giving the illusion of a hot n taut, youthful face.
  5. Tuning Out Your Ta-Tas. A lot of you gals haven’t even heard of breast slapping outside of the bedroom. But breast slapping is a real treatment that can make your moomelons swell a full cup size!
  6. Using the wrong exfoliant. We’re shocked at the number of woeful women who think apricot scrub is actually going to rid them of their disgusting, microscopic pieces of dead flesh. Acetone vapor baths, steel wool and Tetrahydrofuran all meet the proper abrasion requirements. Anything less isn’t going to give you the newborn infant skin that you crave!
  7. Not carving out enough “you time” in a day. Many women make the stupid assumption that they only need an hour or two to get ready in the morning. Rome wasn’t built with a quick shower and light dusting of bronzer, and neither should you be. You have a long day ahead of you, so your morning beauty routine ought to reflect that.  How long are you planning on being seen in public today? That’s the amount of time it should take you to get ready.
  8. Not finding the right hydration balance. Hydrated skin is great, but a hydrated body can cause bloating and overall hideousness. That’s why we recommend taking water pills every few hours. It will help you naturally expel any moisture that your body might be desperately retaining to function properly and keep your face looking gaunt and gorg. To keePapaya_Beauty_Tips-01p your skin from cracking and becoming severely discolored, we recommend slathering on coconut oil!
  9. Wasting your waste. A facial of 2 tbsp. urine and 1/3 cup feces can give you results almost as effective as a traditional mask made with honey. Add in some semen for your boyfriend’s pleasure 😉
  10. Having any form of body hair.  Many of you make the mistake of thinking that body hair on women is natural.  If that were true, then why do we have the instinct to shave it? We’re smooth and sexy and men are rugged and hairy. So, embrace Mother Nature and liberate yourself from every pesky hair below the eyebrows.
  11. Thin, old lady lips. With all the different lip plumping methods out there these days, no one should have anything but a perfect pout. For those who want to avoid going under the knife, try this simple at-home treatment: repeatedly stab the entire surface of your lips with a needle. Immediately after, vigorously rub a combination habanero chili and cayenne pepper paste (recipe here) on your kisser. Ooh la la!

Samantha Miranda

Editor/Founder
Samantha Miranda 

“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick.  After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice.  A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.

Creative Director/Author/Fashionista
Christien Mozzarti

“La Mer face cream got me where I am today.” Christien Mozzarti, an industry authority,  first began his career in the fashion business in the early 1990s. Over the last decade, he’s proven himself time and time again as a fabulous expert in women’s clothing, fashion, and style.  After meeting his wife, Samantha Miranda, he began to understand their minds, as well. It was at this time he started writing a column on vaginal health and maintenance for Lip Service, causing a rise in the sale of douches, douche bags, and douche nozzles. To honor Mozzarti’s douching efforts, the American Council of Gynecology awarded him with a top spot on the List of Worst Enemies to Vaginas Worldwide. The subsequent controversy only propelled Mozzarti’s career further. Outside of helping to advance women’s style rights, he collects antique Cher memorabilia and kitsch gay pornography.