Archive | Numbered Lists RSS feed for this section

How to Vote for Him in Style!

23 Jul

voting lipservicemag

Electoral Debut. This is your big chance to get discovered! Treat it like any other Hollywood premiere and come in your very best. Just don’t make the mistake of going in the voting booth, then no one will see you!

Bill of Rights. Find the Anthony Weiner of your district. Once he shows you his, you can show him your… bills! Blackmail him into paying, or the peener goes public!

Rock the Tote. This primary, vote for Donald in style! Carry all of your boyfriend/father/brother’s suggestions in a fab birkin bag, so you won’t forget this time 😉

sarah palin bikiniBalance of Power Suit.  If election season has taught us anything, it’s that bossy is bitchy! The last thing any man wants to wake up to is a naggy haggy Hilary. Soften your appearance with Palin-approved pearls and a pouty pink lip!  And, remember, no one likes a bupkis Bernie!

Absentee Vote. The best way to send the message that you’re too good for voting is by not voting at all! Use the time you got off work to cast your ballot to get a fab mani/pedi instead. You’d be doing your country a disservice if you DIDN’T; those cuticles are out of control, fugglefists! 

Bill of Tight Tushie. Want his vote of approval? Then tighten your tushie, tubby! Try our Skenny Betch Tips to Looking Fab (For Him)

Opinion Polling. When a line starts forming on voting day, now’s your chance to get as many opinions as possible on an outfit (or a boyfriend) that you’re not sure about. They’ll be grateful to you for making their lives more interesting.  

To Catch a Senator. Polling results are in. The conclusion? Politicians are perverts! Catch your own with a lusty look straight from the dominatrix den that’ll whip him straight into the hearts of the American people!

Legal Voting Age. By voting, you admit you’re old enough to be someone’s mother. Pathetic!

Civic Booty.  Politicians are positively powerful…and you’re just an itty witty citizen. Serve him so he can serve the people. Ooh, happy birthday, Mr. Pwesident. 

Pres-i-duh!  Above all else, always remember your #1 duty as a patriot: Don’t be a downer, ladies! 😉 

woman with american flag lipservice

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

5 tips to get him from “I don’t know” to “I DO”!!

30 Mar

Every girl wants a perfect husband, but we all know how men feel about commitment!  It’s not his fault; it’s all that crazy testosterone that makes him want variety and dread a relationship.  Fear not, future brides!  You can get around his commitment-phobic nature with these 5 tips to change that hottie you have your eye on from sex partner to life partner!

  1. Crouching Bootycall, Hidden Wife! Offer him no strings attached sex, then insert yourself into his life over time!  Every time you meet up with your honey for a 1am humpfest, simply leave a hairbrush or a hair tie in his bathroom.  Gradually start spending more nights over and leaving more and more of your things at his house. Then, come over one weekend and never leave.   He’ll have no choice but to make YOU temily-kris-hspl-01he lady of the house!
  2. Knocked Up. Get pregnant!  This one’s a no brainer ladies…stop taking your birth control. Every boy likes it bareback!!  If he balks, then just poke holes in his condoms.  If that proves too difficult, try this instead: one night after you two have done the deed, slip into the bathroom and insert the contents of the discarded condom in your dildo hotel.  When he hears that little commitment-maker call him “Daddy”, he’ll want to call YOU his wife!!
  3. Look Who’s (not) Talking Now!!  Whenever you meet up, let HIM do all the talking!  Believe me, he’ll find this to be a breath of fresh air!  Let him guide the conversations in all of your dates and interactions.  Read up on things he likes, and always COMPLIMENT COMPLIMENT COMPLIMENT.  Convince him he can do no wrong, and before you know it you’ll be HIS Mrs. Right!!
  4. Crash. Make him need you! Invite him out for a Sunday afternoon drive (Or a Friday night 1am drive).  Then, simply crash your car and get ready to let Florence Nightingale be your muse!  Nurse your guy back to health from his car “accident” related injuries, and he’ll see what a great caretaker you are!  That will clear the path for him to make you the caretaker of his heart!  Just wait for him to pop the question…and the best part is, he’ll never question why you crashed in the first place…women drivers, right? 😉
  5. Backdraft (EXPERTS ONLY) Unleash the hero in your man!  Burn your house down (Make sure to get your shoes out first though, those Louboutins won’t replace themselves).  What guy can resist a damsel in distress?  After he consoles you and offers you a place to crash, just relax, make yourself at home, and wait for your white night to give you that ring, girl!

 

Author
Candy DeMarchett

 “Beauty outside IS beauty inside.”  As former statewide child beauty pageant champion, Candy DeMarschett has been steeped in the world of fashion for basically her entire life. After exhausting the pageant circuit in Tennessee by her late teens, Candy headed west to fulfill her dreams of becoming a writer and a make up artist. After attending Barbazon of Hollywood, Candy then graduated with her Master’s in Literature from CSU Dominguez Hills. In addition to becoming the go to makeup artist for many celebrities of note, including Jenny McCarthy and Janice Dickenson, Candy is the founder and former Chief Editor of Pageant Pretty Magazine, which until recently was the 3rd most popular publication in Georgia. These days, Candy is a devoted stay at home mom with a successful line of child sized press on nails, “KiddieCryllics” which took the nation by storm when they were featured in a segment on the Ricki Lake show. Her greatest hope is that her two children, Sprinkles SaraBella, age 3, and Preston Alistair, age 1, will follow in her glamorous footsteps and one day know the joys of being the prettiest girl in the state.

 

Tags: , , , , , ,