We all want it: that smooth, pink Peek-A-Boo of our youth. But, as we hit our early 20’s, many of us begin to notice our vaginas just aren’t as luminous as back in ourglory (hole) days. We sat down with celebrity astrologist, Becky Bradshaw, and got her to dish on the top 5 tips for getting our Tinkerbelles tight and right, without going under the knife:
- Tucky Your Yuckies. Tucking isn’t just for drag queens and lady boys! Use 1/4″ thick pieces of flesh-colored duct tape to gently fold your labia under.
- Pouty Pubis. Inject saline into your pubis to give it a more youthful appearance. It’s the one place where being fat is a good thing!
- Like a Virgin! Retouch your hymen for the very first time with a quick visit to your local hardware store [Lip Tip: Bring a guy friend so you don’t get lost]. With just a few basic items you’ll be on your way to having that precious piece of skin back.
- So Long, Anal! Your trip to Home Depot isn’t over yet, ladies! PVC tubes are a great way to get the sexy fit you and your boyfriend have always wanted. Just cut one to the exact length of your vaginal walls and insert it until the tube presses against your cervix. Voilà: petite and perfect!
- Make Up with Your VaGina Davis. Bronzer and highlighter can contour a lot more than cheekbones. This stuff works wonders for creating the illusion of a more toned Tom-Tom. You never leave the house without makeup, so why not take the time to show your Peekini some Lancôme love, too!
Although these tricks will go a long way to youthinize your YooHoo, in severe cases or over the age of 30, Becky recommends scouting out a good plastic surgeon that specializes in vaginal reconstruction.
“La Mer face cream got me where I am today.” Christien Mozzarti, an industry authority, first began his career in the fashion business in the early 1990s. Over the last decade, he’s proven himself time and time again as a fabulous expert in women’s clothing, fashion, and style. After meeting his wife, Samantha Miranda, he began to understand their minds, as well. It was at this time he started writing a column on vaginal health and maintenance for Lip Service, causing a rise in the sale of douches, douche bags, and douche nozzles. To honor Mozzarti’s douching efforts, the American Council of Gynecology awarded him with a top spot on the List of Worst Enemies to Vaginas Worldwide. The subsequent controversy only propelled Mozzarti’s career further. Outside of helping to advance women’s style rights, he collects antique Cher memorabilia and kitsch gay pornography.
“Kiss my skinny, white ass.” The fashion world has showered accolades on the “Preppy cunt—meets—Los Angeles scenester” style of the self-proclaimed model turned media mogul Samantha Miranda. Bored by pedestrian-wear, Miranda established her own clothing line to aid the uninformed and tasteless on how to be become hip quick. After recognizing her gift for helping the less fortunate, the designer began a career as a self-help writer, giving plain, frumpy and ordinary women beauty tips and relationship advice. A weekly column soon blossomed into the media empire that is Lip Service Industries. Now, women of some types are gifted with the ability to become the pretty, popular girl, thanks to the Life Style Bible, Lip Service Magazine.