If Celebrities have taught us anything, it’s that’s bouncing to your passable pre-preggy weight is easy peasy! Just cut back on the peas, piggy! But some mangy mama’s just can’t get their acts together. Listen up, Lip Servers: Maternity Leave gives you the downtime to drop the dumpy look and focus on what’s most important to you: Getting your body back!
1. Baby Mama. If you’ve read our guide “Baby-in-Waiting: From Cradle to Fave” you already know the only thing cuter than looking like a baby is weighing like a baby. Learn a lesson from your newly-spawned thinspiration by eating what it eats! A strict diet of formula fasting will give you the nutrients you need and spitting up will ensure you ditch the calories before he ditches you.
2. Y Tu Mama Tambien. Entice new-mom jealousy in all of your friends with social media updates about the must-have fashion accessory you just birthed. Then, when they get knocked up, their looks get knocked down, and you’re a knock out by comparison! 😉
3. Mama Said Knock You Out. As a new mother, you’re blessed with an incredible miracle! You’ve been granted 2-3 months of unpaid maternity leave to devote to losing the fug n’ flab. Kickstart your weight loss with a hefty Ambien ‘script. If used correctly (every 2-4 hrs), you’ll spend the next eight weeks in a dreamy dieting haze, floating through the halls of your home, with your weight-training newborn in tow.
4. Mama Mia! Everyone knows Italians love their mothers. Bag your own Rocky-Rambo Italian Stallion with a sultry look straight from the pages of Italian Vogue! Break out your finest Virgin Mary garb and hit the local pizzerias! Mamma mia, you’re shaped like one spicy meatball!
5. Mama’s Boy. If the baby took after you, there’s a good chance he’s in need of a makeover! Cosmetics aren’t safe for children under two, so the best you’ll be able to do is accessorize him with a leather facemask and body suit studded in Swarovski crystals. Get a handle on him with an actual handle that makes your baby easy to carry on the go. Just don’t lose your keys in there!
6. Mommy Beer-est. Now’s the best time to procreate an image sexier than the one that got you into this portly position! Show ‘em that you’ve still got it by leaving the baby buzzkill at home and frequenting the local high school keggar scene in your most attention-grabbing bodycon from freshman year. Drink up and spin the bottle like you’re seventeen again! Just because you’re a new mama doesn’t mean you have to act like one!
7. Child Protective Services Can’t find a babysitter when you need to hit the gym? Give the Nanny State a call and they’ll watch your baby until you lose the flab and are fit for parenthood.